In Jail For The Holidays

I was so angry that I wanted to give my wife a slap.
She went to the mall and a baby was kidnapped.
She kidnapped the baby because we couldn't have one of our own.

I didn't know she'd do it, I would've tried to stop her if I had known.

I had no choice but to call the police and turn her in.

She was arrested and she's in jail because of her sin.

I didn't know what she was capable of when we got hitched.

I didn't want to be an accessory to kidnapping so I snitched.

Christmas is nearly here and she'll be in jail for the holidays.

She committed a horrible crime and now she will have to pay.

It was very painful to turn my own wife in, I didn't want to do it.

But she shouldn't have kidnapped that baby, she really blew it.

The rightful parents got their baby back and their Christmas won't be ruined after all.

But they hate my wife because she kidnapped their baby when she went to the mall.

She will rot in prison for twenty years for committing a crime that was so bad.

I can't afford the bail money, she will be in jail for the holidays and that is sad.

Reviews

[JayG]

Unfortunately, dropping a rhyme at the end of each line in a series of declarative sentences doesn't turn it into a poem, because the rhyme isn't the purpose of structured poetry. It's only an accent.

Basically, you've taken a essay, broken it into individual sentences, and then forced the line to the needs of the rhyme.

But look at it from the viewpoint of a reader, who has only the context you supply.

• I was so angry that I wanted to give my wife a slap.

So an unknown person is angry. for unknown reasons, And because of that wants to hit his wife. Who cares how a stranger we know nothing about feels? Perhaps, were the reader to know WHY this person was angry, as they read—as you do—they might. But you've placed effect before cause, and that can't work.

Yes, in the next line you explain, after the fact. But is there a second first-impression?

• She went to the mall and a baby was kidnapped.

Based on what you just said, she didn't do the kidnapping. It just happened while she was there.

But...because you needed a rhyme, you couldn't say, "she kidnapped a baby." And because you shaped the line to the needs of the rhyme, you changed the meaning. Sure, for you, who know the "situation" it makes perfect sense. But to the reader? No.

There's a LOT to writing poetry that's not obvious. And we learn none of the necessary techniques in our school-days. But...since you have context before you begin reading, it's something you'll not notice.

But missing those skills, your poetry is rhymed couplets, with no stanzas, and no attention paid to prosody, which is why you've not gotten the number of favorable comments you might like. And of more importance, it's not a matter of how well you write, or, talent. So it's fixable. Add a few of the tricks the pros take for granted, and...

I strongly suggest you take a look at the excerpt, on Amazon, for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. What he has to say about the slow of words, and prosody will open windows you didn't know existed.

Then, head over to the Shmoop site. Once there, select Student, then Poetry.They have lots of brilliant work, analyzed in great detail, to show why, and how they work so well.

It won't make a great poet of you, but like the proverbial chicken soup for a cold, it might not help. but it sure can't hurt.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/