Finding Ones Hat

Finding one’s misplaced hat can be as taxing as well, finding one’s misplaced hat. The easiest remedy in any misadventure is a survival guide. A set of rules governing behaviour which will procure a resolution. Knowing what steps to take will leave you one step ahead.


1. Wake up in a pissy mood. This may sound easy, but careful thought should be given to insure the fact that you have done all you can do to destroy a perfectly good week.


Make sure you haven’t slept properly for several days. You can do this by reading a periodical you disagree with entirely. I recommend the Daily Standard.


Other things you can do include not trying the clothing on you purchase at the store. Your mother always told you, but you never listened. Now you are left with this god damn pair of pants that sinks below your hips and you know you will never get around to returning them, and even if you do, you will have to deal with some dumbfuck store clerk who will offer you a store credit. You know you will walk through the aisles, find the same pair of pants in a different size, get them home, and they will fall off your goddamn hips just like the pair you returned.


*Listen to Celine Dion while you are making an honest attempt at slumber. This should render itself sufficient to destroy anything happy remaining in your soul.


Lay around and think of people who piss you off. This could be anyone from your role models, who are so good at what they do it just makes you grit your teeth, to that annoying lady you see walking down the street every day who wears the f*****g plastic hair net thing as if it is forever cloudy with a chance of f*****g downpour.


2. Lose your hat. This may sound like the most important step, but it is much easier to do while you are in a sufficiently pissed off mood, hence it is step number two.


If you did a good job of denying yourself sleep, chances are this will be a little easier in your disheveled s**t hole apartment.


Some things you can try are throwing your hat clumsily on the floor or into a pile of dirty laundry. Wearing your hat to bed is often a good way to lose the item as well as make it difficult to recover.


3. Well, you’re pissed off. You can’t get that f*****g Celine Dion song out of your head. You keep picturing some f*****g movie scene and hearing the words, “I am king of the world,” in your head. You are on the brink. Losing your hat should just about push you over the edge to Bat S**t Crazy. It’s time to start looking for your hat.


4. Do a half assed once over the room. When you discover your hat is not jumping out at you, clench your teeth and make some frustrated sounds. Be sure to act as if it is the end of the world, but also be sure that you are going to pretend for yourself because no one else is watching, that you don’t really give a s**t enough to look for it. Sit down like you don’t care and let your eyes scan the room.


5. Update your Facebook status to annoyed. When people start commenting and asking you why, refuse to respond. This will keep them asking again and again, and will drive you to an even more frenzied rage.


6. Call your ex-girlfriend and start some s**t with her about things that happened in the past and don’t even matter any more. Make sure they are things you don’t even care about and that have left your mind entirely until just this moment. This will catch her off guard, piss her off, and she will yell at you, but it is an essential step, so don’t miss it. If you don’t have an ex-girlfriend, any family member will do. *Make some s**t up if you have to.


7. Don’t do jack s**t about it until you find that you need the hat. Some people may find this difficult to do, but your elevated mood should make things easier. This is why it is so important to follow the steps with one hundred percent accuracy. You don’t want to find yourself doubling back for no reason.


8. When you find that you need the hat, start rummaging through clothing piles where you know the hat could not possibly be. The universe has rules, and the hat can only be in a place you put it, and the hat did not violate the rules of the universe; however, leave no stone left unturned. This will be especially important if you want to make it easier to lose your hat again in the future, and will also help you twist yourself into a mood from which only recovering your missing hat could fix.


9. Threaten the neighbors. Pepper some insults with some threats. *Be sure to do this from your porch. This will give you ample time to run away if they actually decide to confront you.


Tell them that if you don’t find your f*****g hat you are going to tear up their yard or murder their animals that piss you off but you never thought to take the time to discuss cordially with them.


10. This is the most important step. Give up. Realize that your f*****g life sucks, nothing good ever happens to you, you are cursed, and that God himself is responsible for making your life Hell on Earth. Place your hands on your head in disgust. Lay down in bed.


If you followed all the steps exactly as laid out, you will be struck with divine inspiration. Your pissed off, angry, hate the world brain will be able to function well enough to remember that you placed your hat in the one place you hadn’t looked, beneath your jacket.


Enjoy the rest of the day. Maybe eat some saltines or just lick the salt off of them and discard the crackers at your leisure. You’ve earned it. Don’t answer you phone or door. There are going to be some pissed off people. Maybe they won’t recognize you wearing your hat the next time you meet in the street

Reviews

[Aura]

Wow! Now I know exactly what to do to find a hat. I didn't know we had to lose our hat to find it ;) This... i must say is a funny sarcastic read... definitely more funny!! Gave me a chuckle, thanks for sharing!

[Ranger Kessel]

Thank you for the review

[Dave Brown]

Super valuable info
I have printed it off to add to my instructions on how to tie shoe laces with one two fingered hand
Most people don't realize the valuable of these sorts of things

[Ranger Kessel]

Haha thanks for the review