Gods Must Be Crazy!

A Satire!

 

“I preached peace… and they are bursting bombs” Buddha sounded depressed.

 

“Nothing’s right. I used the nails to preach peace. They have taken the nails from the Cross for Crude Bombs…. Hmm” Pondered Jesus.

 

“I called for Jihad, mind you, just for the soul, and definitely I didn’t talk about virgins as gifts” lamented Muhammad.

 

“And I rode the rata for Bhagvat Gita and now they’re riding it to demolish Masjids!” exclaimed Krishna.

 

There was a voice from the heaven’s abode. And it said,

 

“All you people, let’s talk facts. The genuine ones. Let’s find a solution for those innocent children.”

 

Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, and Krishna all looked above in unison. Contemplated for a few moments and then… decided to let it out.

 

Buddha, “Come to think of it, I was a King, living great, got fed up of the grandeur, needed a break, slept by the tree and had a damn hallucination. Felt like talking, talked some crap and they told me, I’m the enlightened one. Felt good. I died. They called my stuff Buddhism.”

 

“Now, now, you were alright. I was a flirt, never knew monogamy, stole butter, cheated during war, I’m not sure if I existed, to be frank half the things I did, I came to know by reading the books on me. Fiction, Buddha, all fiction” said Krishna.

 

“Dan Brown was right, I was a human, just a shepherd, I had long hair and looked good in a robe. Hey, but I was a good man. I don’t know when I became God, but they told me I was one. I said, alright! Then for no reason, they made walk all the way with a Cross and nailed me. You know the sad part, till date they don’t draw a happy picture of mine, always with a Cross. And yeah, I did try a visit three days later, but in three days, I understood where I was and decided I was better off here than going back. I stayed put.” Jesus confirmed.

 

Muhammad sighed, “As you all know, I’m from the dessert, actually a good poet. I wrote stuff and as you know, there was no Internet those days, I tried to write different rough copies before the final fair copy and my luck, they published everything. Everybody has a different version. Darn, everybody believes their version. Now, I myself don’t know which is my version. Got totally confused. They forgot me long time back. They learn from Madrassas now.”

 

They were all quiet for a moment. There was a sigh of relief from everyone.

 

They felt elated that they could vent their feeling and wanted to thank God who made them talk.

 

They searched for the face that voiced the question.

 

And from behind the clouds in a spacecraft came two guys with a jumpsuit and video camera.

 

And they said, “You guys are screwed. It’s a Sting Operation.”

 

It was telecast 8 p.m. local time just before Champions League, IPL, NBA, and MTV Awards all over the world.

 

An hour later, Osama sent an audio tape saying, “There is a fatwa against Muhammad and that America people will pay for this.”

 

Pakistan President Musharaff claimed that the tape was doctored and Osama was dead due to a heart condition. When reporters quizzed him about his earlier statement that Osama had died of kidney failure in 2002, Musharaff opined that the death in 2002 could have worsened his heart ailment.

 

Four reporters fixed an appointment with their psychiatrists 30 minutes later.

 

George Bush was confused what the fuss was about. He was pretty sure Iran had a hand in all this. And the White House released a statement saying, "Israel should be defended. They have the right to exist." He further added, the latest American Lotto results are out and Zimbabwe, France, Austria, Poland, Uganda, Siberia, Sri Lanka, Turkey, Japan, Mexico, Euthanasia, and Philadelphia have been included in the Axis of Evil.

 

Dick Cheney interrupted him to say, "Euthanisa is not a city and Philadelphia is in America."

 

Bush looked bewildered, "I am confused. But, we should be going to war against somebody?!"

 

Iran Premier Ahmadenijad said, "We are testing the Uranium plant and we wont allow any more Traffic Inspectors, I mean, UN inspectors. Israel has no right to exist. Holocaust, Big Bang, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Super Bowl, Muhammad Ali, Roman Holiday, Gone With The Wind, and Spider Man never happened. But I am pretty sure Bat Man is still alive. Death to America"

 

Pope said from his Vatican headquarters, “Jesus was never a Christian; he was a Messiah of Moslems.” He further added that by 2020, the Armageddon will happen and he wanted everybody to embrace Christianity before that.

 

No reaction could be got from Buddhists as they were involved in a fierce fighting with the LTTE in Sri Lanka, but one of the monks assured that they are working towards peace by killing everybody in the opposition so that there can be no one to fight later and only peace will prevail.

 

The BJP leader released a statement saying that he was pretty sure that Krishna was given money by the Congress to talk like this. He further added that BJP will come to power in the next election and they will build Ram temple in America.

 

Two bombs exploded in Iraq and the terrorists were confused why they did it.

 

Further details awaited.

 

          - Raj

Author's Note

Disclaimer: I didnt have any intention to offend anyone's religious sentiments or beliefs. Just laugh with a thought!

Reviews

[Rachel DeHart]

:p
I like this. It reminds me a little of a story my mom used to say, a priest, a monk, and a Buddhist all stand next to each other in front of 3 doors, each with thier own keys. They say goodbye to each other, thinking their door is correct and will lead them to "heaven", and when they walk through, they are standing next to each other again.

[Hannah!]

Well the contrast between what a religion preaches and what it's followers actually do is always amusing, and this story did make me laugh, I found it rather confusing. I think you could have done a better job linking the whole falling a part, because while I did understand it after a few minutes, the transition was garbled and could use some work. It was funny, though. I laughed out loud.

Although I feel like it's worth noting that there has never been a war waged by Buddhists for Buddhism. For Christianity and Islam, sure, but not for Buddhism.

[TL Boehm]

truth couched in fiction. Satire is tricky and the reader has to be smart enough to get the joke - even when the punch line is aimed at his own soft underparts. I found it humorous - and relevant. It made me think - WELL DONE satire. Bravo!

[Deborah Shepard]

written in loving humor your style ios wounderful

[LadyRouge]

A very interesting read. I fully enjoyed it!!! You have taken such seriousness and made it for what it can seem ... just sillyness. It makes you think and still smile. Great job!

[Lexy]

This was really good. I enjoyed reading it. I would never think that the Gods would have internet access or TV access. That threw me for a loop. Also, I have pondered if maybe that the Gods, so to speak, would turn over in their graves to see what happened to the world.
Hey, what d'ya know??? =)

BTW- I know this is fiction. I am completely and totally aware of that fact. =)

[SamBug]

Good job. I really liked this story a lot. loved it loved it loved it. :)

[Nevah Ann]

That's pretty funny. LOL I agree with the last review, where was the Mormons? LOL I'm passing this along to my friend, she'd love it. Keep up the good work!

[Blade & Blood (The ..]

That was the greatest freakin' thing I've ever read! It was funny, it got me really thinking, it inspired me, and, above all, it made me love religion all over again!

It's just amazing how complex you made these religious leaders/founders. I'll admit I was discouraged that I didn't find Joseph Smith (Mormon), but who cares? I still love this story to death! The ending was more meaningful than it was hilarious!

Great story! I'm very honored that you'd share it with me. ^^

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

[Tuff Stuff]

Hah!
Loved it.
It's like one big stretched out pun.
It was enjoyable to read.
Funny stuff!

T.S.