A Broken Soul

A love story once again although this time with a bit change.....

I opened my notebook to write down,
About the girl whom I wanted to gift a crown
My mind took me back to the memory,
Where we shared something beyond our love story
When I started falling for her since our first meeting,
She wore a loose T-shirt and a Jeans of fitting
She asked me about my name,
And took my heart away with no one left to blame
For she was the one who made me glow,
The air made her hair blow
For her I left my group of peer,
'I love you, Oh! My dear'
I wish she would've understood this sentence,
But whenever I would bring up this topic, she would get tensed
One day she told me about her past love,
I understood she was hurt by her partner
'I promise, I won't leave you ever',
'My soul is broken I can't believe anyone, ever'
With this line she went out,
Not just from my life but also from this world full of crowd
I wanted to call her back,
But at that time I just wished that I would have a heart attack.

Reviews

[Brittany Zedalis]

If this is based on truth, the ending is really sad. That being said, I enjoyed this poem as a whole. The only things that bugged me is there is a steady rhyme going on through the first 14 lines, but then the rhyme stops, and starts back again. But, I'm a big fan of freestyle poetry, so it honestly doesn't matter that much to me, but it might to other readers. This is a very lovely poem. I'll check out your other work soon. :)

[Rajat malik]

Thanks dear....
And, there is a rhyme in whole poem but after 14 lines the rhyme is there but a slightly complicated....
Thanks for your suggestion....will keep in mind other time

[Mitali Shah]

Perfectly defined your sadness dear. We all believe in fairy tales but find it hard to consume such bitter endings.. Good one

[Rajat malik]

Thank you so much, Mitali :)
And yeap! you are right, it's hard to consume such bitter endings but reality is what gives us pain:|

[Mitali Shah]

yes completely agree with you dear

[Rajat malik]

Hmmm.....I too with u

[closed]

i like the consummate nature of this poem
it works really well for it

i'll have to read more of your work friend


-Dream

[Rajat malik]

Thank you for stopping by :)
I will be waiting for your reviews on my other work too.....

[Rajat malik]

Thank you for stopping by :)
I will be waiting for your reviews on my other work too.....

[micky]

I hope you know that no matter how horrible things feel one day,someday your na be okay...you probable don't believe me I wouldn't either but its the truth....
I love the raw emotion in this piece...sad but beautiful...
Loved it :}

[Rajat malik]

Thank you a lot and I appreciate your suggestion :)

[Destiny Dreamer]

OMG! So sad. You have captured a moment very BEAUTIFULLY, amazing work.

[Rajat malik]

Thank you dear, your review means a lot to me:)

[Destiny Dreamer]

You are WELCOME! :)

[yvo miki]

wow this is a tear jurcker I loved very sad im sorry this ever happened to her and to u

[Rajat malik]

Yeap sometimes Life isn't fair although Time heal the wound....

[yvo miki]

that is not always true we just hide it deep down where no one can find it

[Rajat malik]

You are right but we just pretend that Time has taken away everything with it so as to soothe our mind but somewhere the parts/ remains are still presented

[yvo miki]

and that's why ik we can do it

[Rajat malik]

Rightly so.....

[yvo miki]

ya I don't know what to say

[Rajat malik]

Whatever you want to....

[yvo miki]

lol ur a sweet guy and ur nice even considering u don't know me I thank u for careing about me even if I don't know why u do

[Rajat malik]

I too don't know why I care about you so much but I think Time will give both of our answers....

[yvo miki]

I hope so too

[Rajat malik]

Hmmmm......waiting for that time eagerly

[yvo miki]

meeee to who thought it would take so long lol

[Rajat malik]

Don't know yet..... How long will it take

[yvo miki]

it depends on how long we want it or weather we want to be a short story or not

[Rajat malik]

I want it to be a long one just like a novel

[yvo miki]

alright then about 3 months maybe longer but its a way we can bond and it will be different bc it has two different types of style of writing

[Rajat malik]

Means....can u please explain it in a simpler way.....two different types of style of writing???

[yvo miki]

like every person has a different style of writing like the way they make the character act and be ..most time the caracters are based off ur self

[Rajat malik]

hmmmm....I got it

[yvo miki]

alright bye

[Rajat malik]

Bye....will miss you until next time

[yvo miki]

lol im back and what u wanna know about me before we start writing

[Rajat malik]

Whatever you wanna tell.....

[yvo miki]

lol alright

[Rajat malik]

have to be....

[yvo miki]

I don't know what to say lol

[Rajat malik]

there must be something in your mind which you wanna share lol

[yvo miki]

ya I do my ex want me back and idk if I wanna do it and these kid and I put an enfosos on kid they were say they disseved the award I got for chmistery and that I copy off them .then they where trying to get me to give them my 50 I won for reading books I wanted to say something but didn't they didn't want me to or I would of gone off on them

[Rajat malik]

Kids??? Sorry but can't understand what you want to say....

[yvo miki]

um childish people getting mad bc they didn't get a award

[Rajat malik]

oh!!!! some people think just like that.....
they think like life is always about getting awards.....:)

[yvo miki]

Right lol I know

[misha]

Another good poem. It flowed well but I felt the last line wasnt as strong as it could be. I'd think of something with more power to create an impactful ending!!

[Rajat malik]

Thanks for your suggestion once more....But I really don't have some good line to replace it right now....
Will surely try to do so if an idea come in my mind

[Rajat malik]

'I wanted to call her back,
but at that time I just wished that I would have a heart attack' Is this line OK?

[misha]

Yes, that is better :-)

[Rajat malik]

Okk..I am gonna change it....thanks once again:)

[Jeyanthi]

Its very well written,
how the presence of loved ones are influenced in life.

[Rajat malik]

Yeap!!!! Rightly so....our loved ones are the most important for us......and thanks

[prajakta]

ohh...i feel sorry for the tragic end.hoped it wud end another way,she falling for you..but the content does justice to the title.thanks for sharing:-)

[Rajat malik]

Yeap!!! A too sad ending....
And you shouldn't say thanks to me instead of that I am thankful to you for your kind comment

[Jamestown]

Well written and delivered!
Nice flow and solid message, thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[Rajat malik]

Thanks a lot.....your review matters
and I am still guessing why did u said thanks:)