A Day in the Life of a Depressed Teenager

A day by day account of what goes on in a depressed teenager's life. From school, to work, to home. From the cutting, to the suicidal thoughts. This is my life. This is all true.

November 1, 2012.

It's happening again. It's coming back with a wrath as fiery as hell and it only has one objective: destroy me. And honestly, it's already done a pretty good job of that. It's stronger than last time. Or maybe I feel like it is because I never recovered from it's last attack. There's something different about it this time. It's taken back over me faster. The cuts on my wrist prove that. I really don't think I can handle going through this again.

The headaches. The trouble sleeping. The appetite changes. The never wanting to get out of my bed. The never ending buzzing of thoughts in my head.

School is becoming impossible again. I can't pause my mind long enough for me to figure out how much of chemical A is needed to equal chemical B or what the molecular mass of an element is. And it doesn't help that I have my mother constantly on me, threatening me. “You better get your homework done. You're going to be in big trouble if you get behind. I won't let you do anything. No church.”

I would say having to feign normalcy is hard, but I've actually become so used to having to lie and fake a smile, it's like a second nature to me. I don't think twice about it.

“'Hi! How are you?' 'I'm great! Absolutely nothing is wrong!'”

I'm feeling guilty again. Not for being depressed, like I felt last time, but for lying. So many people have begged me to tell them when I feel bad, and I promise them that I will. But I don't. Why? I don't know. I'm afraid of disappointment? Judgment? Something. The other night I finally confessed to one of my youth ministers I was having self-harm thoughts again. I didn't show her my wrist, I was too afraid. She once again begged me to talk to her and my other youth minister. I once again nodded and said I would, but have no intentions of doing it. That same old voice who terrorized me last time is in my head again. “Don't. Don't talk. You're just bothering them and irritating them. They don't really care. They're just trying to pacify you so you stop complaining.” I'm believing it again and still keeping my mouth shut, so the guilt of hiding my feelings and lying grows.

I'm also feeling like I'm disappointing everyone. I've been seeing my therapist for a few months now. I feel like she's expecting me to get better. Is it because I led her to believe that I was feeling better? Was that the work of another lie I told? I feel like she's expecting me to feel a certain way and start behaving a certain way. So now I'm starting to feel like a failure, because maybe I'm not progressing the way I should. It's kind of funny. I'm supposed to be totally comfortable with telling my therapist everything, but I'm more scared to tell her about my cutting than anyone. That's not the way it's supposed to work, is it?

On top of all this, I've got family stress. Mom's bringing her ex-fiance back into the picture. She's back in the exact same relationship that caused my depression in the first place. My self-worth was never at a good spot, but now it's down into the negatives. What's making it worse is that my sister is getting married in about six weeks. My sister and her fiance do not want mom's boyfriend/ex-fiance at the wedding. They hated him as much as I did. But mom, being her all-about-me self, is doing everything she can to bring him. She has it in her head that it's not my sister, the bride's, decision who she brings.

Let me explain this in an easier to understand scenario. My mom is Voldemort, doing everything she can to destroy and not caring who she hurts. My sister is Dumbledore, just trying to go on peacefully and with no casualties. I'm Snape, going back and forth as a double agent. I'm trying my hardest to keep my mom at peace and make her happy, but I'm secretly on my sister's side. For the past month, I've been telling my sister of the plans my mom has to try and bring her ex-fiance to the wedding. While I'm trying to help, I also feel like I'm driving my house apart. It's mother and ex-fiance vs. daughters and fiance. I feel like we're about to enter battle. And there will definitely be some casualties.

I overheard my mom talking to her ex-fiance/current boyfriend. The words, “I love you” were used. She should have just punched me in the face, it would have been less painful. In some ways, I feel like my mom is stabbing me in the back, betraying me. But then I think back to my last downfall with depression and how she seemed to not care, pretend it wasn't happening. My therapist describes my mom as a “in the now” person. Meaning, her attention is only on things happening in the now. Meaning, she doesn't recall what happened with me and my depression last winter and/or is pretending that it never happened.

So, we're back in square one. I feel like I hopped into a time machine and went back a year. Everything's the same. It's all happening the same way. I'm feeling the same way, but maybe a little worse.

And now I'm paranoid about work. It's been cold, so I had a good excuse to wear long sleeves and hide my arm. But my work uniform is short sleeved. And I work with my hands. Will anyone notice? If they do, will they say anything? Will they report it to the manager? Will the customers notice? Will they think of me as a freak, and not want to return? Now I'm wishing I could hide at work. Work in the back, not in the front, having to deal with all the customers.

I desperately wish I could just turn my brain off. All the feelings that are swirling around are confusing me. I'm in the middle of a thought and suddenly I'm on another one. I've had a headache for three days now. I just want this to stop, but I really don't see that happening. Unless I die.

November 2, 2012.

My therapist suggested I pull myself out of the middle of my mom and sister. But I feel like I'm stuck. If I don't agree with mom and what she's saying, she'll get mad. And I'm afraid if I don't warn my sister of what my mom has planned, then my mom will suddenly throw everything on my sister and then everyone is upset and mad.

Tonight at mom's birthday dinner, she was saying she was definitely bringing her boyfriend/ex-fiance to the wedding. My sister's fiance is ready to kill my mom and my sister is definitely mad, but doesn't know what to do. The way I see it, there's three possible outcomes.

One: my sister, her fiance, and I sit down and confront mom. Tell her that she can't bring her boyfriend/ex-fiance because we don't like him. He's disgusting. He does dip, he drinks way too much, every other word out of his mouth is a cuss word. No one who has met him has liked him. So in this outcome, mom doesn't bring him and she makes everyone feel horrible about it and is throwing a fit the whole wedding.

Two: my sister, her fiance, and I sit down and confront mom. She doesn't listen and still brings her boyfriend/ex-fiance. Everyone's miserable and angry because man who is not invited or welcome is there and is probably drunk. In this outcome, mom's still making everyone feel horrible and throwing a fit because no one wants her boyfriend/ex-fiance there.

Three: my sister, her fiance, and I sit down and confront mom. She's so angry and mad and upset that she can't have her way, she doesn't come to the wedding at all.

Outcome number three is very unlikely, but I've learned to not be surprised when it comes to mom's reactions and actions. In all three outcomes, everyone loses. There's no “good” outcome. The closer it gets to the wedding, the bigger this problem gets. My sister, her fiance, and I have decided that we have to talk to mom. Soon. There's no way to avoid this. I'm worried for my sister, because I know that this must be hard for her to have to deal with. It's her wedding. And her mother can't put herself aside long enough to comply with all the bride's wishes? I feel that since I'm the maid of honor, I have to sort of protect my sister. Make sure nothing goes wrong. Keep her at peace. But that's so hard to do when our mother is behaving the way she is. So once again, feelings of failure creep over me.

I have no idea what to do about this whole wedding thing with mom and her boyfriend/ex-fiance. I feel like I should have an answer or that I should know what to do. But I don't.

Speaking of mom's boyfriend/ex-fiance, he's coming up here tomorrow. He's apparently spending the day with mom for her birthday. Just knowing he's going to be in the same city irritates me. Mom keeps saying that he wants to talk to me, my sister, and my sister's fiance. I do not want to talk to him, or even see him. I'm not a bitter, mean person who's holding a grudge. I could care less about what's happened in the past. He's just a disgusting person. I never liked him and I never will. So the thought of probably having to talk to him soon is terrifying me. I don't want to do it. Me, my sister, and my sister's fiance all gave him several chances, and he blew them all. We've forgiven and forgotten what's happened in the past, but we aren't just going to be okay with this. More stress is now thrown onto the pile.

On a completely different note, there's still something inside me that gets mad and jealous whenever my best friend does something. It doesn't matter what it is, I get upset. Today she told me she was staying after school to work on a project and I got mad, upset, jealous. Why? It's just a dumb school project. Maybe it's because I feel like she's leaving me behind. I don't know. But whenever I get mad at her, it just makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like a terrible friend. But I don't know how to stop it. It just happens and when I try and stop myself from getting mad or upset with her, I just realize that I'm doing it again and I just feel bad.

I'm still feeling like I should just get over all this. Even writing this is making me feel like I should just stop complaining.

There's a part of me that wants to talk to my youth minister, but the other, much bigger part is too scared. And the voice in my head doesn't help. “Don't talk. Don't talk.” Honestly, I'm actually still confused about what I'm feeling. There's so many things going on inside my head, I'm surprised I've been able to write this.

Again, on another completely different note, my self-confidence is still at zero. There's something going on called “No Make Up November” and a lot of girls in my youth group are doing it. They keep saying how make up is gross and how they feel disgusting when they wear it and even my youth ministers are saying that no one needs make up, so naturally, I feel bad for wearing make up, but I couldn't ever not wear it. Speaking 100% truth, I feel ugly without it. I feel ugly with it on, too. So this is just another thing eating at me. Another stress. Another problem.

Something new is coming up. Suddenly, I'm not wanting to talk to my best friend. And it's not because I'm mad at her or anything, I just don't want to talk to anyone. I always text her in the morning, while she's getting ready for school, but lately, I've been purposefully ignoring her texts. I wake up when she texts me, but I turn my phone on silent and turn away. I don't do it because of her, I love her to death, but I just don't feel like talking sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. But at the same time, I can't stand not talking to her. I sometimes feel like I'm too obsessive or something. I feel like maybe I smother her? I always worry that I'm pushing her away. That she's getting sick of listening to me complain about everything and that one day she's just going to say she's done. I'm terrified that one day, something's going to happen and we won't be friends anymore. I already feel like maybe we're drifting. She's so excited about leaving and going to college and I'm terrified I'm going to lose her, but I'm too afraid to tell her how I'm feeling. And when I do finally have the courage to say something, all I get is an, “Ah, I'm sorry.” And it kinda pisses me off. It makes me feel like she doesn't care. Sometimes I feel like I'm too much for her. That maybe she can't handle all the stuff I tell her. So I feel like maybe I push her away by being short with her, sometimes creating a problem that isn't there.

I don't know what to do about anything. The problem with my best friend, the problem with my mom and her boyfriend/ex-fiance. It's too much for me. I just want all this to stop.

November 6, 2012.

With every word that comes out of my mouth nowadays, I feel like I'm ruining my relationship with my best friend. I feel like everything I say is wrong. I feel like everything I do is wrong.

Tonight was the 2012 election between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. My family and I were for Romney, my best friend's family and her were for Obama. Pretty self explanatory, I was very upset when Obama won. And I made the mistake of venting that to her. She didn't seem to get mad, but I'm worried that she was hiding it. Lately I feel like she's always mad at me. Or she's finally getting to that point where she's sick and tired of listening to me talk about my problems and just wants out. I feel like a burden to her. I feel like she doesn't care. I feel like if I were to tell all this to her, she'd say nothing more than, “It's okay.” I feel like I can spill everything on my heart to her about how important her friendship is to me and how much I love her and how sorry I am for doing anything wrong and I wouldn't get anything back. Sometimes I feel like I put more into the relationship than I get. But then I remember how she always is there for me and listens to me no matter what. And then I feel like a terrible friend. But then I start thinking and worrying that she doesn't care, she's just going along with it so I'll shut up. And then I feel ever worse, because I'm afraid I'm losing my best friend.

I also feel like maybe I'm too into the relationship. That I rely on her too much? That maybe, sometimes, I freak her out with how attached I am? I try not to seem weird or creepy, but she's the first REAL best friend I've had and she's the best best friend I've ever had. I've never had a friend like her before, and I'm terrified to lose her.

November 8, 2012.

I talked to my other youth minister tonight. There was a bible study at his house. It went horribly. I felt rushed and pressured and I was barely able to say anything I actually wanted to. He told me the same things I've been hearing for the past year.

“You can't let your mom's actions decide whether you're happy or not. You can't be like your mom. You can't let things affect you.”

Well, newsflash. Things DO affect me. The five new cuts on my arm back that up.

Going into the conversation, I had this idea of where I wanted it to go and what I wanted to happen. I wanted to show him my arm, and that didn't happen. I wanted him to give me some sort of comforting encouragement, and that didn't happen. I love my youth minister, but sometimes I feel it's pointless to talk to him, because all the conversations go the exact same way. He says the same things and I walk away feeling the same, which is bad.

And lately, I feel like everyone I talk to is telling me the same thing.

“Don't let your mom's actions affect you. Don't be like her.”

I'm getting to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone anymore because I know what they'll say. It's no help to me anymore. When I seek someone out to talk to them, I want to walk away from the conversation feeling better. Not the same or worse. Hearing over and over again how I can't do this or that just makes me mad and upset and gives me no relief. I know what they're telling me is true, I can't always let what my mom does affect me, but right now, how can I not? I live with her. She's my mother. I sit and watch her make all these horrid decisions and watch her bring in all these horrid men, especially the one she's got now. I don't know how to not let her actions affect me. It's easier said than done. And don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful for people listening to me and trying to help me, but sometimes I just want to yell STOP. Stop telling me that I can't let my mom's actions affect me. Stop telling me that I can't be like her. Stop telling me that I have to look forward to the future. Because frankly, in my eyes, the future looks horrid, grim, and miserable. The more people tell me I can't do this, feel this, let this affect me, the more I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm expected to be feeling a certain way and I feel all this pressure to be behaving a certain way or to have a certain mindset and when I don't, I just feel bad. Like there's something more wrong with me than just depression.

I don't know what to do anymore. If I talk to my youth ministers, I walk away from the conversation feeling the exact same, maybe worse, because the conversation didn't give me the relief I had hoped for. But if I don't? Every feeling I feel will the squished down, packed down inside, until finally I am at my final point and lose it.

I thinking the latter statement it going to happen. I don't want to talk to people anymore. Time to bring out smiles and my all time favorite sentence, “I'm fine.”

On another note, tomorrow I'm supposed to go to dinner with mom and her boyfriend/ex-fiance tomorrow night. That will be... Not fun. I can't even look at him without getting mad. I plan on ignoring him. I really hope my sister and her fiance soon tell my mom that her boyfriend/ex-fiance can't come to the wedding. Part of me just wants to see my mom mad, which is horrible, I know. But I think I deserve a little something, right? After everything I've been through?

And the second part of me knows that the more time that passes, the more concrete mom's plans to bring her boyfriend/ex-fiance are going to get. But yet, I dread the day when my sister tells her. That will be the equivalent of a nuclear power plant exploding.

And on another note, I still feel like the worst friend in the world. I still feel like my relationship with my best friend is going down the tubes and no matter what I say or do, nothing is fixing it. My efforts are futile. I try and talk to her, but I feel I get nothing back. And now I'm constantly worried that she's mad and me and just not telling me. She's acting weird. You know how when you're text messaging a person and you can kind of tell their mood? I can always tell hers. It's usually crazy and happy, even if something's bothering her, like school stress. Now? I sense anger, coldness, and irritation. And I feel like it's my fault. Why? Because I made the dumb mistake of opening my mouth and telling her how I felt. And I know it made her feel bad, because she used to tell me how even the slightest remark about how she did something wrong made her feel terrible.

Why can't I do anything right? I mess up everything. I feel like I'm failing in every aspect of life. School, work, friends. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do is wrong. And it's in more aspects than just my friendship.

I'm the maid of honor in my sister's wedding. As maid of honor I feel like a have some responsibility for planning things and helping organize things. For example, for the lingerie shower, I was supposed to make cupcakes. The week before the shower, I'm told that she's just going to get a local bakery to make them because she didn't think I would be able to do it. So that hurt a little bit.

The other night, my mom, sister, and I went to the bakery. When asked about the details for the cupcakes, every suggestion I made was bad. Wrong. Shot down. Ouch.

I'm learning to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything. I'm not making anymore suggestions. I'm not asking for anymore help, from anymore. And I'm never, ever, ever saying anything about how I feel again. I've learned from the experience that me opening up my mouth just makes things worse.

November 9,2012.

Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. Nothing. Is. Wrong. Don't say anything. Say you're fine and that nothing is wrong.

I'm gonna regret this decision later, but I'm not dealing with feeling bad for telling people how I feel anymore. I'm don't talking about me. Actually, I just want to be done talking. To anyone. About anything. I just want to curl up in bed with all the lights off and have some solid alone time.

Why does depression like me so much? Why does it hang on so tight? It's already destroyed me, there's no point in it sticking around, and yet it does. It's ruining my life and I don't know how to stop it. It's ruining my relationship with my best friend. It's already slammed me to the ground, and it's obvious I'm not getting up any time soon. Why won't it leave? It clings to me and no matter what I do or say or how many times I pray or ask God to relieve me, it stays.

I don't necessarily believe He wants me to be going through this, but sometimes I feel He looks down on me and laughs at my misery. Or in other words, I feel like I deserve this. Like it's some punishment for all the mistakes I've made. I pray and pray and pray. Then pray some more. And the result? Nothing.

I pray for the situation to change, for mom to lose the guy? Or maybe for her to change, open her eyes, and see all the hurt and pain she's caused and all the damage she's done.

I pray for me to change. Maybe it's something inside me that really does need fixing. Maybe I am the selfish person everyone claims me to be. Maybe I am ungrateful and a bad person.

I pray and say that I don't care what's done, as long as I can just feel some relief. Change me, change mom, change the situation. Something. And I get nothing.

No matter how I pray or what I pray, nothing happens. And that is the most frustrating thing in the world. God's supposed to be this Almighty Healer and someone who never leaves us and is always with us. Well, where is He? Cause He sure isn't here, helping me. Or at least, it certainly doesn't feel like it.

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, walking into church. How could someone like me, so mad at God and not very strong in my faith anymore, walk into church and sing praises? How can someone like me go to a bible study and read the bible, when I don't believe anything I read anymore?

Tonight was the dinner with mom's boyfriend/ex-fiance. I couldn't even look at him without getting mad. And hearing his stupid voice made my skin crawl. Even after just a few hours with him, I could tell he hadn't changed at all, like mom said he had. He still seemed to be the same disgusting guy he was. He still cussed. He still drank. He still did dip. He still was loud and obnoxious. He still acted like he knew everything about anything. The thought of having him back in my life kills me. And it totally sucks that I can't do anything about it.

My sister is such a good actress. I can never tell if she's being genuinely nice to him or if she's acting. I hope she's acting, because the last thing I need is for her to abandon me again. I'm starting to worry that she's going to back out of telling mom that her boyfriend/ex-fiance can't come to the wedding. I'm starting to worry that my sister may be taking mom's side and liking her boyfriend/ex-fiance. But then I remember the many talks we've have about how much her, me, and her fiance dislike him. But then I think about how nice she was to mom's boyfriend/ex-fiance.

I'm so confused now. Part of me knows my sister is just pretending, but the other part of me can't help but worry that she's actually, genuinely liking him.

I'm also getting worried about what's going to happen after the wedding. When my sister is gone. And it's just me, mom, and her boyfriend/ex-fiance. My sister was always kind of the mediator, I guess? She always seemed to keep things calm. Well, now what's going to happen when she's gone? And I have to face mom and hey boyfriend/ex-fiance alone?

Currently, I'm not seeing how things could possibly get better. I lose my sister and gain another stupid boyfriend of mom's. Nothing in that situation is good in any way, shape, or form.

I still feel like everyone is disappointed in me. For many reasons. One of the biggest being that I still let certain things affect me. I still feel like my best friend hates me for some reason. I still feel like I'm being suffocated. I still feel like God's ignoring me. I still feel like maybe things would be better if I were dead.

November 10, 2012.

I have to stand for two and a half hours with mom's boyfriend/ex-fiance today. Mom and my sister are running in a half marathon. I have no idea how this will go. I'm not really looking forward to it, considering I can't even look at the guy without feeling sick.

And trust me, I am not this sassy, rude, arrogant person. This guy has just done nothing to prove that he's a decent guy. I will admit, I am very bitter towards my mother, so maybe some of the hatred I have towards her overflows into my hatred for him. I'm not trying to say I'm little miss innocent and perfect over here, at all. I've given him numerous chances and he blew all of them. I dare say that he will never convince me to see him in another light. I've seen his true personality. I know how he is. I know what he's like. I think it's funny to watch him now. He's trying to be on his best behavior. But I know what lies beneath all that fake crap.

I just hope mom doesn't try to rush into getting married again. I can barely handle the fact that he's even the same city, I don't even want to think about what it'd like for him to be in our house again, talking marriage.

I wish my mom could see that I'm not this selfish person she paints me to be. I wish she could see that I'm just her daughter who has been so brutally hurt by her and is desperate for her to see my point of view. I wish she could see that her daughters are way more important than a stupid boyfriend. But I don't think she ever will. My therapist thinks she's mentally unhealthy. Which I don't argue with.

November 13, 2012.

Why am I so mad at my best friend? Why do I not want to talk to her anymore? Why am I always so jealous of her? I feel like I'm just making things worse and that our friendship is ruined. I've been purposefully ignoring her most of today, while she's been driving to camp with her school. Normally I would be thrilled to be able to talk to her all day and not have to worry about school, but today, I just didn't want to talk to her.

I think I'm letting my jealousy get the best of me. I get mad at her because she has a life. Actually, I think it's just I get jealous of her life and what she gets to do, especially trips. I get jealous because she gets to get away from all her stresses for a while and just leave everything behind while I am stuck here, still crying, still upset, still mad, still hurt.

It's really scaring me that I don't want to talk to my friend anymore. I used to not stand not being able to talk to her the few, short hours she was in school. Now, I don't care how long it is before I talk to her. Honestly, I'm hoping she doesn't text me at all this week. I'll probably ignore her if she does... 

Author's Note

Please don't look at grammar. I write on this whenever I'm upset and don't pay much attention. I just want to see if people are interested in my story.

Reviews

[Sunkissed Circus]

I can totally relate to most of what you're going through. One thing that especially caught my attention was your friend. I too have a best friend that when my depression had me too far down to climb out of, I would assume she hated me or was angry at me or didn't want to be my friend. It was those times where I felt most alone, but listen to me when I say it's all in your head. I would sit and convince myself that I didn't have friends, and everyone who talked to me was just being nice.

I resigned myself to only speaking when I was spoken to, and not making excessive conversation. I've been raised Catholic, but I'm not very religious, I'm more of a faith/interpersonal person. But, when I was at a point where I thought everyone hated me, someone told me that religion does not have to be a spectacle, reading the bible does not make you more religious than someone who does, but it doesn't make you a hypocrite either. I was told, in the simplest manner, prayers don't have to be extravagant, God is a father figure, he loves you like you're his child. You don't have to beg for help, he wants you to come to him with your problems, and he doesn't care how eloquent you are in expressing it, he knows what you need.

I don't read the bible, I haven't been to church in months, years even, but I pray when I am scared, thankful, or need help. I don't tell God what I want, he already knows. Half the time I can't even sort out what I want to say, so I just think, "you know what's wrong, just help me, please, because I know there is nothing I can do."

hope this can help a bit. :]

[Mich]

Consider this response God's answer to your prayer. Learning what the Bible really teaches about Him, whose name is Jehovah, His purpose for us, as individuals, and for humankind, as a whole is possible. Jesus tells us in his Father's Word at John 17:3 that, basically, taking in accurate knowledge about the Father, Jehovah, and the Son, Jesus means everlasting life--for real. I humbly suggest that you visit the website: www.jw.org to learn so much more about what the future holds and how you can really find happiness that is real and longlasting. I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses. We offer home Bible discussions, free of charge. You, as an honest-hearted person, can learn so much more about Jehovah's purpose to end all suffering in the very near future. Love...and...please: Learn the Truth, Jehovah's.