Let's Make God Rejoice

Every time we make a good choice,

it makes Jehovah God rejoice.

When we're honest and kind and do other good things,

Jehovah God is very happy, rejoice is what it brings.

When we avoid sinning, it makes God rejoice and it makes Satan mad.

Everybody should make Satan angry because that will make God glad. 

Reviews

[Jonathan Lee]

Like much of your other poetry--I think I've read a dozen pieces now--this poem has a number of issues...

You make consistent use of rhyme, but in a rather bland way. You have one line, and then the line immediately following it rhymes with it. Then you go on to a new line, and do the same. There's no intermediate lines. It's just one line rhyming with the next. This isn't necessarily terrible. It's just that after seeing it in every poem of yours I've read, it really starts to get old.

Your poems have no real rhythm. In this one you start out decently enough, with your first two lines 8 syllables each. However, your next sequential couplet has 12 syllables on one line and 15 on the next. You then move on to 17 syllables for the next couplet. There's no easily discernible relationship between the values mathematically, and thus no real rhythm is effected.

On the whole, your poems sound more like free style rap than thoughtfully composed verse. Of course, even then some of the more skilled free style rappers still manage to maintain a modicum of rhythm, which makes their prowess for ad libbing all the more notable. Here it seems you felt it was enough to simply rhyme.

Your poetry could also benefit by greater use of other literary devices. As with establishing some rhythm, your works might be more pleasing to the ear with the skilful application of assonance and alliteration. You would also do well to employ similes and metaphors. Presently, your poetry is all rather literal and concrete.

All in all, your writing comes across as didactic rhymes for children or simpletons. There's no layered meanings, symbolism, or any other aspect of abstraction that might give anyone room for contemplation. It's simple, but not sweet.

Using this particular poem as an example, I might rewrite it thusly:

Every time we make good choices,
Jehovah God's good heart rejoices.
Like golden honey dripping sweet
are honest words one longs to eat.
The way of life that Truth has shown
is paved with pearl and golden stone.
'Tween two roads now of sin and grace:
In which way will your tongue's foot place?

Here I've narrowed the scope to the single theme of honest speech, but I've tried to expand upon this image through metaphor and allusion. The "golden" honey image of sweet words alludes to passages in scripture such as Psalm 119:103, and at the same time I then reuse the word in a new context, tying it to the "golden" roads of the New Jerusalem in Revelation 21:21. This connection is made clear (hopefully) with the reference to "pearl." Literally the pearls in Revelation are the gates, rather than the roads, but I took some poetic license for simplicity and in order to effect alliteration (between "pearl" and "paved"). Tying back to the second couplet's image of taste, I end the poem in the fourth couplet by anthropomorphizing the tongue by giving it a foot (just as I did earlier by giving God a "heart"--albeit a common metaphor).

I've also worked to establish some rhythm by paying special attention to meter, utilizing iambic pentameter throughout. The simple couplet format you originally devised I retained to demonstrate how this could still work well enough (although you needn't rely on it as you seem to do in all your other poems).

I came about one of your poems by happenstance while browsing the main page and I was immediately intrigued as I have an interest in comparative religious study amongst other things, and I feel sacred scriptures and theological sentiment can be a rich quarry for mining themes and imagery for profound poetry. Accordingly, I applaud your choice in that regard. If you spend more time applying principles of form and composition and employ greater amounts of abstraction (such as the rich metaphors and symbolism throughout works like the Bible itself), I think your work would be a lot more interesting. For the moment, it just comes across as rather shallow and unimaginative.

Anyhow, that's just my two cents. Thanks for sharing.

[Jonathan Lee]

(Just as an addendum, I can't do it in the comments here really, but in the example poem I wrote above, I would likely italicize "two" to ensure the reader knows to place the emphasis there specifically--rather than, say, "roads"--in order to preserve the proper flow.)