As the rain kept lashing on the windshield and the storm roared outside I sat huddled inside the car staring out. The lightening flashes streaked the billowing clouds with fierce relentlessness. A shadow play of memories and sounds kept me engulfed. I don’t know whether it was exhilaration or strange shades of melancholy, whether I was enjoying this ride through the dark stormy night or simply overwhelmed by emotions that were too tangled to separate. Strangely experiences and emotions are difficult to categorize as happy or sad as they intermingle and blend into each other too much these days.
A strange sense of anticipation pervaded my being as the winds whistled and the thunders roared. I was mesmerized by the storm-tossed skies and the sound of rain. The deserted highway was peaceful bereft of traffic and pedestrians. Despite the howling storm, there was a certain stillness within. I leaned against the window and stretched my feet. I wrapped the saree around me and cuddled myself. I did not feel lonely. Music from the car stereo wafted in and the glasses were all tightly rolled up. Everything was so hazy behind the sheet of rains. The distant high-rises were just dark silhouettes and there were stretches of undulating wilderness with sparse sprinklings of habitation on both sides of the highway. Sometimes some neon signs were blinking in the rain. I just wanted to go on and on. This route was so familiar I thought as I stared at the coffee shop vaguely visible in the huge commercial hub at the turn before we glided onto the flyover. I remembered my coffee trysts. How I loved the glass walls of the coffee shop overlooking the stretch of the highway and staring into nowhere while I sipped the frothy latte. The car sped on and I seemed to have lost track of time.
Last time it was raining as well. The same storm-tossed skies, however, the storm raging inside was more unsettling than the menace outside that time. The storm had looked so spent and impotent then. I felt so numb ever since BG had called to convey the shock sounding equally dumbstruck himself.Why, what, how had kept tormenting me. I wasn't alone last time. That night my dearest cap clad friend whose presence is always so reassuring was driving the car. He kept trying to pep me up and boost my spirits. I felt so numb. How would I face her? What could I say? I wanted to just be there. "Just say that I am with you and no more". What else could I do? I felt so inadequate. The dear soul beside me eased me quite a bit and said we are going to be there for her and that’s that.
When we reached the airport there were other relatives waiting for her with strained faces. We managed to get into the airport though visitors were restricted then due the security measures around Independence Day. Later he made that an anecdote about how I had scared the frizzy haired dwarfish amoeba-like, weather-beaten emaciated airport manager and she had thought it wiser to let us in than risk me falling on her. I smiled despite myself. What a darling the pink pantherish friend is, he brings on a smile even when the heart is wrenched. We waited and she came out. She looked as though she had walked through a storm, not disheveled but tired and her eyes looked so blank. Yet her dignity and composure made me feel she will tide through this. She looked pale and strained and yet she came and acknowledged each one. Some wonderful friends had flown down with her cocooning her in their warmth, standing by her when her world seemed dismantled.We wanted to whisk her away, just drive off and let her sleep in peace. We managed finally. On our way back she told us how he had gone. Life had just been snuffed out and in a moment everything was topsy -turvy. That tall, humorous, energetic man who her life revolved around had left for office as usual but he never came home. In a matter of 2 hours, he just slipped away. They could not revive him despite the best efforts. A brilliant career, a wonderful life of togetherness, innumerable adventures, wanderlust, building a home together, everything just came to a grinding halt. That night she brought him back in a casket for the funeral. It was so unreal.
This night I was alone on my way to the airport. The dark skies rumbled on and the rain would not stop. I got off at the airport and went to the arrival lounge. I walked up to the coffee shop and bought myself a coffee. She was coming tonight. I waited and I smiled when I thought of the times we have spent together since somehow the bond has grown stronger baptized by grief. She is learning to fend for herself as I had read somewhere “courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to go on despite it” and we are learning too that life goes on. What is more important is that certain bonds are beyond mortality. He is there for her and will always be. I got engrossed in exchanging some text messages on my cell with another friend who was asking about her when I felt someone bending over me with a light tap on my shoulders. There she stood smiling at me. I got up and gave her a hug. My friend had arrived! We walked out of the airport together and got into the car. We sped away into the rainy night chattering away. Emotions are so mingled these days...
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