Journal Entry #3

Always make sure your body, and your mind are in the same place. Your body might be saying yes, but that doesn’t always mean your mind agrees. Your body reacts to different things, through the physical sense. Your mind reacts differently at a slower rate mentally.

I will use myself as an example.
My body says yes, but then my mind is LITERALLY screaming for it to stop. NO TOUCHING! NO MORE! JUST STOP TOUCHING ME! But, I can’t bring myself to move. I can’t say anything EXCEPT, “NO!” I can’t even bring myself to give an explanation.
It used to be that whenever anybody touched me, I felt like I was passing the filth that I felt was forever on me, onto them. Being touched by ANYBODY, even family, made my skin crawl. So, I put distance between everyone and I. Over time I grew comfortable around family again. If I work with you for a certain period of time, you are my second family, and I’ll trust you.

I’m NOT a hugger. I’m NOT clingy unless I like you. I’m NOT a touchy feely person.
I AM a loner. I AM guarded. I AM scarred.
I HAVE BEEN stabbed in the back. I HAVE BEEN forgotten. I HAVE BEEN abandoned. I HAVE BEEN used. I HAVE BEEN taken for granted. I HAVE BEEN bullied.

All this has made me into who I am. I am still incredibly guarded, so I have walls up. However, I WILL embrace my past. I WILL accept what has happened. I WILL own up to my mistakes. I WILL be more confident. I WILL love myself. I WILL be worthy. I WILL be me. If that means I have to do it alone, then okay. But, the person who sticks around to break down my walls, to get the real me, that is who I will move forward with.