mirror

need your honest opinions of this poem as i am planning to publish it in a book on large scale

)Speak to me I say myself

Looking at the mirror

Trying to scream my heart out

Hoping to clot the blood

Covering the wound myself

By accepting my existence

It was hard for the world to accept me 

And now how hard is getting to accept myself

Dying with the sufferance

Helps me live

Agreeing to the inner beauty of minds

Appearance of the body mattered

Facial expressions spoke more than my mind did! 

Should I bleed or clot the blood

Speak to me I say myself

Looking at the mirror

Speaking to myself,So confidently

Not fearing my existence and appearance

I learnt to accept myself

Mirror you are my need, like the needy for love

Having faith in you 

Helped me love me, myself

And you!

Author's Note

need your honest opinion,all views are appreciated

Reviews

[JayG]

A few comments:

Stanzas are to poetry what paragraphs are to fiction. They organize thoughts, act as a "thought organizer," and help the reader find their place.

And, the reader must have context at all times. When you read, the background events that led to the poem's creation are obvious and the references clear. But to a reader, when you say, "Trying to scream my heart out," there's no antecedent. Why does this unknown person what to do this? No way to know, but you're going on as-if-the-reader-knows. You say, "It was hard for the world to accept me." Why? And since you say, "was" what changed so that you're now accepted? No way to know.

With no end stops, it's difficult to know when a thought continues and when it ends. For example, was your intent to connect "Trying to scream my heart out," and "Hoping to clot the blood," as a single thought or as two separate thoughts? No way to know—which is part of why punctuation was created. But your intent should be obvious to the reader as they go through it the first time, not be something to be puzzled out.

E. L. Doctorow put it well when he said, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

In your poetry you're currently talking TO the reader about how YOU feel. But poetry's goal is to move the reader emotionally, as a form of entertainment. And if we talk to them about how we feel as a result of unknown events, what can the reader say/feel but "Uhh...okay."?

Invite the the reader in. Don't tell the reader that you weep. Make THEM weep, and laugh, and...

To see what I mean, look at The Cremation of Sam McGee.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

It's structured poetry, which isn't your thing, but look at the flow, how the reader is drawn in by both the action and the drumbeat of the word-flow, and how the reader always has context. And hopefully, how it makes you smile at the end.

And when you finish the poem, go on and read the analysis, to see how Mr. Service drew the reader in.

As a second example, look at the flow of the opening lyrics for, The Twelfth of Never. In it, the protagonist lie yours, is addressing an outside agency. But rather than doing so because of unknown internal reasons, they're responding to a known stimulus:

You ask me how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain
You ask how long I'll love you, I'll tell you true
Until the Twelfth of Never, I'll still be loving you…

Sorry my news isn't better. But you did ask.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/