Who Knew Such Hate?

A Poem by Robert A. Pacheco

This is a somewhat first-person poem I've decided to write. It's a new style I'm trying. I hope you all will enjoy this.

Standing here, watching him,

Drawing my blade, as the light is dim.

I close my eyes, speaking a silent prayer,

He stands, watching, not striking, being fair.

His blade has already been drawn, his long dark hair covering his face.

I look into his dark, twisted eyes, then suddenly my heart starts to race.

He strikes at me, I parry and counter,

He doesn't know, I've finally found her

What I've been searching for, the answer.

In order to get to what I need,

I must fight, and get to it with great speed.

No matter the cost that I will have to pay,

No matter the pain that covers me, on my way.

Instead of running away, I stand my ground.

My enemy's eyes flash, while he wears a frown.

I grin lightly, evermore,

He strikes again, but this time I end up on the floor.

The truth I seek no longer exists.

My mind confused, filled with mist.

Striking out again and again,

He stings my body with my rapier twice, and then,

Everything goes black......... I'm no longer apart of men.

You see, the blade cut's both ways.

I was bitten not once, but twice, by my own blade.

© 2008 Robert A. Pacheco

Author's Note

My real muse of this poem was simply that I was fighting myself, a battle with myself, seeking real truth, answers that I hold within my mind, subconsiously. Though, it didn't come out the way I had hoped. In the end, I'll be making changes on it. I'll be more than happy to take your CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM. I'd appreciate your feedback.
Thank you,
~Rob

My Review

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Reviews

I truly like the idea of this piece, in that we as humans are constantly struggling with ourselves most of the time, and it could be argued that that is the reason why there is so much strife in society today. Even though I know that specifically is not the point you're arguing, you do raise interesting questions regarding the inner human condition, which is wonderful.

Sadly, I have to say that I only came to that conclusion from reading the last two lines of this piece. I see this idea nowhere else in the piece at all (originally, I thought it was about a sparring match or swordfight). Because of that, the poem loses a lot of impact value, and doesn't make the reader think as much as they should or may want to.

The traditional perfect end rhyme scheme of AABB doesn't help get your point across either. Throughout most of the poem, I felt as if most of the rhymes were forced out of you, and weren't unique to the poem or yourself. There are times (and I have been guilty of this myself) where such a style is fitting to what you want the reader to endure. For instance, with your illusions to swordplay, there are strict rules that must be followed with careful precision if you're to survive or win the match. Sadly, while you play with the idea of a swordfight, you don't connect it to your idea that we are the cause of our own problems, which therefore, once again, loses a lot of impact value.

Most notably, in the second stanza, it seems a bit too "wordy" (for lack of a better word). There is nothing wrong with this should you choose to pursue longer lines within the stanzas, but you don't, which in turn makes the reading of the second stanza and some following stanzas a bit choppy. It looses the lyrical sense that a poem is meant to have; that's what distinguishes a poem apart from prose after all.

As I said before, the greatest part of this poem is the last two lines and the overall image you're trying to convey: it's strong, passionate, and daring, to a point where a reader may have to sit back in their chair and take a breather after reading it. Even though the topic itself is strong and forceful, have fun with it; experiment with the ways you can relay the underlying overtones that you wish your reader to feel. It'll hit the reader much harder if they not only understand what you're really trying to say, but if you say it in a way that has never been done before and in a way that they wouldn't expect.

Posted 16 Years Ago

Sadly, I have to say that I only came to that conclusion from reading the last two lines of this piece.  I see this idea nowhere else in the piece at all (originally, I thought it was about a sparring match or swordfight).  Because of that, the poem loses a lot of impact value, and doesn't make the reader think as much as they should or may want to.

The traditional perfect end rhyme scheme of AABB doesn't help get your point across either.  Throughout most of the poem, I felt as if most of the rhymes were forced out of you, and weren't unique to the poem or yourself.  There are times (and I have been guilty of this myself) where such a style is fitting to what you want the reader to endure.  For instance, with your illusions to swordplay, there are strict rules that must be followed with careful precision if you're to survive or win the match.  Sadly, while you play with the idea of a swordfight, you don't connect it to your idea that we are the cause of our own problems, which therefore, once again, loses a lot of impact value.

Most notably, in the second stanza, it seems a bit too "wordy" (for lack of a better word).  There is nothing wrong with this should you choose to pursue longer lines within the stanzas, but you don't, which in turn makes the reading of the second stanza and some following stanzas a bit choppy.  It looses the lyrical sense that a poem is meant to have; that's what distinguishes a poem apart from prose after all.

As I said before, the greatest part of this poem is the last two lines and the overall image you're trying to convey: it's strong, passionate, and daring, to a point where a reader may have to sit back in their chair and take a breather after reading it.  Even though the topic itself is strong and forceful, have fun with it; experiment with the ways you can relay the underlying overtones that you wish your reader to feel.  It'll hit the reader much harder if they not only understand what you're really trying to say, but if you say it in a way that has never been done before and in a way that they wouldn't expect.

Rating /100