He used to sleep with an empty head, an empty mind, now he's sleeping with a head full of thoughts about you.
You said you loved him, was it true? If it was, why is he living with a broken heart right now? Is because he trusted you, blindly.
He did everything he could do just to keep you around and you did everything you could to push him away. Oh boy, he's still here, fighting for your existance.
How many times did you break his heart? You're not even counting and he's still here; healing himself every single time just to be there for you. However, he had enough pain. He said living in pain with you is better than living happily without you but damn, he had enough.
He accepted you as who you are and he kept fighting for you but unfortunately, you were fighting against him; that's why he lost the war.
Go ahead and find someone else to love you as much as he did. But girl, you're too fucked up to be loved.
I love how you use raw emotions to write. It helps the reader connect to your writing better. I'm sorry that your heart feels ripped out, mutilated, broken, stomped upon, and then harshly shoveled back into your chest. I commend you on your courage on letting your heart speak. I know it looks bleak right now that the puzzle pieces of love are not falling in your favor, but have hope. I believe you can bounce back from this. I also know that after a love so true, you lose a piece of yourself and become hardened around the edges. I have faith that there is still the right girl out there for you. I hope you don't become so calloused and hardened that you give up on the prospect of love in and of itself, but again, I commend you for your strength. I can honestly say many women would love the devotion you write about. Kudos to you. I admire your strength and bravery. ♥
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
This is so positive, thank you so much!
And thanks for your amazing words.
My god, I would LOVE a follow up to this story where the guy's anger has been cooled down and he's still not happy about what she did but instead decides to be the bigger person and wish her the best. I think as of right now, this poem shows the frustration and anger that comes along with pouring your heart into someone you love and having them not return the favor but it leaves a sour ending and I wonder how great it would be to see the different stages of this heartbreak. Good job!
I can appreciate the story your words are telling but for me, I don't feel like your word choices show the anger, the pain, and all the emotions you are trying to convey. Like they say, show me, don't tell me. But great effort!
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
I can try harder next time and improve my words, thanks for your review, Willa.
People care about trying to conquer people who hate them while totally ignoring the ones they love..
Your story focused it really well..
Keep writing...:)
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
Thanks for encouraging me and for your review, Nat.
I can appreciate the inability to recognize the lack of love being given by the one we love. Sometimes we are SO enamored we neglect or choose not to see the flaws in the other. When the light finally comes on - it's time to realize it's best to move on. We must ask, "Is anyone really worth all of this heartache?"
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
I really appreciate your reviews, thank you so much!
Someone who continues to fight your love probably isn't worth the time, however, I don't think anyone can be too messed up to be loved. The man is the poem is too good for her and he ought to be with someone who actually appreciates his existence. But, I don't know for sure if the girl is unworthy of love. Anyone can be loved and learn to love with the right tools. That doesn't guarantee that changes will be made, though. A person would have to be a demon in order to not deserve love, which I don't think this girl in the story is.
Sorry, that was a bad start... I actually loved your writing. It's so straightforward forward without all of the extra fancy gloss. It presents truth and an unfortunate reality towards bitter people who take advantage of others love. I wish more people were honest like you.
Great job!
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
Well, thanks for your time reading my writing and reviewing it, I really appreciate it. Thanks.
You wanted your honest opinion about this story, and I'm a blunt person when it comes to things I strongly like, or dislike.
Good things first up. The portrayal of the guy is good. The way you've written heartbreak is also good. You've also successfully managed to turn the girl into a villain she isn't.
Look, I'm not hating, but from what I've learnt in life, nobody is too 'fucked up to love' as you have put it. I've experienced this myself. I have a relative, a close one at that, who used to be a
huge fuckboy as people so
like to call it. His greatest
pleasure was seeing girls suffer after he broke their hearts. But in the most cliche
way possible, he met a wonderful woman who changed him for once and for all. It was just a matter of time and faith.
As Sirius Black put it, We've all got both, light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act upon. That's who we really are.
Did Lily's death not change
Snape?
Again, I'm not hating, just stating my opinions. I just believe that people can change. Nobody is too fucked up to love.
Sorry if my words hurt you in any way. I did not mean to be offensive or hurtful. You've got a pretty good story here if people like it. I'm just stating my opinions.
Love,
Vasilees.
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
Okay then I've the right to reply I guess.
First of all, who's Lily?
A.. read moreOkay then I've the right to reply I guess.
First of all, who's Lily?
And the second thing, just because that fuckboy you knew met a woman and she changed him doesn't mean that every fuckboy will meet a wonderful woman, or every girl will meet her wonderful man, it depends. 50 50 percent.
And yeah, I asked for honest opinion and I don't get mad if people didn't like my writings, just the opposite I like it, so i can write something better next time.
Thanks so much for spending your time reading my story and for reviewing it, Vasilees, lots of love.
7 Years Ago
I'm really glad you didn't take any offence. Yes, I kind of understand what you're saying too. read moreI'm really glad you didn't take any offence. Yes, I kind of understand what you're saying too.
By the way, that only makes sense to Potterheads. Lily is Harry's mother. Her death played a crucial role in the series. If you haven't read the books, I strongly recommend them! They're timeless.