10-31-15

10-31-15

Upon the first step forward I cringe. My toes curl. I realize I can go no further. Contained in a box I might sleep forever if only forever wasn't so far away. I am divided by land and sea and all because grief’s daughter threw me away.

But what is to become of her?

Entrance into her womb allows great misfortune. No one can avoid its clutches. Devils give birth here and enflamed waterways sashay through tight channels beneath a vacant sky. Fingers stretch and curl in moist earth as night sings its end. Though the battle was almost won there appears to be only losers. Humanity breathes one last breath.

Now I drift against an undead army. Their putrid decay swells with every wind gust.  In the horizon where blood boils against orange I spy our opponents. They march to the beat of their superiority. Pulling the gore covered sword from my flesh I raise it high in the air. I fight for man no more.  Letting out a shrilling cry we charge into battle one final time to reclaim the rights over our souls. 

Ask not the questions of the ordinary for they will writhe beneath your skin like maggots.

6:00pm

Where am I now?  Who am I now?

Time, in tragedy’s boots, walked over space in a manner that stated war.  When eyes opened to take in truth they started to hemorrhage as society’s ugly design distorted beauty.  I discerned this was merely a short nightmare, but damnation carried out its rage and left to waste the possibilities of belief.

Large draped windows robbed the room of light.  As my eyes focused I surveyed the silhouetted contents inhabiting it.  Trouble brewed a terrible poison for breeds less fortunate. Damnation is not prejudice. From the dark depths of my mind this truth refuses to part.

Now he is here.

False hope. False teachings. We are conditioned to believe we are in control of our lives and deaths, that death is not the end but only the beginning, and as we embrace denial we regress. Then again humans are arrogant creatures. We assume to know or not know certain happenings with gross beliefs that divide us and ultimately cloak our ignorance with assuring lies. Perhaps our not knowing is a blessing but of course it can very well be our downfall since it is in our nature to comfort our oddities and enforce religious beliefs even though they clash with others and make deathly enemies in the process.

Perhaps no mortal man has the answers. After all mortal man is limited in his thought and abilities.

These thoughts are poisoned. As a human I cannot help but long for something to explain the unexplained. I fashion myself a grand illusion, but when the smoke clears all I am left with is the seeds of denial and perhaps hope. I might as well plant them and see what sprouts through the soil of possibility. Such would make for an open avenue I might explore heavily. Still I deposit myself here in this hard wood chair, listen to life and my own fingers crack as my knuckles press against my chin.

Fabrication is man's greatest invention. It doesn't stand alone. Sorrowful are these words as I allow them entry into an already hollow landmark. Though one direction has many hands to guide me through its twist and turns I have to wonder if it leads anywhere. Suppose there is no infinite time and space. Suppose there is nothing beyond this physical shell. What is the point to life if all we do is die?

In my human dilemma I am again taken by the fact I am not meant to understand, perhaps can't understand. After all I am human and am limited to this mortal coil. Is it so hard to fathom dimensions beyond our own?

But only in night's stamp across the land. And only for a matter of hours do my eyes truly see that chaos has no father and time is an invention of mankind. Religion is a fairytale twisted and warped to fit fear and need. Yet in my human insecurity I clutch to hope.

Howling wind rushed me back to the present and I tilted my face upward. Harsh glare instantly obscured my vision and I again resumed my spiral toward self-destruction.

Nimbus appendages extended and enveloped me. Instantly sensation awakened, coursed through endless channels of sight, sound and physical necessity. However a blockade emerged from reality's corner.

But the nimbus is beautiful and soft. Youth returns with the rush of excitement. If only I wasn't restrained to mortal obligation… But my heart won't lie.

From agony's depths leapt shadows. Formless pockets bleed across my cosmos and again thoughts submerged in a ceaseless sea of pain and misery. Tragedy aged me and now as I suited myself with the fashion of truth I must admit when I am mortal.

Could I just for a while pretend as though illness doesn't exist? Summoned courage eventually lay expired upon limitation's breast. Still I lingered at the corner of doubt and disbelief.

Helpless and after all human, I turned my back to the light. To step into its beam would forever haunt me as I much rather stay hidden from love, life and reality.

I followed the broken cobblestone path. One foot in front of the other, I ambled with my head bowed. I wish not to see the obstruction ahead. It will stop me regardless and this realized truth slowed me in my pace.

Where is my nimbus cloud to carry me away?

Spewed forth past blistered lips words unraveled a steady string of cursing as glinting eyes closed. She lowered the dagger, paused and took a deep breath. Sharp pain choked the air from her lungs as rushing steel tore through her rib cage. Her legs buckled and she collapsed onto a stone slab. Its gaping fissures drank the steady crimson flow pumping from around the blade as it inched deeper and deeper still.

Awaken, Bitter Fate, and sleep with your master. For the time has come to put aside humanity and the poison it harvested. The approach of the waning moon settles all doubt, but what is the moon? A silly dust ball scarred and dying, yet mortals believe in its power.

"Die, Raven," hissed the shadows. "Never again breathe the very insult of your salvation."

A world such as this is not worth remaining in. I figured this out when man's seed soured innocence womb. Nothing more is to become of me. I am forgotten, just another speck of sand. I listen no more for what I am is what I never wanted to be. I have failed not only myself but my dream. My heart betrayed every fiber of my resolve.

Dejection enchains my thoughts. Call me and save me from the dark. There's nothing inside but a fiery demon spent on destruction of my mortality. To live or die no longer is a haunted house I am trapped in.

Alone and lonely…lonely and alone…whispers caress my ear with immortal fabrications. Fresh routines slices through meat and scrapes bone and there no one here to stop it. My hand wants another to hold.  I have been isolated my whole existence by defeat and…these thoughts that so painfully restrain me.

Pretty little cuts…how you fail to congeal.

This hole I was thrown into continues to deprive me of the light I so desperately seek. Faces circle above. Their bleach complexions split apart; became yawning divides revealing rows of serrated teeth.

Hope, please find me again.

Intestines dripping gore race across a muddy sky, splintering like lightning bolts as laughter fills the darkness. It is a sound bleeding into growls; an unseen beast that rules this hell.

I'll keep slipping farther…

Children of the damned sing a melancholy chorus of bitterness and lies. So then where is the truth?

Truth is buried along with happiness.

"What's your name?"

"Mary."

My shoulders rounded. Creeping from my shoulder up into my neck, tension settled into my muscles. If I wrote a novel of pain it would never be finished.

Mortals sponsor another kind of evil. Have you learned nothing from this? Pardon ignorance as an excuse. It does nothing to polish your flaws.

Soil and pebbles embedded under my fingernails as I clawed at the walls. Wet earth filled my nostrils as it tumbled down around me. It was then I realized this was my grave.

"But I am not dead," I screamed.

Death isn't always a physical occurrence. Some people are dead on the inside yet their bodies are fully functional.

Dead inside. Am I dead inside?

From what evil do I spawn from?

Does anyone matter?

I find the devil in my thoughts. He locks doors and boards up windows. I walk dark halls. Occasionally a turn leads me to another stretch but it is all the same. I am alone, but then again I am not. He is always either behind or ahead of me with large egg shaped eyes and a bleeding red tongue.

I try to tell myself that if I continue on I might find a way back to you, but…then he tells me truth I don't want to hear and the structure under my feet changes. No longer am I treading on wood or butchered carpet.

Hell's breath fans my face and through a veil of stinging tears I watch as the devil gestures my way. On a soggy muscle terrain I approach.

This is the end.