The Boy that couldn't swim

A Story by Rasheem

This is a short autobiography of myself when i was going through a hard time.

So far this year is looking like a repeat of last year. I don’t have a job. I’m not in school, no girlfriend and worst of all I am lost. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a dark ocean looking up at the black sky trying to find the light. My life has spiraled out of control. I don’t even feel like I have a life anymore. I lost it at some point along the way. I believe it was when I couldn’t pay my rent that summer. It was on the month of my birthday. I asked my dad and stepmother but they told me I was on my own and to not ask them for anything anymore. I knew my mom wouldn’t have it she stayed low on cash but I asked anyway and she did not have it. I would not have been in that situation if I had not gotten fired from my jobs. I had two jobs one was working at Kmart for several months, then they started cutting my hours, so I had to look for another job. I found a job cleaning the cafeteria at Georgia southern. It was an overnight job. It did not conflict with school or my other job whenever they decided to put me on the schedule, for a while everything was good. I was getting money in school everything was ok well almost everything. That night vacuuming floors I made a terrible mistake. For some reason I can’t clearly remember why. I broke up with my girlfriend. It was over a text, telling her that we needed sometime apart.

I remember that she was three hours away attending some other college maybe that had something to do with it. We didn’t talk for a whole month. Then bad things started happening to me. Kmart finally started putting me back on the schedule, but it was only on the weekends. I work overnight at the other job Monday through Friday so it shouldn’t have been a problem. That Friday when I got off I went home and fell straight asleep. The next morning I had to work at Kmart, my eyes checked the clock and I had an hour to get dressed. Instead I chose to close my eyes, because I was still tired from work last night. This was another mistake, later on that day the boss from Kmart called saying I no longer had a job for missing too many days. I didn’t sweat it too much because I still had my other job. Then a few days later tragedy struck again. I was finishing up vacuuming on my side of the floor when I noticed someone knocking on the window. He was pointing at something but I did not know what. I walked towards him so I could hear what he was saying. He said he forgot his backpack inside, and was asking if I could let him in to get it. I didn’t think nothing of it so I let him in. Well come to find out I was in violation of some code and they let me go. Now I had no job and rent was coming up, my staffing agency called asking what happened so I told them, and they said okay don’t worry about it. A few days later they called telling me about a job that was in a factory.

It would be overnight Monday through Friday, rent was coming up so there was no choice to be made. The first day there was so long they had me stacking blinds in a box for ten hours. Looking around I could see a bunch of old people stacking blinds in boxes like it was nothing. It scared the s**t out of me. How can someone come here every night and do the same thing over and over again, what kind of life is that? Everything was moving slowly but surely at the factory until my friend came along. He got hired a few days after I did from the look on his face he hated it as much as I did maybe even more because on the third day we or rather he elaborated a plan that would get us off work early. Jock came panting to the supervisor making himself look like he was about to cry. So I played along giving it my best poker face. “Sir we got to go my big sister just had a stroke!” It took everything I had not to fall on the floor and burst out laughing, but it worked and we got off early. Then the next day we were back in the same predicament only this time it was me who decided to leave early. My girl and I was on our last leg in our relationship. Well technically we weren’t even together anymore just talking. She was back in the boro for the summer staying at her friend’s house. I tried several times to get back with her telling her I was sorry for what I did. Not even sure why I said what I said in the first place. She texted me that night I was in the factory agreeing to finally see me again. That was all I needed to hear. I looked at jock and motioned my head towards the exit. He smiled and said “bet let’s go!” unlike jock I didn’t come up with any excuse for leaving I just walked out the door and he followed. A fatal mistake one that changed everything. I met up with Stella that night and we had sex in the movie theater. It was good and I thought things would be alright between us after that. She was never quite the same after her father died. At the funeral I did the best I could to be there for her, which wasn’t much I sat there feeling out of place looking around at all the sad faces. The funeral director agreed to let the family see their loved one again before they cremated him.

It was through those double doors in the back where I see Stella’s father for the first time. So this was the man responsible for creating that beautiful creature who stood next to me. He seemed rather nonchalant and I instantly believed every word that Stella told me about him. “It is what it is.” I thought in a voice I believe was how he sounded. Stella turned around and hugged me sobbing. I held her tightly my eyes still fixed on her father. The next day after that movie night with Stella the factory job called telling me and jock that we were no longer welcome there. My heart dropped I don’t know why though I should’ve known that would happen. Rent was overdue and I had like three days to make something shake or I was on my a*s, and on my birthday month at that. I was in the car with Stella telling her my problems she seemed unconcerned with a face that said I got problems of my own n***a. I knew a guy that new a spot where it was somewhat safe to break in cars and take things that didn’t belong to us.

I told Stella that I had partaken on some of those ventures even though I actually didn’t. To see what she would say about it, because I was actually thinking of doing it for real. I however choose not to do it. If I had just went on one or two runs with quan my situation would have been different. Maybe it was the way Stella looked at me when I told her that. Lord knows I wouldn’t do anything to purposefully hurt her, and what if I were to get caught and thrown in jail. She would be devastated and probably leave my a*s. I decided to pack my things and go back to Screven. Didn’t want to but my only other choice was to steal from others. I was not going to scoop that low just go back to Screven sheem and ride the storm. The lord will see me through. When I finished packing the last of my items I crank up my car only to realize it wasn’t going to make it to Screven with what was in the tank. I screamed at the top of my lungs. “F**k sheem! You don’t even have five dollars!” After venting I thought about where I could get it. I remembered what vette and dad told me about being on my own so they weren’t going to help. Mom was broke my friends couldn’t spare it they suggested I ask my girl.

I defiantly didn’t want to do that especially since I asked her for so much already. The last thing I wanted to do was pull up on her with all my s**t in the car asking for gas money. I mean that’s going to look really pathetic. Do you have no pride sheem? I thought again about stealing just one time then I’m done. Stella’s face popped up in my head her look was of great disappointment. I choose to just ask her for it I can give it back and then some when I get back right. I called and told her what was going on she agreed to help. When I pulled up on her the look on her face was as damaging as the one I imagined in my head. She got in the car and I drove to the gas station. The way she was acting bothered me. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last time I see her for three long years.

I dropped her back at her friends place, I don’t even think we hugged. I looked at her in my rear view as I drove away. She was walking back to the apartment with her arms crossed shaking her head. The drive to Screven seemed like a drive to Atlanta, I knew my life was about to change I knew I was about to go through hell. I just didn’t know how long I would be visiting.

Thoughts from the boy

I’m lying in a row boat. Looking into the sky. Well not really. I mean if someone was looking at me, that’s what they would see, but I’m elsewhere. My finger is in the water and my right foot dangles of the edge. I’m surrounded by water that stretches as far as I can see. It’s slightly misty here. My rowboat doesn’t move how could it? There are no waves or any type of wind blowing. I lay in my rowboat in this misty lake or maybe it’s a swamp, but it can’t be a swamp there would be bugs flying around or trees with moss hanging from them. It looks to be an empty lake with just me on my rowboat. Something is missing.

When I got back to Screven I wasn’t greeted with smiles or flowers. I opened the door to see thirty or forty roaches having a meeting on my mother’s counter. When the hell did mom get roaches? There weren’t any when I left to go to college. I grabbed a rag from the sink and begin swatting like I was beating a five year old a*s for breaking my favorite video game. Then I headed towards my old room. There was junk everywhere clothes, empty bottles, paper all on the floor. It looked like they used this room for storage. I cleared of the junk and flopped in my bed. My heart was so heavy that all I could do was lay there and look at the ceiling. My mind was blank only the sound of quietness pierced my ears. Until my mom burst through the door interrupting the silence. “Don’t be laying there feeling sorry for yourself.” she said. Then closed the door behind her.

Hate to say it but that’s exactly what I did. Three or four days had passed by and I hadn’t left the house once. The morning of my first arrival I found myself waking up itching and scratching. I flipped the sheets over and examined my body, my arms and legs were covered with little tiny bumps. I yelled for my mother she came in and said simply “O yeah I think there are bed bugs in that bed.” “You think?” I replied. Mom got some bed bug spray and I sprayed the whole can out on the bed. Then I cleaned the room up to my liking and got my stuff out the car. I hooked my game up and there I sat playing the game isolating myself from the rest of the world.

When I wasn’t playing the game I was laying in the bed. Thinking about life. How I wanted to be an actor so bad. I envisioned myself playing in movies doing bad s**t shooting people up. Saving the girl having her fall in love with me. Then I would get nominated for an Oscar, Stella and I would walk the red carpet. I’m dressed in a fresh white suit with red details in it along with my red bowtie of course, and Stella in a custom designed red dress looking like the next top model. We walking through the red carpet killing them folks. Mom busts open my door one day interrupting my thoughts. “Sheem you got to get a job you can’t keep lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself.” She said.

“I’m going back to school next semester.” I told her. When I get my refund for financial aid that will be all the money I need. I can get out of here and back in Statesboro, or so I thought. When august rolled around I discovered I was on academic probation. Meaning I could go to school but I wasn’t getting no refund. Mom gave me like twenty dollars for the whole week, I would go to Statesboro and stay at my friend’s apartment on the couch and attend school. I ate very little and would carpool with my boy to school. College was harder than ever that semester, the professor would be giving a lecture and the students would jot down notes.

Not me I was too busy thinking about were my next meal would come from. I wished college was like high school were lunch was served at noon everyday all day and always free. Some days I got by eating only a bag of chips and a drink. When my stomach decided that wasn’t enough I had a choice to make. Go back to Screven and eat a home cooked meal because mom usually cooked every night. Only problem with that is I wouldn’t have enough gas to get back in the boro and attend school for the rest of that week. I was way to prideful to let my boy know I was starving, he already fed me a couple of times and I couldn’t keep taking from him so I went back to Screven.

I failed that semester horribly, only barely passing world literature and public speaking. I was back in my room playing the game. Mom came in one day and said she was moving out, she could no longer pay the rent there and was going to stay in grandma’s house in hiltonia. I really didn’t want to move there but had no choice. Yvette was anti Sheem and whatever she said dad went along with it like a little b***h. The last night I stayed in countryside I was all alone. The power was out so I couldn’t play the game and it was cold so I snuggled up under the covers. Looking up at the ceiling thinking of better times.

I lost my virginity in this house. I laughed at the irony of it because the power was off that time to. It was after the Basketball game I came back here with her to get something can’t remember what. She stood there in front of me and began kissing me. Her lips were so soft and tinder. I went to the bathroom and when I came back to resume kissing, I felt her naked body on mine. My dick immediately stood up, she asked if I had a condom and luckily I did otherwise I would’ve tried very hard to hit it raw. I wrapped my arms around her waist and laid her down gently on the bed kissing her the whole time. Her lips were like heroin to mine. I slid my dick in slowly, she gasped when I did. She began moaning it was a wonderful sound. I never told her I was a virgin, she assumed I wasn’t. I told myself if we ever made love I would whisper in her ear that it was my first time as well. That’s exactly what I did then we made sweat love.

Thoughts from the boy II

The Feeling is like drowning at the bottom of the ocean. The voices, I can still hear them but their distant. It’s like listening to someone talk through a wall. I can’t quite make out what they’re saying, but the base in their voice is so clear, mean things. Their saying very mean things. I’m stuck in the dark with no way out. I’m trapped in this house with, monsters walking around. While I’m present they say nothing, while I’m away their words strike my heart, stabbing it repeatedly. The words I make out are about me. Its insults! Deep dark harsh words that I never heard before. This conversation I can barely make out. Is addressing a problem that I am having? I’m gonna move closer and get a better listen. At the edge of the void I heard very little. Mummers not those harsh words I heard before. I’m very positive their hurting me though. I’m going to catch them. When I’m close to the void my heart goes steady. The stings stop while I listen. Nothing yet. Things seem to go good at times. Then something will happen to bring me back to reality. I’m fighting this pain with everything I got. My family they know my condition. They know somethings wrong. Do they talk to me? Try to help or figure out what wrong? No! instead they just watch me, like I’m a lab rat in a maze trying to find my way to the cheese, except the cheese has been taken out and only the scent remands. While they say nothing to my face. They tear me to shreds behind my back. Saying all the things I already know is going on. I made a mistake today I cracked. It came out of thin air, my brain shut off or rather I just stopped using it, when he asked for my lighter. I somehow knew what it was for. Not at first. Three minutes had dawned on me. Before my psychic brain sensors told me that Shawn was smoking the ganja outside and your invitation to come was when he asked for the lighter. I stepped outside and sure enough he was sitting under the tree with a blunt in his hand. I slid a chair beside him and just like that a mistake was made, but I won’t lose sight. The pain is almost unbearable at times and I often drink until I’m out of it. I feel as if I have no one or rather no one cares. They talk about my problems behind my back instead of talking to me. They don’t know the pain I feel. They don’t know what I go through. I don’t believe they care. What is a family for? Even knowing this, and even though I’m not in school and have no job. I will not lose sight praying to god and Jesus helps. They will see me through. I have been in the void for far too long. It’s time to get out.

It was when I moved to Hiltonia that I finally realized had lost my way. I had a job at Claxton poultry and it was by far the worst job I ever had. First, I had to drive and hour and forty-five minutes from hiltonia to Claxton. When I get their the stench of dead chickens made my nose wrinkle. Second, I had to put on several pieces of equipment before I could enter the plant, lab coat, smocks, boots, gloves, earplugs, hairnet and a gray hard hat which I wrote “I do my best” on the back with a blue marker. This usually made me late, only job I ever had were you can be in the building and still be late if you’re not on the floor. Third, my job was hanging cold dead chickens on a rack. That fell off a Conveyor belt sliding on a hard-black table in front of me. The job seemed simple when the Manager showed me what I was going to be doing on a video screen. Thing was he failed to mention how cold the chickens were. After about five minutes of hanging the dead birds, my hands began to burn. Like they were on fire the gloves didn’t help for s**t, no matter how many of them I put on. The cold would eventually seep through the latex and freeze my hands. I asked the guy next to me what can I do to keep my hands from freezing and he said “Nothing... just keep hanging the chickens and eventually your hands will go numb and you won’t feel the burn anymore.”

I wanted to quit so badly but I couldn’t. To keep myself from losing it I would smoke weed to and from work every day and bump young thug loudly in the car. I already built up a reputation for getting fired and quitting jobs. I worked in savannah at a construction site for two weeks before I got fired for taking a break in my car were the A.C was at. The man walked up to me all casual like and said, “Were have you been?” Before I could even answer he shook his head and said. “We don’t need you no more.” Which hurt like f**k because I was working hard up till that point. It was like 100 degrees outside and I was banging a pipe in the ground. I didn’t think taking a little break would cost me my job. My dad always called making it worst. “Damn son you can’t keep a job. What’s wrong with you?” I would sigh and say. “I don’t know dad I just can’t get right.” Then he says. “call me when you got another job and son... try to keep the next one.”

“F**k you dad! I can do bad all by myself I don’t need you calling me saying negative s**t.” I would say once he hung up. It was around the third or fourth month in Claxton when tragedy stuck yet again. On the way to work my tire bust and I was on the side of the road. I had already bucked on them folks a couple of times. Missing today would mean termination. Luckily, I didn’t have to sit long in the heat. My cousin Keshaun just so happened to be driving by and saw me. He pulled over and together we changed my tire and put a donut on it. By the time we were done I was already late for work. I crank up the car and just sat there for a while. I looked at my fish piece Jesus necklace that I had found long ago on a couch at my dad’s house. It dangled on my rearview mirror next to my black cross necklace that I had since middle school. I stared at The X mark I engraved in it for when me and Stella went our separate ways.

I promised myself I would not text or call her ever again. She probably in another relationship by now, because she so damn fine and I doubt she gone turn down every n***a that tries to holler at her. I had a lot of anger in my heart for her the way she left me like that, but I still wished no ill will upon her. If she is in a relationship I hope it’s with the right n***a and not some dog because most of them are just that. Especially my n****s, Tevin did it so good. He could be in a whole relationship with a girl cheating on her a*s the whole time and she never know about it. My n****s often got on my head about not f*****g a lot of hoes. “Just f**k em sheem. You aint got to love them just get your rocks off.” They would say. I nod my head and agree with them but I really didn’t mean it. My problem was I made love before I fucked. My n****s fucked but never made love. I Kissed my Jesus piece Necklace and drove towards hiltonia. F**k Claxton I will find another job.

The boys dream

Last night I had many dreams. There was one that stuck out above the others. I was sound asleep in bed when the door was knocked down. Mom came in yelling for me to get up. What was odd just before she broke the down the already broken door. The door was only hinged at the bottom meaning I would have to pick it up and slide it in the top hinge and I never got around to fixing it. Me being broke and all. So anyway, just before mom pushed my door down. I was awake but for some reason could not move my body, I laid stuck in bed. Then I heard her coming and boom! “Rasheem get your lazy a*s up and get dressed.” Now my body gives me back control. There is someone else in my room I never seen before. It was a man he was wearing a white button up with a black tie and some black pants. I started getting dressed and for some reason she was yelling at me like a lot. I don’t remember what for, where in the living room just us three and mom is still yelling. Then the other guy starts to raise his voice. Mom said he was my older cousin or maybe she said he was an advisor. She said he could help me. Then I thought wow your finally gonna stop observing, your finally gonna stop talking bad things about your son. Your finally gonna give a damn whether he lives or dies. Then it got crazy. I’m the type of person that can’t take being yelled at. Not for too long at high frequency’s. Frequency level got a little too high. Why are you yelling at me! I said. Stop it! Who is this guy? What do you think is wrong? Mom sat in the couch now. Looking at me with a very serious expression on her face. “Your gay son!” Her words stun me. Gay? What makes you think I’m gay?” “you haven’t had sex with anyone but Corinne. In the past two years. “Now at this point I should’ve realized it was a dream but I didn’t and she was coming out the gate hard. Mom I had sex with other girls! Mom shakes her head your lying! I’m right in mom face now I don’t know how she know I only slept with Corinne, but I’m determined to make her think otherwise. I start naming girls I have talked to after her. No, I didn’t sleep with any of them. It could never get serious. For some reason, the guy starts vouching for me and mom began to seem at ease. That’s basically it. What bothered me in the dream was when she called me gay. Just because no girls want to love me doesn’t mean I’m gay. It means I’m ugly, broke and very misfortunate.

After Claxton, I worked on Georgia southern campus as a dishwasher. This was my second easiest job. All I had to do was take dirty dishes off a tray as they passed by and spray them off then stack them on a cart beside me. The down side was they paid minimum wage and that wasn’t s**t. I had two goals at the time one was to save up enough money to buy an Xbox one. I had to sell my old Xbox when I was trying to go to school. I had no money and I was very hungry it hurt me to do it but I pawned my Xbox for $125.00. The first thing I did was by some McDonalds right after that. Defiantly was not a proud moment in my life. The second goal was to pass the Asvab so I could get into the army. I already had taken it twice and failed by one point the last time.

The math part was f*****g me up. Growing up I was good at math adding and subtracting wasn’t nothing to me. It was when they threw in letters with numbers that I couldn’t get jiggy with. No matter how hard I tried that algebra s**t just wasn’t clicking. When I wasn’t at work I spent half the day studying the math portion of the Asvab. If I don’t pass it this time it’s not the lords will for me to join the ranks of the military. I achieved my first goal by making payments on an Xbox one at GameStop. It took me two months, I was just in time for fallout 4. The greatest game ever made. When I picked up the Xbox from GameStop I stared at the box. The lady asked if there was something wrong. “No, I’m just so happy right now.” I told her.

It had been a whole year since I sold my Xbox and finally getting another one told me something. You get things you want by focusing on them and taking the necessary steps to achieve that goal. The Asvab was next up I finally started getting the hang of algebra thanks to this white lady on my phone showing me how to carry the one over and basically saying f**k that number just put it at the end of every number. I walked back in that Asvab testing area after my six months was up for failing the last time. Confident this time I would pass. I sat down zoomed through the reading and writing sections. Science and government slowed me down a bit. Then I paused when the math section popped up on the screen. I took deep breaths you got this sheem. Then I was done and back at the recruitment office waiting for my results.

The recruiter opened my envelope slow and dramatic. My eyes widened fingers twitching. “Aww you were so close you missed it by a point.” I started to slap the f**k out of my recruiter for telling me some s**t like that. After all the studied I did only to come up short again. I turned and stormed out of the office with no intentions of taking the Asvab again. I guess the military was not my path after all. The next day at work I was all bummed out working slowly. This girl I call Mrs. Red noticed that I was down. She asked what was wrong and I told her she said “I know what would make you feel better”.

I already knew what she was getting at, I caught her multiple times giving me the look since I been out here. So, I figured I would give just f*****g a try. I in fact haven’t had sex since Stella, and I was well over due. She invited me over to her place, she said food would be ready when I arrived. I left my friends place around ten I already told them what I had the intentions of doing. They dabbed me up and said about time, Mel even put a trojan condom in my pocket.

When I got there, she was waiting on me outside I gave her a hug and we walked in the house. At the table were two plates on them was steak and vegetables. She really went all out, I bit into the steak and it tasted like heaven. I talked very little while eating, she however was talking my head off. I stopped listening after a while. After we was done eating she led me into the living room turned off all the lights then turned to a t.v show called power. She asked if I ever watched it I shook my head no. All I watch really is anime my favorite being one piece but I didn’t tell her that.

She sat beside me wearing only a white tank top and green cheerleader shorts. For a while we didn’t do anything, just watched the show. Then she leaned her head on my shoulder and started rubbing my leg. I Felt obligated to do something after that so I grabbed her tits. They were round and perky not bad tits at all. Way bigger than Stella’s were, it wasn’t long before I was on top of her sucking on her tits. Then she said, “I want you inside off me.” She pulled my pants down and pulled me closer to her. She reached in my boxers and grabbed it. Then immediately let go and looked me in my eyes. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “Nothing I just need my dick sucked to get me started”. I said. Honestly though I didn’t know what was wrong.

I laid back in the couch and she started sucking my dick. Slow at first then hard and fast, slobbing and all. Nothing happened though she pulled on it even licked on my balls but Eddy would not come to life. I told her to stop, she laid back on the couch very confused. I felt bad. She wasn’t a bad looking girl at all. Light skin fat a*s My dick just wasn’t working for some reason. So, I ate her p***y it had no smell and was bald so I did that for her for about five minutes. She really wanted to f**k after that and tried desperately to get me aroused. I stopped her after awhile “it’s not gonna work”. I told her. I put my clothes on and left the house embarrassed.

The Boy

Rasheem young is a liar. He lies for no reason at all, about any little thing. You can ask him if he seen his mother lately he will say no. Knowing full well he just left from her house not five minute ago. He doesn’t necessarily lie on purpose. It’s just something he does. Like putting a DVD in a DVD player. Its going to play the DVD, no matter what, just like Rasheem will lie no matter what. He tries to stop but for him it’s as hard to stop as it is for a heroin addict to give up heroin. Like today for no reason at all. Rasheem told his dad that the reason he and Corinne broke up was because she had an abortion. He told him with a straight face. He even made himself look serious to make the story convincing. He told the same thing to his best friend. Rasheem lies to everyone, no one is off limits. Well a long time ago. Three years to be exact. There was one-person Rasheem did not lie to. He told her the truth about everything. There were somethings he kept in the dark to her. This is Rasheem I’m talking about and yes there were a few white lies he would tell in story form for entertainment, but for most of their time together, he told her nothing but the truth. Then in a year and a half they were over and just like everyone else she too would get the lies. There is more to Rasheem then the lies he tells. Rasheem is often sad, depressed even. There’re many reasons for this. One being that he is 21 not in school. Struggles to keep jobs, and has no clear idea of what to do with his future. When he was a kid more than anything he wanted to become an actor. He fell in love with it when he was in church performing Easter plays. He liked the fact that he didn’t have to be himself all the time. He enjoyed dressing up and becoming someone else. At home, he would watch lots of movies and fantasize himself being in one with his favorite actor Denzel Washington. Denzel would be playing as an old wise man and Rasheem would play the young fool. In his visions Raheem’s character would be troubled and struggling to cope with society. Then one day he would bump into Denzel’s character resulting in a great series of events that end with the boy’s life being changed forever, but these were just fantasies Now Rasheem is 21 going on 22 and he is still no closer to becoming an actor. Watching him he appears to be lost. He wakes up day after day doing the same things hoping that one-day things will somehow change. They don’t Rasheem has come to see the world like he’s never seen it before. Everything runs off money and Rasheem was broke. He is a very slow learner. In everything he does it takes him a while to fully understand it, but once he learns it. He is the master. Rasheem is also stuck on his ex. It has been three years and he has yet to move on. He tries by messaging girls online. Which always end with nothing happening. At night, he sleeps alone sometimes fantasying about women he would sleep with. He even goes far enough to envision the times he slept with his ex. After he is done masturbating Rasheem falls asleep.

Three years later

I was sitting on the couch smoking a blunt with my friend when I got the text. “I’m in town.” It read. I didn’t know think much at first. So, I told my friend who it was. Why she telling you that? He asked. I don’t know I said although I had a pretty good reason why she texts me that. A month or two ago, I told her if she was ever in town to let me know. I said that I would show her a good time. Of course, I didn’t think she would text me. Looking down at my phone it was defiantly her number. I never save it in my phone. I always delete it after we finish our conversation. I do this so I won’t end up texting her again. I don’t want to look desperate weak, or pathetic. If I keep her number in my pone I may end up texting her something I’m going to regret later. In the text, she wants to meet with me. I tell my friends this, O she wants to f**k bruh! I play along. Yeah, I’m a tear her a*s up! Do you mind if I use your room?” Naw go ahead bruh.” The convo goes on a little more about my ex before it switches to something that has us laughing for the rest of the night.

The next day I can’t wait to get from work. The bathrooms needed cleaning, but I was barely cleaning them. John and Robert barely comes in to check on me. They’re too busy riding around in their trucks or hovering over another employee back to see if there cleaning right, most of the employees they hired including me. Came from a temp agency. Some of them work hard, while others slack off behind their backs if john nor Robert is around. The slackers will be on their phones or just sitting around not doing nothing. Me being a slacker myself was just waiting for the day to be over. This was the day I was going to see Stella after three long years. Five o clock finally hits and I rush to my car. My other friend told me it was ok to borrow forty from him. I fucked up the money I had gambling and drinking and I don’t get paid until Friday. There was no way I was going to see her broke, for one I knew that I would be spending money.

She was talking about what we were going to eat. When I suggested burgers and fries. She sent the “lmao” and the laughing emojis. I knew then I would need at least forty to take her to a decent restaurant. Bro gave me the money no problem. I promised again to pay him back Friday. My other friend gave me the room for the day. My Ex does not know I still stay in Screven. How could I tell her that? Three long years and I’m still in Screven struggling to stay afloat. With this job, I got recently I had been staying at my friend’s house in the boro sleeping on the couch.

So, I told my ex I got my own place in the boro. I drove to my friend house to tidy up the room before my encounter. I turned on the shower and washed myself good. Then I borrowed some of my friend’s clothes. My clothes weren’t s**t! All I had was the stuff I wore to work. Brown shorts, with the brown shirt that reads “cleaning staff” on the back and the black shorts with the blue shirt also reading cleaning staff. A couple other shirts are stuffed in my bookbag but nothing presentable to wear for this occasion.

Of course, I asked bruh he did not mind. Although he didn’t know I meant the gold watch and the top hat as part of an outfit. Looking in the mirror I looked good in my friend clothes. The gold watch really topped everything off, and you can never go wrong with the polo. I was ready to go! She had already text me saying I’m in the boro let me know when you are ready to meet. Our convo lead me to Walmart. I sat waiting anxiously for ten minutes. It felt like ten hours my face was all sweaty. I had to keep wiping it off with the napkins looking around the parking lot I see no sign of her.

My phone buzzes, it’s her. “ were almost there.” It reads. “Yall must be coming from Florida, I reply. It was meant to be a joke. She texted back moments later with a “lol.” I slid my phone back in my pocket then closed my eyes. I thought back at the time we first made love. I was her first and she mine. The sex was so intimate. I placed her on the bed gently her panties were off already. She must’ve taken them off in the dark, when I went to the restroom. I came back and felt her smooth soft body. The phone rings breaking me from my day dream. I pick up “where out here.” She says

Music and chatter are heard in the background. “Meet me in the front of Walmart.” Her voice is still the same as I remember it. An old 1980s New York accent. I agree then pulled up at the front. I see no one at first. Then in a blink of an eye she appeared. Walking up to my car smiling. I unlocked the door she slid in as if picking her up was a daily routine. “Hello Deondre.” I smile it’s been a while since I heard her say that in person. “Hello Stella.” I return. She was so beautiful. How did I ever get her to like me? Her bright skin tone glimmered in the sunlight, her beautiful natural hair sat gently on her shoulders like a horses’ mane. I never told her this because she heard it every day, but her eyes were of a rare majestic creature that could be spotted by taking a plane trip to Africa during monsoon season and traveling to the deepest part of the tropical jungle wait for the full moon to appear then right there by the river bank standing on a rock drinking from the river bank you would see the creature with eyes like hers.

As I drove down the road nothing would come to mind for me to say, but I didn’t have to think of a thing. She chatted me up as soon as she got in the car. “So how have you been”? She asks. Smiling like a three-year-old who just got some ice-cream. “I’ve been good.” I lied. In fact, the past few years have been the worst years of my life. “that’s good I’ve been hanging in their myself” She replies. I start to say something but I pause, not sure if that question was to soon she did just get in the car. As I drive she talks about how things been going for her in Columbus. She talks about her apartment that she recently got. Her job that keeps her working those long hour shifts at chic fa la.

Then I couldn’t hold back my thought any longer. So, what was his name? I ask. Her smile fades she shakes her head. “why do you want to know his name?” She asks. Maybe it’s the fact that you gave it to somebody else besides me. When she told me about it two months ago on the phone. It stung my heart, even though we had been broken up three years now. I Felt closer to disappointment then sorrow. I thought she was different, I didn’t think another guy could come in after me and gain her trust then get her to undress. However, half of me deep down knew there was a possibility, we are young after all, and she did say her feelings for me were gone. So, it was only logical for her to give them to someone else.

“I just want to know his name.” “I’m not telling you his name.” She retorts. “It does not matter anyway he’s my ex now.” I breathe deeply, she’s still stubborn as ever. I can ask a hundred times and she still won’t tell me. I can see it on her face. We stop at ruby Tuesdays to get a bite to eat. She walks in front of me. Her a*s did get a lot bigger then I remember. It sat firmly in those tight blue jeans. As if reading my mind, she says. “my butt got bigger didn’t it.” “It sure did I make facial expressions exaggerating on how big her butt got, not sure if it were reflex or if I just wanted to do it, but I grabbed her butt on the way in.

After we sat down and ordered our food. I found myself staring at her. She was so stunning, obviously out of my league, but I somehow managed to get her anyway. “what!?” she says. I try and play it off. I entertain her with small talk, making little jokes here and there. Acting as if everything is all fine, and for a moment. It felt like we had picked up where we left off. The food came and we chowed down. In the mist of eating Stella waived a fork with her choice of lunch on it at in face. “Here taste this “she said. Why would she offer me a sample of her food of her fork like we were in a relationship? I hesitated but took a bite.

After dinner, we drove back to my friend’s house. Which in her mind was my house. She wanted to drive boasting that she knew how and that it was no thanks to me but her cousin. So, I let her drive. On the way, there we stopped by the store and I got some beers for us to drink with the last little l bit of money I had. I probably should’ve let her pay for her on meal that s**t taxed my a*s, but I was too caught up in my act to do that. She also mentioned that she smoked weed now. “You lil b***h!” All those times I tried to get you to smoke and you said no! Saying you would never do that. I don’t care if they legalize it and then your b***h a*s turn right around and smoke weed, with the next n***a to top it all off. What kind of game was this n***a spitting that made you say ok ill smoke with you. Even though I said I would never do it. When we got to my friend’s house I led her to Mel room and shut the door behind me. She kicked her shoes off and sat on the bed.

I sat beside her, she put her foot in my face and asked if they stink. Which I thought that was weird. She made me think about the time we first had sex. Her feet were in the air when I was giving it to her. They had a lil funk to them nothing to major. So, I kept stroking, smelling them three years later they had no scent. I offered her some weed since I never seen her smoke before and I found it hard to believe she partake in that activity. She accepted so I grabbed the pipe and she took a hit. She blew the smoke out smiling in my face. “You f*****g b***h!” She laid down in the bed and I laid beside her.

For a while we just laid there. Then suddenly, she grabbed my chin leaned in close and kissed me. “ I missed your lips.” She said. Her action stunned me for a moment. Intimacy I remembered what it felt like. This whole time it was just me. Only me, no one else. I laid there for a moment then found myself becoming aroused. I began feeling on her, for the most part she let me. I even pulled her shirt up and began sucking on Billy and bob like the good ole days. She was resistant at first but I eventually convinced her to take her pants and panties off. I knew then that we were about to have sex.

I played with sally for a little bit, then I heard those magical words. “Do you have a condom?” I sprung out the bed like a jack in the box.” Grabbed a condom then began to put it on. I saw her looking at me so I told her to look away. She smacked her teeth and said, “You still act like that?” I Forget for a moment that I was not her only one but another came in after me. I get on top of her and eddy slides right on in. Someone else defiantly was inside sally. I began stroking hard. She moved her hips in rhythm with my strokes. She has had some experience, I even see her rubbing on sally making it wetter. She painted silently to herself. Saying “Kill it, Kill it in a soft whisper.

That’s when eddy decided to die on me. Right there as I was thrusting. I felt him getting softer and smaller. I tried stroking harder but it was no use. Eddy was done with her. It just wasn’t the same. How could she? How could she go away and give sally to someone else? It’s not even sally anymore it’s just a p***y. A p***y that another n***a got in and fucked. Why do I even care? It’s not like she’s my girl anymore? I felt a great pain in my heart. Part of me wanted to die and become someone else, someone with no feelings. An emotionless man that could f**k b*****s and leave them the very next day.

Another part of me was disappointed deep down I wanted her to wait on me. Deep down I had hoped she still loved me and would wait on me to get myself together. For these are the words that I was waiting for you to say one-day Stella. “Rasheem I will love you always. I see you for who you are, and no matter what troubles may come our way. We will face them together. I am yours and you are mine. If you fall I will pick you up. If you are hungry I will feed you. If you go blind I will give you one of my eyes so that you can see. If you go deaf I will give one of my ears so that you can hear. If you lose your legs I will walk for you. If you are lost, I will be your light and guide you back on the right path, Because I love you Rasheem Young.”

After that sorry excuse for sex. I drove Stella back home. In the car, I saw a tear roll down her eye. I asked what was wrong. She brushed it off saying that she was tired. Which I thought was odd. I never seen her cry because she was tired before. On the way, I stopped by the store to get gas. I burned out those forty dollars tone had given me, but couldn’t let Stella know I was broke. So, I turned her attention on my face. Then on some Slicksheem s**t I slid my wallet out my back pocket with my left hand and tossed it on the corner of the floor.

Then I acted like I forgot my wallet. I found it after she pumped the gas. We see Stephan at the store and joke with him for a little. I tossed a condom I had in my pocket on the floor at our feet. Stephan got a good laugh out of it. I did it to spite Stella. Saying “yeah b***h I actually had another condom I could’ve put on, but I wanted to see if you would still let me hit it raw. Which you did. I found myself not caring anymore after that. On the way to her house I kept asking questions about that other n***a.

I wanted to know his name so I could look him up and see the face of the guy that got Stella to do whatever he wanted. She was a stubborn f****r however and I eventually let it go. When we arrived, she stepped out and I got out as well. Even after all that I still wanted to give her a hug and kiss, but I just gave her a hug. I spoke with her mom a little bit and she asked me how my lady friends were doing. As if I had any. “there fine.” I said. I got back in my car and sat still for a moment. Looking at my Jesus fish necklace. I had a sudden urge to snatch it off the rear-view mirror and throw it away. Instead I kissed it then crank my car up and drove away.

Let Go

If I was on my s**t, Then I still would have had her, but I didn’t have anything. I was struggling to pay rent, mom won’t help dad won’t help. Sorry son, were broke just like you! You must do what you can your grown! That’s when I realized I was alone. Then everything collapsed around me. My girl left me, I got evicted and had to move back in with mom, and there I stayed ever since. Unable to escape the clenches on my fate. Almost three years have passed and nothing has changed. No matter what I do, no matter what I try nothing seems to get me out of here. When I sleep sometimes my eyes are open but I can’t move. It’s a weird but normal event of mine. Through it all I keep my head up! And I never lose trust in god. Things are hard now, but he will see me through.

I’m going to be back up soon I can feel it. Cash coming in steadily now and I’m well on my way to getting my apartment. I must keep my promise with god and Jesus to finish my novel. Also, I’m going to get back in school and study film. I know now what I want to do. It’s to one day become a Director and write then shoot my own films. I’m gonna make it happen.

Also, once you are up and comfortable there are some things we must say to Stella. In the past, every encounter you had with her on the phone or on twitter you kept it short and always acted like you weren’t bothered. It’s time to come clean so you can move on with your life. First confess your love for her. Let her know that there wasn’t one day that went by were you hadn’t thought about her. Wishing her well hoping everything is ok although you refused to text or call her first.

Second ask her why she left you. Although I have a pretty good idea. Me having low self-esteem and all. She probably began to think of me as a pathetic excuse for a man. Get the confirmation from her.

Third and final question. Well it’s not really a question more like a statement. Tell her how you really felt when she left you all alone and got in a relationship with another n***a only to be fucked over. Yo ole stupid a*s! Relationships take time you know that. Get to know the n***a and see how he move first. See who he hangs out with. Can you trust him? Don’t believe every little thing they tell you because n****s be lying. I know I’m one of them, I just didn’t lie to deceive I lied to hide things I was embarrassed to say about myself. I lied so much that I started believing them. Look how long we been talking before we even got together. You were genuine and patient, taking the time to get to know me. You even acted as silly as I did. That was one I fell in love with you.

After you tell her these things your mind and body will finally be free. You can go back out there and pursue your dreams. Hopefully you will find the right one on your path. All the things you have been through has made you numb to pain. I can’t remember the last time I felt any emotion when someone says something negative about me. Its literary just words to me, I have become like my grandfather. You can dig down in your brain all the way to the darkest s**t and say it to me with all intentions to inflict pain emotionally. I won’t bat an eye lash. For I am Rasheem Young! The boy who couldn’t swim.