Am I just scared of what's inside of me?

As a child I was always afraid of the dark I am grown up now but still afraid. Maybe its cause I am alive.

The five senses are touch, taste, sight, smell and sound. These 5 basic elements are crucial in childhood. Feeling the world, the pain, the happiness. Tasting culture, family values, the truth. Seeing love, nature, and growth. Smelling comfort, weather, and places. Finally hearing childhood, friendship, and hurt. When we are children the biggest thing we ever have perhaps may be our imagination. It extends over a point that grownups can never comprehend. Imagination, like a thumbprint, while it may all look the same it’s unique to your person. Our environment helped us decide what our imagination will become, our greatest tool and or our worst enemy. When we are children we know fear, but we don't know caution. We manipulate our minds into turning that fear into something. Fear of clowns, heights, or butterflies. It changes with everyone. 

When I was a child I always feared the dark. Every night my parents would read me a story and close the door letting the dark swallow the floor and walls. Someday I would believe a killer clown would be waiting on the other side of my window. On other days I would believe a marching band of skeletons would come to haunt me. Sometimes my brain would see a chair though it would feel like a monster. I am 16 now and there are times when I am afraid of the dark. It's when I have something to look forward to in my life.

 My therapist believes I have outgrown my fear of the dark and that I have accumulated a fear of my thoughts. The second my light turns off I have to wait for my thoughts to subside so I may sleep. The thoughts of what I could have done better, if I am enough, if I will ever be beautiful, thoughts of friends long gone, and moments that may never occur. I have to deal with them every night as they taunt me with memories I wish to bury. I noticed when I am suicidal I could sit in the dark for hours. There was comfort in my thoughts, even those about leaving this green earth. My thoughts were a blanket of understanding. They were my evidence of the belief I do not belong here and that I am not good enough. Whenever I would have a good day or realize something was coming up I would go to sleep that night and jump into my bed fearing the dark and what might be around me or what’s already inside me. Having to face my thoughts was the worst part of my day and my anxiety would flood my brain with notions that destroyed me. 

So whenever I turn off my lights and quickly tuck myself in my bed, shutting my eyes tightly those actions help me to realize that I believe there’s something worth living for. On the days when I turn off my lights, walk slowly into bed and stare at the ceiling falling asleep under the blanket of darkness that holds my deepest thoughts. I have to promise myself to make plans or do something to put a smile on my face. For there are only so many days the dark can comfort one without swallowing them whole.

Author's Note

This isnt edited very much but how can I improve or what did I do well?

Reviews

[willweb]

I believe the only constructive help I can give on this is, you stared with 5 senses and went someplace else completely different. My suggestion would be, stick to your topic of find a cleaner way to bridge the two themes allowing them to come together at the end of the piece. Full circle or write about one or the other.
Now, that is not saying I didn't like this. I did like it, I could feel where you were going, you just changed paths along the way.