It was an ordinary day...

I wrote the first line and then just rambled on...

It was an ordinary day and she stretched herself awake. The sun streaked in through the window and made her blink. She tried to rub the residue of sleep away and clear her bleary vision. She stepped down from bed and reached out for her glass of lemon water. She gulped it down with distaste. Then she stood up and moved to the window. Her temples were still throbbing. Her eyes were puffed. She didn't want to think. So she just turned and walked into the rigmarole of her morning chores… the trip to the washroom, skipping breakfast, fumbling through the cupboard for something to wear. Then she stopped. She just slumped down on the bed like a crumpled heap of discarded clothes. She held on to her head as it seemed about to explode. Her cheeks were wet. She had been crying. She surprised herself...

 

 

The music was very loud and she was feeling claustrophobic. She wanted to get away. The sloshed men moved around, their predatory instincts gleaming through the garb of chivalry. Meaningless hollow conversations reverberated everywhere. She felt so stranded. She never had got accustomed to such gatherings. She walked out onto the porch and tried to gulp in the scented night air. There he stood in a corner smoking. She was about to turn and go back realizing that even this getaway was not possible. Suddenly she noticed that he was so different. He was looking rather stricken and lost. He turned around and they met. He gave her a wan smile and moved away into the dark. She could see him strolling in the garden. She sat down on the steps and began to watch him. He looked back and walked up to her. “Do you mind if I sit down?” he asked. “No” she said. He sat down. He offered her a cigarette.  She refused saying she did not smoke. He said…..she said…and they got talking.

 

Since then they spoke about any inane thing they wanted to, laughed together about things that others would not find amusing, He was so gifted. He sang for her and told her amusing stories and read out interesting things to her. She listened and every word he spoke was precious. He had the right answers to every question that arose in her mind. He reached out so selflessly. They both had these unrealized dreams they dreamt aloud with each other. Then they went out together, just pure camaraderie at the beginning. Then one evening after a long drive and a beautiful dinner they had shared, she moved on to become something more than a confidante or so she thought. This time he was not talking about the lost love of his life, this time he reached out to touch her and she blossomed. She had never felt like this before and yet she knew that he would move on one day. However it didn’t matter because she had been transformed by the magic wand. Now in those jaded gatherings she felt wafted away by his thoughts. He had touched her life and no matter how far he moved away she would never be the same. She would never be suffocated by her circumstances because she had another realm to live in and the loud giggling women had no access to that. Their gossip, flaunting their possessions, self-important proclamations about their prowess in home-making and childrearing, their fashion tips didn’t jar her senses any more as they were cocooned in his thoughts.

 

Then those days just flew by and she basked in the warmth of his attention. He always said that it meant a lot that she listened to him and she thought that listening to him was like listening to music.

Then he moved away. This was inevitable and she knew that it would happen. But he went away into his new world and he changed. He frowns and swears these days and that angelic smile has evaporated. He is busy looking for distraction in his leisure. He doesn’t sing with the same passion any more and only sometimes plays to the galleries. They don’t talk.

 

Last night, there she was out on the porch again, trying to let the sound of the loud hollow laughter inside fade away and she saw him again. He had changed a lot except for his eyes. He was talking to a lady and they sat and smoked together. When he saw her he asked her “how are you?” She said “I am ok, what about you” He answered… and she countered...but they didn’t talk. Did he listen? Did he care? He had forgotten to listen beyond words. The hollow “ok” was taken at face value. Then he moved towards that fragile beauty he had been talking to. As she watched him go, she realized she had been wrong. His eyes were not the same any more. They lacked the translucent hazel warmth, they were opaque. She went home sloshed.

 

When she awoke it was an ordinary day...

Reviews

[Helen Woodward]

Hi Raj, this is a very deep story and so true, people are never the same, things, places are never the same and whenever you try to go back to find what you had...it is either gone or undergone complete change.
You seem to jump from early morning to night...I'm not sure if that was deliberate, just thought I would mention it. I loved it for the honesty revealed.
Helen xx

[Helena]

Lovely story. Great imagery that drew me right into the mood of the story.
It had a pensive ambiance and reminded me somewhat of a short movie.

Well done! Thank you so much for submitting this to my Loneliness Contest.

Sorry for the delay in reviewing, but I've had so many entries!

~ Helena ~

[angelinmypocket]

A wonderful, sad write. The loneliness she felt was accentuated in every line. People do change. History repeats itself...in a different time, in a different place time and again. Well written for the theme of loneliness.
Love/Liz/angelinmypocket

[LSS]

Raj, if you permit the unfamiliarity,
This is an excellent short story. Without beginning and end, it does not belabor the content nor the flow of the story. It is very soft and tender, gentle in its passion, and for that, all the more intense.
Lar

[Floating on the feather..]

A story that unfolds the life of someone, which is nothing ordinary for her but perhaps the world sees nothing extraordinary about it. The pains of one is always bearable until its upon us.

The superficial ordinary mask is always capable of hiding extraordinary events of life.

The story reflects sadness thats is nothing but the ordinary pain that goes unnoticed everyday until someone like you writes it to make the pain pricking enough to be felt.

[bailish]

I love this. You have opened up her emotions through this entire experience. I felt as she felt. Excellent writing.

[Carole]

You are off to a great start on your first piece of fiction, Raj. I am anxious to see more of this type out of you. The fact that it flowed so easily, shows you are in a right vein for you.

I am thinking the story might have even more impact if you gave your characters names. Just something to think about... It would give your readers a little more substance to grab a hold of. You don't have to, but personally, I am dieing to know who she and he are?

I'd like to unpack this and see if I am on track?? Either, the gal had a hang over in the first paragraph and she was regressing to how she came to that point in the following paragraphs or she woke up, cried, and then left her place on the bed and went to a bar where she met the guy. I was kind of lost between the 1st and 2nd paragraph. Maybe that was a twist you purposely wove into the piece...but if not, please explain?

I'm not sure if you have edited yet, but I caught a couple of teeny typos: 2nd paragraph-Change
Meaning less to Meaningless. Same paragraph-She walked out on to (onto) the porch. 3rd para. change home making to homemaking. Same para. any more should be anymore. (I often get confused with the compound words as well as to if it is one word or two.) Just a little help editing.

This is a simply marvelous story for your first. When and if you add names, it will come alive and make it even more exciting. You have inspired me to venture out into the world of fiction. I am impressed with the many different genre's of writing that you have attempted from the many styles of poetry to non fiction and now a fiction piece. Shows your diversity.

A piece you can be proud of! (I'd love to see this work into a book!) Thank you for sharing. :-) Carole XO

[Robert Luna]

Sorry it took me a while to get to this I was a little back logged with request. This definitely worth the read as i felt myself entangled in the words as if you were read my own thoughts. That is always such an impressive thing to bare witness to, to have writer write something that feels as if it is a part of you being exposed upon the page. That in itself is a wonderful treat but to have it mingled with such a flowing power of visually clarity is breathtaking.


Great Job!!!!!!!!

[None]

Wonderful and very well written! Even though your story let me feel sadness, at the end I was hopeful that she would find a special love to take the place and laughter to erase the pain. I've always admired your writing style and this story really stands out with emotion and shows off your ability to write many types of stories.
I have copied two of your partial paragraphs here that show to me how she doesn't fit in with the everyday crowd and to me when he came along, she felt a wonderful connection. She is a special woman with intensity and emotion that craves real love and sees past superficial things in life. The way you describe events here captures me and I can relate in many ways. Your writing shows the loneliness that comes from being different and special. I don't think she would be happy living in a phony and prefers the pain to the alternatives....
"The music was very loud and she was feeling claustrophobic. She wanted to get away. The sloshed men moved around, their predatory instincts gleaming through the garb of chivalry. Meaning less hollow conversations reverberated everywhere. She felt so stranded. She never had got accustomed to such gatherings."
Then again here....
"She would never be suffocated by her circumstances because she had another realm to live in and the loud giggling women had no access to that. Their gossip, flaunting their possessions, self important proclamations about their prowess in home making and childrearing, their fashion tips didn't jar her senses any more as they were cocooned in his thoughts."

Your beginning and waking up brings to mind a song by ~The Beatles~ called "Another Day." You show what she experienced before him and without him. I feel your story could be expanded on even to make a great little book! You never know when that happy ending is going to show up. You have a true gift for writing and I would love to read more!! This is going to favorites, of course!

Wonderfully written and gentle piece. I like its subtlety in its start, and its calm tone. Yet in your tone carries such a deep message and change. It has a mellow feel throughout the imagery and words chosen, which makes it flow very well.

All your pieces are always wonderfully crafted, as you have mastered it really well. I always look forward to reading your pieces, and your marked evolution in bringing forth wonderful insights through simple stories remain astounding (quite like Haruki Murakami). I loved this piece.

Well crafted masterpiece

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is surely very deep and intriguing. Since I daily write a dairy entry so when I started reading it, I found the starting section much like a diary entry..Coz I guess it's very personal.
But this is really a very true piece of writing. You are a real talent..
Great work!