Here I am

Here I am, disappointing myself again. The thing is, I can't and don't know how to feel bad anymore. There's only the need to escape, to feel whole. My desire to smile without effort. To talk as carefree as I know how. Maybe I talk too much, and that's why nobody wants to be around me. I want to be around you.. I need to be. Please just understand. It's too much to expect but I am selfish. When I think of how I am, how much I give myself to others, I expect so much in return. Do you need some money? Well I don't need gas, here you go. Do you want a ride? I can come across town and help you. I've given myself and all of my possessions for so long.

How do you say no again?

Please remind me, I just don't know.

Have I ever said no?

Probably, back when I was whole. When I remembered my worth. But now.. Now I live for others. I will choose the happiness of a stranger- even an enemy- over my own. Any day, any time. 

I'm sorry I cry so much, I'm sorry I don't remember how to be better.

Maybe, I hope, one day I can remember and feel whole again. I won't stop trying.

Reviews

[Don't just B, but B ama..]

NEVER STOP TRYING, great writing, portraying the pain and sadness into the readers emotions. Well written, and I love the point of all you have done for others, but when you need help it's no. Sad truth. My favorite part of the entire piece is also the most powerful I believe, "I won't stop trying." Ending all the grief with such a positive and profound statement, hooray for you.

[Wiif]

Great writing, I can relate to this so much. I've been selfless for as long as I can remember, and like you, I don't know how to say no. We might come out as selfless and always happy and fulfilled, but truth is, we're just crying for help in silence, and nobody notices.

"I'm sorry I cry so much, I'm sorry I don't remember how to be better.
Maybe, I hope, one day I can remember and feel whole again. I won't stop trying."
These two lines are the strongest of the whole text, I think. They perfectly describe the two main moods of a depressed person : complete despair, self-loathing and blaming; and hope.

Don't give up, a day where you will say NO is sure to come. In the meanwhile, keep being selfless, because that's, somehow, a reason to get out of bed every morning. :)

[C. Lee Battaglia]

NEVER! Do not stop! It will only get worse if you stop. I really like it when you said, "I won't stop trying."
My best friend past away a few years ago and when I felt like giving up and just curl up into a ball I would say also, "I won't stop trying."
If you like to read the story I wrote about her it's called The Blonde Girl.
Thanks for the uplifting story...
Keep on writing! It helps for sure!

C. Lee Battaglia