Prologue

Three years ago:

"Mom, dad I'm home," I said while slamming the front door.

"Sweetheart please don't slam the front door," My mom said as she walked towards me.

I just rolled my eyes whilst walking upstairs to my room. I locked my door and turned on my laptop. My favourite rock tunes started blasting through my beats speakers.

"Kristina turn that down!" My mom shouted from downstairs. I rolled my eyes but turned it down a little bit.

I sat at my desk and started doing some of my homework. I'm not a nerd but I still want to get good grades.

PING! 
I looked at my phone and saw a message from Nuca. I smiled at what he said.

Nuca ❤️: Hey sexy, you coming by later?

Me: Sure thing babe ❤️

I locked my phone and continued my work until my mom called me down for dinner.

It was quiet at the dinner table. I looked at my mom as she fed my baby brother, he's one and so cute.

"Mom, I'm gonna hang out with Nuca later okay," I said as I sipped my orange juice.

"Sure sweetie, don't be late, it's a school night," She said as she wiped Teague's face.

I beamed at her, "thanks, mom," I said and continued my dinner. 
....................................................................................

"Nuca babe, I got to go," I said as I pulled away from him.

"Awww babe, the fun was just starting," He said will pouting.

"I'm sorry but parents' orders," I said before leaning in to kiss him.

"I'll see you tomorrow handsome," I whispered into his ear as I pulled away. His eyes were clouded with lust. I smiled at him and walked away.

.........................................................................................

I walked through the hallways looking for Nuca and my other friends. I saw them in the hallway by the cafeteria. I walked closer and saw some blonde bimbo flirting with Nuca.

I scowled at this. It was Dana again, when will she learned that Nuca is taken. I'm used to girls flirting with Nuca and him returning the favour but I know that he won't give them what they want 'cause he has me and he cares and loves me.

But she's been after Nuca since the first day of school, I'll admit that I was, maybe still am a bit jealous that he gives her some attention, flirts with her. It hurt when she kissed him one time and he didn't pull away one time but he said that he was really drunk that night, apologized and told me that I'm the only girl for him.

"Hey babe, guys, Debbie," I said and wrapped my arm around Nuca' waist.

"Hey, babe," He said and kissed my cheek. I smirked at Dana and she scowled.

"So what's going on?" I asked and they just shrugged.

"I was just inviting everyone to my party this Friday," Dana said and flashed a sexy smile at Nuca.

"Thanks for the invite, Fana. We'll see if we can make it. Goodbye," I said while pulling Nuca away to class.

Our friends chuckled at this while I smirked at Dana while looking over my shoulder. She was furious and stormed into the cafeteria.

Friday came and we decided to go to Dana's party. Eh, free food and booze so yeah.

I went home after school and ran up to my room to decide what to wear. I opened my door and saw my mom going through my drawers.

"Mom, what are you doing?" I asked she turned to look at me. Tears in her eyes but it shined with anger.

I looked at her hands and saw that she was holding a stash of booze and cigarettes. I looked at her with rage, how could she go through my stuff like that, I thought that we established some rules about my privacy.

"Why are you going through my stuff, that's an invasion of my privacy," I yelled at her.

"Don't you yell at me young lady, now explain why did I find these in your room," She said her chest rising and falling in anger.

I rolled my eyes at her. "It's Nuca's, mom. I was keeping it for him since his parents are strict," I said and she shook with fury.

She looked at me then stormed downstairs with the stuff in her hand. I followed her and saw that was emptying the alcohol in the sink and she threw the cigarettes in the bin.

"Mom! Stop! Do you know how much it cost to buy those," I shouted at her, she froze.

S**t! That wasn't supposed to come out, she'd ground me if she knew the truth.

"You bought these?" She asked her voice thick and low.

"Answer me, Kristina Wickella Johnson," She turned around.

"Yes I did," I answered looking straight into her eyes.

"That's it, I have had enough. I allowed you to be this rebel for too long. As of now, you are not going to see that boy or any of his friends. In fact, you are going to end this relationship with him," She said stepping closer to me.

I looked at her. No way am I doing that, I'm sixteen almost seventeen, when will she realize that I'm not a child and that I could make my own decisions

"No," I said.

"What did you say to me?" She asked her voice low again.

"I said no mother. I am not ending my relationship with Nuca. I love him and he loves me. In fact, when we graduate from high school we're gonna travel the world together playing music gigs," I said and she looked at me like if I grew two heads.

"You are going to end that relationship. Don't say anything I am your mother and he is a bad influence on you," She said and turns to pick up her keys.

I opened my mouth to say something, I didn't want to end my relationship with Nuca, he loves me and I love him.

"No young lady, this is the end of this discussion, I'm going to pick up your father. Your brother is sleeping," She said and left.

I scoffed at her command. There's no way that I'm staying here. I pulled out my phone and called Cindy.

"Hey, Cindy you wanna come over?" I asked and she agreed. Smiling, I went upstairs to get ready for the party.

When Cindy arrived I was fixing my makeup. "Hey, girl. Thanks for coming," I said and she looked at me confused.

"Are we going somewhere?" She asked and I smiled at her. Such a clueless girl.

"No sweetie we're not, you are gonna stay here and watch Teague for me while I go hang out with Nuca," I said and she frowned.

"Why?" She asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Because your my friend and you wanna help me out," I said.

She scoffed. "I knew that you were gonna use me. We never hang out anymore ever since you got Nuca. He's such a bad influence on you and you're too blind to see it."

I faced her, "what is it with you and my mom about Nuca being bad for me," I screamed at her frustrated.

"Because he is. Anyways I'm not gonna waste my breath, I'll look over Teague, go to your stupid party," She said and I smiled. "

"You're the best Cindy," I said and walked out with my keys in my hand.

I got to the party a bit late but didn't care. I looked at my attire and was pleased with the way I looked. It displayed all the right assets. I was wearing a  short gold sequin dress with a cut out back and a pair of strappy nude heels.

I opened the front door and felt a wave of heat. Wow, there's a lot of people here. I elbowed my way through the sea of bodies and spotted Nuca. I made my way to him planting my lips on his. 

I don't understand why Cindy and my mother don't like Nuca, he's a great guy, sure he drinks and smokes, but he's a good student. I don't care if he's a bad boy, once he's my bad boy I'm happy.

After a few minutes, we pulled away, "that's one way to say hello," He said his voice husky. I smiled at him.

"Well that's me, babe," I said pulling him to the dance floor.

We danced for a good couple of minutes before I went to get something to drink. Despite what people like my mom and Cindy thinks, I don't drink or smoke. I don't want to but Nuca does so I don't say anything.

After digging through the fridge for water, my phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered without looking at the caller id.

"Kristina? Is that music I hear in the background? Where are you, young lady?" I sighed.

Frek! It was my mom.

"Hi mom, I'm at a party. Cindy is watching Teague," I said while rolling my eyes.

"Kristina, you better go home this instant or you are grounded you hear me," I scoffed at this and hung up my phone.

"Babe everything good," I looked up to see Nuca coming towards me. I smiled at him.

"Better than good," I said and pulled him back to the dance floor.

It was almost eleven and I kept ignoring my parents' calls. I stepped out of the bathroom to see Nuca dancing with some girl. I shrugged at this since he normally dances with other girls beside me.

I walked into the kitchen to get some more water. After doing that I walked back out and didn't see Nuca or the girl anywhere.

I looked around but no luck. I asked and someone said that they saw him walk upstairs.

Okay breathe, he must've gone to use the bathroom. There's nothing to worry about right?

I kept walking until I heard some giggling coming from a room. Please, don't let it be what I think it is, please. I walked closer and stopped right outside. I heard two voices talking.

"So Nuca, when are you gonna dump that tramp?" The female voice asked it was Dana.

Nuca sighed, "Baby, how many times do I have to tell you to be patient. I'm still using her remember, she doesn't question me when I ask her to do a task. And I'm waiting for the right moment to bang her then frame her. These things take time baby," He said.

I opened the door slightly and saw that they were making out whilst removing clothes. I turned around quickly before I saw something that scared me for life.

I ran down the stairs and out of the house. I got into my car and sped down the road, just to get away. My vision started to blur, I wiped at my eyes but the tears kept coming. I pulled to the side of the road and cried.

He used me, all he wanted was to get into my pants and take the fall for him. I remembered all the hacking jobs I did for him. I can't believe that I was so stupid. Ugh!! I'm such an idiot, Cindy was right, heck my mom was right. 

I thought he loved me, how could he do this to me, he even promised me that he would wait since I wasn't ready for that level of intimacy. No wonder he could wait that long, he was already getting it somewhere else.

I wiped my tears again and took some deep breaths. I started the car when my phone started to ring it was Cindy.

"Yeah, Cindy?" I asked. She was breathing hard, her voice breaking.

"Kris, I need you to come to the hospital now," She said.

I rushed over there quickly and ran to the waiting room. My mind wasn't thinking straight.

It kept thinking that something happened to my brother or my parents. Or even worse both my parents and brother. Oh gosh, why didn't I listen to them?

I saw Teague sitting on one of the chairs and I sagged with relief. 

"Teague!" I yelled and he hopped off running to me. I hugged him tightly.

"Kris, I'm so sorry," Cindy said as she walked closer to me. 

I placed Teague down and looked at Cindy. Her eyes were red from crying. I glanced around I didn't see my parents.

"Cindy, what's going on? Where are my parents?" I asked. She looked at the floor then at me. She opened her mouth but only sobs came out.

"Excuse miss?" I turned to see a woman dressed in all black, she showed me her badge and said that her name was Agent Simmons.

She said that my parents were killed in a house robbery. She said that they came home to meet the robbers. She said that the neighbours heard gunshots and called the police.

She said that they died on site. She also said that she doesn't think that it was a random robbery. She believes that the robbers were looking for something or someone.

The ironic thing is that I knew what they were looking for. 

They were looking for me.

Author's Note

What do you think of the plot, writing style, characters? Point out grammatical errors or places where I need to show instead of telling, please and thanks. Anything that seems that needs to fix please let me know, I'm open to feedback and criticism.

Reviews

[JayG]

• "places where I need to show instead of telling, please and thanks."

Well you did ask, so... ;) But first, a disclaimer: What I'm about to say has nothing to do with good or bad writing, or, talent. It's that you can't fix the problem that you don't recognize as being one. And we all leave our schools with a major problem: We believe that writing-is-writing. And since we learned to write in school, that part has been taken care of.

If only.

Remember all the essays and reports you had to write compared to story writing assigned? The reason for that was to make you proficient in the skills employers require. On the job most people write letters, papers, reports, and essays, not fiction. In practical terms, that means the only style of writing we learn is designed to inform, so it's fact-based and author-centric. And throughout this piece you, the narrator are talking to the reader ABOUT the film that's playing on your mental viewscreen—TELLING the reader a story. The fact that you're using first person pronouns changes nothing. The narrator lives at a different time from the person living the events. And be it the protagonist or the author pretending to have once been the protagonist, telling is telling. So the viewpoint of the narrator is that of someone not on the scene, explaining the events, while interjecting gossip and an explanation for what's not clear. Thet's pretty well the definition of telling. And because you're thinking visually, you're describing the scene as it would be in a film.

Think about the opening section:

We learn that the protagonist slams the door as she comes in. But why do I, as a reader, care that someone whose gender, age, situation, are unknown slammed a door for unknown reasons? Does it matter to the plot? No. Does it develop character? No again. Does it set the scene? Nope. But any line in your story that doesn't do one of those three things serves only to slow the narrative and needs to be removed.

The opening provides a general overview in 215 words, or close to a full standard manuscript page. What do we learn? That someone named Kristina, who is in an unknown year in an unknown school came home, did some homework (subject unknown) unknown, and was texted by someone named Nuca, who may be male of female, so far as the reader knows, because the only reference I could find for it is that it means nape of the neck, or, is the name of a few cities.

Then, this person had something unknown for dinner.

So, a question or two: A reader comes to fiction to be entertained, not informed. And your first page provided an overview of the protagonist doing the same sort of thing pretty much any teen does every school day. But it took a page to learn that it happened. And your reader spent a minute or two reading it. So: 1) What did the reader learn that matters to the story? 2) What, about that section, will the reader find entertaining enough to make them care about her?

See the problem? You're talking ABOUT the story, and doing it in summation and overview. In other words, there is NO showing. And since only you know the emotion to place into the narrator's voice there is none. Have your computer read it aloud and you'll hear it.

As I said, though, it's not your fault, and it's no reflection on your potential or talent. It's that you're missing some important information that's unique to our profession. And that's because, not having been exposed to the tricks of the fiction writing profession, you mistakenly assumed that showing meant providing a lot of visual description.

But another name for showing is viewpoint. A major mistake we all make when we turn to recording our stories is to think about the old advice about lover's quarrels, which says: "There are three sides to every argument. Her side, his side, and what really happened." You, and most hopeful writers are focused on what really happened, because that's how we're taught to write. But that's fact-based and author-centric—a report writing approach. Fiction must be emotion-based and character-centric to entertain, a style of writing not even mentioned in your school years because it's professional knowledge that only fiction writers need.

My point? We all see the same thing. But what we observe and take away from the experience is deeply personal. In other words, it's in our viewpoint. And showing is making the reader know what matters to the protagonist, not providing a list of what can be seen. Take a look at the article I link to below. It shows how different a given scene may be to characters with different outlooks.
https://wordpress.com/post/jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/454

Not good news, I know, given how hqrd you've worked on this story. But on the other hand, most hopeful writer never do learn of the problem. But who's to tell them? Not the other students. And our teachers learned to write in the same classrooms. Reading fiction doesn't help either, because you no more learn writing technique by reading than learn to cook by eating. And the creative writing courses I've seen are of little help.

What does help is to devour a few good books on fiction-writing technique. If you don't know what a scene is on the page, how can you write one? They're very different from one in film or on stage because the medium is very different. And if you don't know why a scene almost always ends in disaster for a protagonist how can you write the ending?

So here's the solution, and it's dead simple: Add the tricks of fiction writing to your existing writing skills.

Easy, right? Unfortunately, while it is simple, and is wjhat you need to do, fiction is a full profession, and not one all that easy to master. So, it takes time, study, and practice. But like any profession, it's all in the becoming, so it's not a big deal, just a bump in the road, albeit a huge one.

A great resource is the local public library's fiction writing section. There, you'll find the views of noteworthy teachers, publishing pros, and successful writers. My personal recommendation is one of two books, which are probably not in the local library. But they're well worth the nominal cost.

The first is the best I've found for picking up the nuts-and-bolts basics of constructing scenes that make the reader WANT to turn the pages. It's an older book, and it's college level, so it's not an easy read. But it is the best I've found: Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer

The second is easier, but gives you less. Still, it's a good first book, and better then most of the others: Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

Either one must be read slowly, with lots of time spent practicing each point as it's introduced, so you don't forgot it a day later.

You might also want to dig around in the writing articles in my blog, for a kind of overview of the issues. There are even a few stories written with those techniques as examples of how those techniques can be used.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Rawiya Scarlett]

Hi and thank you so much. This has been really insightfull and needed. Thank you for the advice.