Paper boat

Just a piece of paper it was

Blank crumpled and never written upon

Just lying around in a no-notice- zone

A little boy came by

Fair curly hair and pink lips whistling a melody

He picked it up and smoothed it out

With his delicate fumbling fingers

Folded, shaped and caressed the paper

Lo and behold it was now a boat!

All ready to embark on a new journey

The boy set it afloat on the stream

Created little ripples with his gentle hands

And the boat was sailing

The boy watched from the shore and cheered on

The paper boat surged ahead

Sails billowing with new found zest and liberty

Basking in the attention of the brown haired boy

Watching him walking alongside with a little jig

The paper had found new shape and meaning

Then the boy heard his bright companions call

Before long he was whisked away

The wind blew harder

The paper was wet

The boat was about to sink

It looked around hoping the boy would fetch it out...

There was the boy playing merrily

The last conscious thought the boat had was…

Hope the boy doesn’t fall down and scrape his knee.

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Wulfstan Crumble]

Hello, I found your poem very interesting and wanted to give a review. The title was simple and attractive. It felt like it will be something different from a lot of other poems. It felt like it could be a slow melody, whimsical and full of quiet beauty in its imagery. I was not disappointed. Overall it was very enjoyable. I'll give a few comments on the lines now:

Blank(,) crumpled and never written upon - You have a repetition here... blank and never written on. Maybe replace blank with plain.

He picked it up and smoothened it out - maybe just smoothed as it smoothes out the sound.

All ready to embark on a new journey - the boat's first journey? OR perhaps the paper's journey.

The boy set it afloat on the stream - in the stream?

The boy watched from the shore and cheered on - cheered it on.


Sails billowing with new found meaning and liberty

The paper had found new shape and meaning - we have a repetition of meaning here, maybe you can find a different word to keep the variation on.

That was a good poem. I like how the boat cares more for the boy's safety rather than its own. Its also a bit telling that the boy does not return the boat's love and attention. My only other advice apart from those lil comments above is to work on some punctuation for the piece so that we know how it flows and runs.

Nice work.

[An Ordinary Woman]

This has wonderful imagery, very nice and thought provoking ... I enjoyed it.

[Raef C. Boylan]

Selfless thoughts of an inanimate object, like the ball of wool in your Kitten poem. I like how you do this, seems you are really pressing forward a message and I hope I am receiving. Is the painting yours, or was it merely the inspiration for this piece and you are crediting it thus?
I think I'd have liked this more if there was more use of imagery to convey events rather than description, but I don't think that's your style, and that's fine. You portray we humans as easily distracted and self-absorbed...and we are.

Good write.
Thanks for posting it.

[Mayukh Das]

beautiful thought....... beautiful way to say it too.....

1 thng v trivial though...... v trivial .... at sm places d line was a lil long ... such dat while reading i found dat d rythm
is breaking.

it may nt b like dat..... but i just felt it while reading..... :)

other than dat.... its beautiful... ma'm.... :)

[Kasey Klein]

Hello Candle in the Wind.

Thank you for the invitation to review this.

I read it three times before images opened to me.

Here's what this poem says to me:
A woman is nothing, crumble, contained, withheld, nothing 'written' on her -- valueless. Then having a child, she's opened up and spread out, folded in a new way, "ready to embark on a new journey." The child's life and attention is what gives her value.

"It sails billowing with new found meaning and liberty
Basking in the attention of the brown haired boy
Watching him walking alongside with a little jig
The paper had found new shape and meaning"

Even to death's door, her thought is: "Hope the boy doesn't fall down and scrape his knee."

Note: I'm not saying this is what the poem's about; I'm not saying you put this stuff in the poem.

I'm saying, this is what I found in the poem. It's what this poem means to me

[Lady Of Darkness]

I liked this little story behind the poem. It was really interesting to read. All he cared about was the paper boat lol. Great imagery and descriptions throughout this piece.

[Floating on the feather..]

Beautifully penned.
I like the characters, the innocent little boy and the poor forlorn paper boat and how the things unroll between them.

The inanimate boat gains a life with your benevolent words.
The imagery is very good.

[Phil Sanders]

What a beautiful piece of writing .. delightful .......

Phil

[E. M. Murren]

What a beautiful story. The metaphor is exquisitely expressed. It floats along like the boat on a stream playfully until the boat's final sacrifice. Just lovely.

[forfila]

I really like this, a selfless life of a "Paper Boat" is this not the way you would want to live in hind sight, looking at life as a continuum,,, I think you wrote this well, it felt like I read a long tale in a short time.

The gift of words is to be able to say so much in so few.

Excellent,
Love,
Me