Chapter 1- Losing Everything

The sun was rising and slowly showering its light on the darkened night. It's something about a sun rising in winter morning. The chills of winter would make you shiver in your own not explainable pains and the rising sun would give you the hope of someday coming out from the darkness. It would give hope of washing away the pains of a troubled night, horrors and those terrible memories. It was 6:00 or maybe precisely 6:07. I had this habit of waking up at exactly 6:07 no matter what (only to go back to sleep again). 

I spread out my arms to receive some warm, fresh and healing rays of sun. I had slept on the bench where I used to everyday with no shelter and just a blanket, but yesterday neither did I take a blanket nor went in even though it was raining harshly, because I deserved more than this to let my life suck, spend in nightmares, to drown in darkness.    

On other days when I was in my parents' home I would go back and sleep on my bed to simply get scoldings from my parents and pretend to be indifferent. Today, I couldn't do that, for I had no one to pretend for, to make them hate me. The fear again came back, the guilt again came back if it had ever left me and kept on increasing if there was any more greater extent than what I was feeling. But, I soon pushed it back deep in my heart where it invisibly started the process of destruction, of being consumed by it.

I went for a walk in the aura of beautiful smells of the leaves. Walk, was something that made my messed up mind go into sleep for sometime and let me experience the beauty by my heart that also seemed messed up.

Chahat of 21 I am, and what I did all my life was being selfish. I never satisfied anyone around me, never fulfilled their wished and just went for what I wished. I was a pop star, The Rocklings Band. Although it was really just a petty amount I earned I was happy with it. Living in a small house I could afford, I came to my Dad's home every time my Mum used to call me. Like father, like daughter. Because of our big fat egos and stubbornness(that is hereditary in our family- from our great grandfather) till their death we never had the peaceful relationship. 

Anyway, we have a show on Tuesday. Well, this one is my special one- 'Alone I cry' which I had recently composed. The irony this was the one I wanted to express to my parents, but..

 When all my wishes were said and heard, my pains of denying their wish of me being a settled one, of carrying my father's legacy in business was unsaid. They have seen the rude me, but I blame them, I blame me, I blame the world for not letting them see the pain of being rude, of the soft me, of the love I have for them. 

And you know what, I didn't get to see their last glimpse too. They went too far from me to even feel their presence near me. Shouldn't I be suffering in the prison now?  

Why all this? Why life is filled of pain? Why me?Why did I deserve this pain? Who am I? Why am I living?

I looked at the world around me for some answers, but instead I got a sarcastic laugh. Life sucks it seemed to say. Then what didn't suck? Where was pure pleasure? I looked at the Sun, but even it would come after the dark night and would again go back for the darkness to creep in. Where is the real life?

A soft music lingered in the air as I played my guitar- the music that could comfort my soul and embrace every soul, whose stirring movement of strings slowly removed the hatred, ego, jealousy, pain, fear out of every soul, that gave only love. Spreading out compassion, it was the only thing that gave me peace, that seemed to calm the ever-calm nature that looked fierce to me. The destruction went not cared for moments as I got lost in the haunting music, as I got lost in the touch of the strings on the tip of my fingers, as my eyes got lost in the unseen beauty and my world of darkness sprang into the beauty of darkness...

***

Dark, my world was always, but today it became a void- of complete emptiness. Useless, unworthy, aimless I felt. What when life has nothing, plain nothing, what when you have given nothing to the world nor the world to you, what when you are just a burden in the world?

 Envy filled up in me, towards myself, towards the world I betrayed, the world that betrayed me, my life. Nor a good child, burden on boyfriends, unworthy friend, achievement less development less job. Oops. I no more have the so called job too. I know, I am just useless, when I preach of aiming to be a pop star and then blame the job. This is how I am and that's why I hate myself.

A while back I had gone to meet 'the no more existing' Rocklings band. Like I said I take along with me unluckiness where ever I go- Broke the band of 5 years just by joining for 6 months. As absurd it may sound, that bad I am. Escaping duty. Raj and Jay, the lead singer and drummer have left the band, shifting to New York for business after as they term it 'personal' problems. 

So, the band broke because of my unluckiness. I had turned to my parents' home because I was the only one to take possession of it. But, the moment I kept my hands on the gates, I just removed them from there- these devil hands are not worthy of touching those hard-work filled gates and stain them with the impurities of me. I went to my home, but even that didn't deserve such a bad one. In fact, I deserved nothing. I DESERVED NOTHING! I screamt the pain didn't leave, it came as an intruder, stayed like a haunting devil, turned me evil.

I left everything and walked aimlessly on the roads hoping to just suck the life out of me, to just kill myself, to know what should I do yet I found nothing after walking miles together where no person, where no sound, where no life, where nothing but my devils- haunting anger, pain, jealousy, guilt, hatred, desire to die and be reborn with desire to live. Everything seemed so blurred, faded away that I fell to the ground on my knees tears killing me and me with pain, wanting to get killed...

Author's Note

Hope it came out well. Please give your views. And be free to criticize. Soon, I will start the spiritual story. Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it.

Reviews

[Sebastian Falzarano]

Some corrections that I would like to start this review with:

* "The chills of winter would make you shiver in your own not explainable pains..",: the word "not" should be taken out
* "It would give hope of washing away the pains of a troubled night, horrors and those terrible memories. It was 6:00 or maybe precisely 6:07. I had this habit of waking up at exactly 6:07 no matter what (only to go back to sleep again).": this sentence contradict itself. Taking out "It was 6:00..." and changing it to "It was 6:07." would make this sentence make more sense. Also, removing the parentheses and replacing it with a comma instead is the correct way for this sentence.
* "On other days when I was in my parents' home...": You can take out the word "other" and replace "parents'" with "parent's". The parents own the home.
* "Walk, was something that made my messed up mind go into sleep for sometime and let me experience the beauty by my heart that also seemed messed up.": This is a great sentence, the problem is again the grammar issues. I believe that you were meaning to write "Walking was something..." rather then "Walk, was something..." The latter makes no sense.
* "Although it was really just a petty amount I earned I was happy with it.": There should be a comma after the word "although"
* "Because of our big fat egos and stubbornness(that is hereditary in our family- from our great grandfather) till their death we never had the peaceful relationship.
Anyway, we have a show on Tuesday. Well, this one is my special one- 'Alone I cry' which I had recently composed. The irony this was the one I wanted to express to my parents, but..": There are several mistakes here. First, the reader doesn't need to know that the characters' "big fat egos and stubbornness" are from another family member unless it has plot significance. But don't worry, I made the same mistake of putting in too much detail when I started writing. As you write more, you will begin to gradually see what is relevant and what isn't. This is very important to keep in mind. Another problem is that the next sentence seems to skip over whatever point that you were trying to get through. There should also be a comma after the word "irony" as well.

The opening paragraph nabbed my attention, which is great. I am already curious as to who this character was and why they would start their story with the sun. Already, I am interpreting the sun to represent hope and a new day. But I do see some problems with the chapter. But then after around the third paragraph, I began to loose interest. Not because it was boring, but because the main problem seems to be that you spend more time explaining and telling rather then showing. When you wish to describe something that is going on, you seem to be directly telling it the reader rather then implying it. Thta is what is killing the story for me.
Overall, I believe that the story, or rather the plot, has much potential to be a grand lesson to your implied audience, but what is preventing this is the grammar issues and the problem that I have mentioned above. The message you want to get across is something that teens and even adults deal with all at some point in their lives, and it is almost always life changing. I believe that if you take the time that you feel you need and make the nessecary corrections, you will see how much better this piece of writing will turn out. I am looking forward to reading chapter 2 whenever I have the time!

[Rainslover]

Thank you so much for the detailed review and for pointing out my flaws! I can now work on it properly! I feel I should edit this chapter. I will work on it and try to show, have got some ideas but I think I would need some more time to work on it.

Thank you for the review. I'll work on it and send you a read request when it is done. Thank you so much! :)

[Sebastian Falzarano]

Your welcome.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you for sharing! This was excellent! A great read, and I really appreciate you sharing this with me because I loved it! Have a great day, and please keep writing, never give up.

[Rainslover]

Thank you so much! :)

[FaeryQueen]

this is great, really loved the imagery here! thank you for sharing your intended analysis.

[Rainslover]

Thank you so much! :)