Paper boat

Just a piece of paper it was

Blank crumpled and never written upon

Just lying around in a no-notice- zone

A little boy came by

Fair curly hair and pink lips whistling a melody

He picked it up and smoothed it out

With his delicate fumbling fingers

Folded, shaped and caressed the paper

Lo and behold it was now a boat!

All ready to embark on a new journey

The boy set it afloat on the stream

Created little ripples with his gentle hands

And the boat was sailing

The boy watched from the shore and cheered on

The paper boat surged ahead

Sails billowing with new found zest and liberty

Basking in the attention of the brown haired boy

Watching him walking alongside with a little jig

The paper had found new shape and meaning

Then the boy heard his bright companions call

Before long he was whisked away

The wind blew harder

The paper was wet

The boat was about to sink

It looked around hoping the boy would fetch it out...

There was the boy playing merrily

The last conscious thought the boat had was…

Hope the boy doesn’t fall down and scrape his knee.

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Wulfstan Crumble]

Hello, I found your poem very interesting and wanted to give a review. The title was simple and attractive. It felt like it will be something different from a lot of other poems. It felt like it could be a slow melody, whimsical and full of quiet beauty in its imagery. I was not disappointed. Overall it was very enjoyable. I'll give a few comments on the lines now:

Blank(,) crumpled and never written upon - You have a repetition here... blank and never written on. Maybe replace blank with plain.

He picked it up and smoothened it out - maybe just smoothed as it smoothes out the sound.

All ready to embark on a new journey - the boat's first journey? OR perhaps the paper's journey.

The boy set it afloat on the stream - in the stream?

The boy watched from the shore and cheered on - cheered it on.


Sails billowing with new found meaning and liberty

The paper had found new shape and meaning - we have a repetition of meaning here, maybe you can find a different word to keep the variation on.

That was a good poem. I like how the boat cares more for the boy's safety rather than its own. Its also a bit telling that the boy does not return the boat's love and attention. My only other advice apart from those lil comments above is to work on some punctuation for the piece so that we know how it flows and runs.

Nice work.

[Brenda Sue]

I love the imagery of this piece. Beautifully penned. Great job.

[[untitled]]

I love this, a boat that thinks...only you Raj...HA! It is a gorgeous little story where images so easily come to mind...once again your observation skills are paramount in giving so much to your reader...congrats!!
Grammar; try not to use got/get...eg; set to work with his........
Smoothened should e 'smoothed'...just for interest sake, what is a no notice zone?
Cheers,
Helen :-)

[Simmering embers]

This is going to be one of my favorites now...

[Clare]

I really, really liked this. It's one of those poems that takes on a new meaning each time you read it, and, in my opinion, that is what makes a poem truly wonderful. Very, very good!

[Shalini R]

theres beuty with pain here
i love the details you include:
"Created little ripples with his gentle hands"
"Got working with his delicate fumbling fingers
Folded, shaped and caressed the paper"

i really love this bittersweet piece

[An owl on the moon]

Absolutely beautiful poem. To give with no desire for anything in return is the fullness of surrender to love and peace.

[None]

A charming story containing beautiful imagery. Thoughts are flying and the meaning behind this can be translated in the mind in so many ways. I thought this to be of love--how someone can re-create you with their love and feelings and then be gone all of a sudden. The love in us as we are falling apart would be reaching out to them, hoping they are well. Just my thoughts!
I appreciate this so much at this moment. Your words delight and you have a true gift of writing!

[Going...going...gone!]

How fabulously you have breathed life into an inanimate object that seems to take on a life of itself....a life wherein it cares for the person who created it, even if he no longer does so....

I also liked what karlklein thought this poem meant to her....simply awesome how one piece can be interpreted in so many ways!

Love the way you use images and shape them into a poem that has such depth and feeling. I love your style...free, open and not bound by such considerations as rhythm and rhyme....this is spontaenity and I simply love it!

May God Bless you!

[Wolfwind Words]

I got the image in the end that, god gifted the boy with the skill to create the boat, and then the boat took some of that life energy itself and loved the boy as god would.
Great Job here!