A Last Look

This short story depicts how we regret after loosing someone. It also shows a heart to heart talking.

Seeing her after exactly 4 years 7 months and 29 days sent a shivering down my spine. And I couldn't understand why I just kept standing there and adored her while she rode her bicycle, playing with some cute children. She was wearing a Sky Blue colour Suit and Salwar. Today also she was looking cute as always, simple as always, amazing as always, loving as always, she hadn't lost her charm yet. As usual the clothes didn't made her look nicer but she made the clothes look nicer with her never ending beauty. I knew that though we had bit goodbye to each other before 4 years only but I still had the soft corner for her. Firstly she didn't noticed me but when she did, her eyes also got glued to mine. We just stared at each other, though with love. Our heart seems talking:
'Didn't saw you for a long time? Is everything OK?'
'Yeap! Everything is fine. What about you?'
'I am fine too but sometimes I regret of letting you go.'
'Oh! Really? I too feel like that sometimes. Especially when I see a couple enjoying in a park or anywhere.'
'Today You are looking great as always.'
'Thanks for that and you are still gaping at me, as always.'
'Hmmm.....some habits should not be left.'
'Rightly so.'
'I still love you a lot. And, I wish you would've came back.'
'I love you too. But unfortunately we can't be together now.'
Though we didn't spoke but our expression and heart did. Sometimes when Words can't, Silence can.
Somehow I managed to look away from her, though I didn't wanted to but I knew that If I would see her more It would hurt me later just like when she went earlier. And, I may not be able to recover from that pain again.
I just started walking away from her and when I was gone far away I gave a last longing look at her. And, what I found was her - staring at me like searching for a destination.

Author's Note

Your review matters a lot :)

Reviews

[Mitali Shah]

Simply touchy and senti one Rajat. One can not express the pain and infinite- igniting feelings that suddenly wake up, one feels on seeing his Ex after a long period of time and conversing them with just facial expressions and unspoken words. You have captured the moment. God bless. :)

[Rajat malik]

Thank you so much, Mitali
I hope you liked it:)

[Mitali Shah]

yes dear. :)

[Rajat malik]

Ohhh!!! Feels great honey :)

[Jeyanthi]

This gives... touchy feel... to love someone deeply.. one to undergo too much hurt.. that is undeniable...

[prajakta]

liked it..:-)der was a sense of !onging n pain in dis!loved the last line..

[Rajat malik]

Thanks Prajakta :)

[R Smith]

The feeling from reading this is a mixture of sadness and joy, odd to say so i guess but their meeting again seems to have both elements involved, his longing is very obvious, her reasons for saying they cannot be together are understated but she seems quite clear about that despite the last line where she looks at him walking away, you have a few issues with the use of English but that's no real problem, i'm sure you can overcome easily, I really like this story, you write very well, tell a good story, I think a few edits and its gonna be perfect, thanks for sharing :)

[Rajat malik]

Thank you so much for reading it and sharing your views:)
I am overjoyed that you liked it....And ya! as Patrick have already stated my mistakes I will surely work upon after 1 or 2 days, not now coz I am a bit busy right now, hope you don't mind.:)

[R Smith]

no problem Rajat, its your work, always write when the time is right, never force yourself and you'll do just fine :)

[Rajat malik]

OK! thanks once again!!!

[pikachulover]

Touching one! Well-expressed..

[Rajat malik]

Thanks for your review, Pokemon lover , I hope I can call you that:)

[pikachulover]

haha, of course you can!

[Rajat malik]

Hmmm.....Thanks again!!!

[Destiny Dreamer]

Awww... That's so Heart-Breaking and so TRUE! I know the feelings that U have described. Sometimes it's better to walk away rather than staying, 'cause then at some points pain becomes unbearable. It's so Heart-wrenching to even think about these feelings. So Beautifully described. Keep writing :)

[Rajat malik]

You are right Dreamer, sometimes the pain become unbearable....
Thank you for your kind review:)

[Destiny Dreamer]

You are WELCOME!

[sapna sagar]

last look....sad...kuch lines jo aksar sunne me aati hain.....jo shbd nhi keh pate wo chuppi keh deti hai...bahot achhe se use ki.......well written.....

[Rajat malik]

Aapka bahut bahut dhanyawad......Aur haan aapki lines yahan par rhyme hui....
'kuch lines jo aksar sunne me aati hain.....jo shbd nhi keh pate wo chuppi keh deti hai.

[sapna sagar]

maine to itna dhyan hi nhi diya kavivar.....waise deti ki jageh jaati hota to achha lagta..

[Rajat malik]

Haan!!! sahi boli aap:)

[Patrick Bush]

Hello! Gonna do a quick review for you.

The good-
There are some good lines in this like the "Sometimes when words can't, silence can." That line was the best in the entire piece. Showed off some real skill.
Good Title as well.

Some Suggestions-
Now, since you are from another country and i'm not cultured enough to know how English sounds over there (so please forgive me if I come off rude. I'm trying not to be). To me, some of the dialogue is stiff. For example "didn't saw you for a long time." To me, this just isn't right. I should say "i haven't seen you in a long time." There are other parts here that also just sound stiff. When writing dialogue, you want it to sound as natural as can be. You want your readers to believe these characters are real life; like they could pop out the page and have this conversation right in front of you. With that being said, if your country just says things in different ways then in America, that's fine. You should never lose your cultural voice. Just keep in mind some of the basics.

For the piece as a whole, I would say to expand it much more. We get two very blank characters here, and while their heartbreak is there, I can't really get a grasp on them. We get a quick description of the girl and that's it. here's a few things to ask yourself and include if you do keep building: Why can't these two be together? What broke them up to begin with? What does the boy look like? Why are they reunited again so suddenly? These are the sorts of questions to keep in mind when you write short stories.

Or (another route), if you want this to be this sort of length, with as few details as possible (which is doable) I would suggest maybe making a poem out of it. Either way its up to you.

Now, just as a side note, I don't want you to think i hate your piece. i like the idea of these two and their physical obsession with each other. I'm just the type of person who won't lie to you about your writing; if it needs some suggestions, i won't be afraid to tell you what i think needs fixed. So please don't think I'm picking on you or anything. i want you to improve as a writer. You're young and you have some skill, so don't be discouraged. Keep writing and keep improving!

[Rajat malik]

Thank you so, so and so much....(the infinite 'so') for taking so much time to write this long review, I know I would've been tired of writing so much:)
And thank you once more for picking out my mistakes, I am really glad that you picked them out, I really want someone every time to teach me so Yeap here u acted as my teacher....
And I will surely work upon this!
your review was an honest one, straight from the heart, I think.... And I liked it.....
you, being from a different nation are helping me out....so nice of you....
And ya! your review didn't discouraged me , in fact it made me feel good and I hope you will keep reviewing my work....
I will surely change it soon!!!!

[AaronFreitas]

There are things we regret in life regardless if we want to or not... I know I have been there too buddy. It's an awesome write full of emotion... great write!

[Rajat malik]

Thanks from my heart, Aaron