Happiness?

Journal Entry i just decided to share

11/15/2013

12:30 pm

Journal

Lately, ive been finding myself trying to figure out how people achieve this thing called happiness and want to know what the secret to it is. Will i ever be lucky enough to experience that feeling called bliss? or will i ever experience the feeling of being so high off life,love, or just anything at all that i dont want to come down. I thought maybe I  was coming out of this dark place, but now ive realized that ive just been covering up, and distractiong myself from my emotions and feeling, and now that ive ran out of "cover-ups" i find myself in the same place that i was in before.

Im still trying to figure out my purpose; why im here. I know that i have one because ive been through too much that i could have not made it out of and somehow, for some reason im still here. Sometimes i dont care; i could die tomorrow and the thought wouldnt phase me, and other days i find myself terrified to go to sleep. I miss home, family, a sense of normalcy because right now, i dont feel like myself Im so lonely, i have no shoulder to cry on, just a piece of paper for me to write the way im feeling, which helps but then i begin to cry and start thinking im crazy. Ive been thinking more about joining the Air Force, for multiple reasons, ive always wanted to but right now i just want to get away on my own and find a new norm.

The worst feeling ever is not feeling good about yourself or feeling like less of a person which is how ive been feeling for months. I feel trapped, like im stuck in this space and cant get out of it. 

I  did something for myself yesterday in attmept bring my spirits up but that was money wasted because i still feel the same crappy way as i did before. Im almost to the point where im done caring about anything at all, this feeling is becoming a part of me; this depression. I feel even lower than i did the last time. I just want a friend, someone to talk to, someone that cares other than my parents. Someone to hang out with and maybe feel a little normal. Im tired of feeling down, i really am but i dont see mylife changing anytime soon. I ask god why to so many things and i try to figure out why he has dealt me the hand that he has but these are questions ive been asking for years to still have no answer, so im just going to stop wondering and just deal with it.

My mom keeps telling me that everything happens for a reason and things will get better, but im not sure i cant take any more years or even months of this. I feel like everyones living, enjoying some parts of their like and here i am just existing; and sometimes i dont even want that. I consider myself a good person, i dont hurt anyone,or talk down on anyone, i try to help others as much as i can, but that seems to not matter because no one can help me when i need it the most.

Im almost out of cares to give and tears to cry so what happens when im completely out of both? I guess ill just have to wait and see. Right now i just want to be alone, maybe think a little bit, or maybe ill just shut off all my thoughts and fall asleep I dont know, either way im still hoping with every hope in me that things will get better.

Author's Note

If the punctuations are off just look over it, im not gonna edit it. THX :-) and dont forget to tell me what you think

Reviews

[Micheal Abraham]

this is a sad piece some of which i can relate to but the key is to never let other people's expericences make u feel any lesser we look on from the ouside but we dont really know what is going on with those people our lives are only how we make it u have the pen write yourself a new chapter what that chatper contains can be filled with the most amazing of life experiences like love laughter friendships but only if you are willing to write of such a wonderful tale :)

[A wright]

Thank you for your encouraging words...i am slowly trying to write myself a new chapter; a more happy one but things seem to always get in the way, but i guess that comes with life. Thx again for taking the time out to read it and comment :-)

[Micheal Abraham]

that would be one chapter i eagerly await reading keep on writing its gonna be the best yet :)