Love LeSan

I love you Blaze LeSan. We may not be together anymore, but the feeling can't escape me.

    People like you are very hard to come by. I noticed this, and I won't lie, when we started talking way back in December. It was 2 weeks exactly after we started talking that I was developing feelings for you. I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid I'd scare you away, and I didn't feel ready yet especially after the relationship I just got out of those feelings never left. They lingered and slightly grew more and more, as I was "fooling around" with Noelle the b***h. The more I was with Noelle the more I realized how much better "some people" (you) were for me.

    I spiked pretty sharply, and I even started to get more and more jealous as I read the comments you left on other guys' Facebook profiles even though we hadn't talked for about a month. I still never forgot you. A part of you never left me. just talking to you and sharing interests made me realize how amazing you were. I didn't want to let you go. I couldn't. You're just too perfect for me. And then I finally dug deep down to find the balls to ask  you out, and when you said yes I felt amazed that someone like you would even think about dating someone like me.

    My feelings for you QUICKLY jolted. It wasn't just you and your personality that did it, or how ungodly beautiful you are. It was also your family. I actually got along and had something, if not a few things, in common with all of them. I'm a lonely boring fun deprived person, and for once in my life I was in an active fun not-so-boring household, and I LOVED everyone there.

That is my paradise.

And then on top of that I was able to say "Hey! you know what! F**k all of you superstars who are dating each other, and winning best looking of the year or what not. I've really got the most beautiful woman in the world, and that makes me richer than you are."
I felt PROUD and honored to call you mine. I can't believe someone as amazing and gorgeous as you would want someone as shy and not-so-amazing as myself.
    [Blaze LeSan]: but i did =]
    Then I got to spend time with you! Even though we were in different towns I still was able to get time to spend with you. I swore up and down on the way home at 4:30 in the morning, the morning after Prom night, that you were the one for me.

My first time seeing you, and we held hands all the way to Dennys.

We talked. I"m not talkative

You're funny. I've never been with anybody funny before and it felt better than anything else in the world.

Your friends loved me. I'm bad with people.

    We went to the Gazebo and that...right there. That made me feel more alive than anything else I've ever experienced. You and I sat in that Gazebo for 2 1/2 to 3 hours. We talked. The entire waterfront was dimly lit by the moonlight. Yeah it was cold, but I didn't care. We were alone in the dark for 2 1/2 hours, with nobody around. The water reflected, and we just held each other for that long, not wanting to let go. I was satisfied and could live forever just on cuddling you alone. I didn't even need or want sex from you, and with two teenagers alone after prom night, that's a VERY RARE thing to come by. Why? Because I was in love with you.
And that's all I cared about.
I loved you. And I could sit there and hold you forever, snuggling deep into your warm embrace.
Then we kissed...our very first kiss.
The moment was right.
No
The moment was Perfect. I had to hold onto the railing behind you, and onto you to support myself from collapsing. It meant that much to me.
Our very first kiss.
I knew right then and there that you were...just...god, words can't even describe how amazing and heart-felt it was. Then I kissed you goodnight and walked home. I didn't even realize I was at home, I was just thinking about you and our time together on the way home. My mind was one place and my body was doing it's own thing walking home. I dreamt about it and couldn't stop talking to you. My feelings for you increased more and more.
I was in love. That's all there is to it.

    We talked all that week, and the weekend after I finally got to meet your family the first time. I was nervous, yeah, but I was able to warm up to them quickly. Your bed was cozy and soft, but not as much as you were. I snuggled you, and you kept me warm and protected. I felt more at home snuggling you than I do actually AT home. The luscious scent of your hair relaxed me, and your body fit mine perfectly. I've never felt so comfortable or happy anywhere else. All it took were the words "I love you" and getting to see  more of your amazing humor to get me <3
    [Blaze LeSan]: ....im sorry

    The next weekend, I got to come over the second time and meet your parents more, and spend more time with kyle, and watch another movie with you. I didn't think any experience could be better than the first, or even come close to it. But it did. We snuggled and kissed and watched movies together, and it was another amazing evening. I even hugged Patty comfortably as if I knew her for years, and it usually takes a long time for me to be able to do that.
What was really 10 hours we spent together passed by quickly.
I love your family, and I knew for a fact that I love you.

    The next morning you came over to finally meet my family :) "Great!" I thought. "We're progressing! And they love her to death!! We're all getting along well and it's going a lot better than I expected it to." We shared funny stories when we ate breakfast, and you gave me the sweatshirt :) <3333 I love it. I still wear it. It still smells like you too. We held hands in the car, resting our heads on eachother's as we went to Bar Harbor, and unexpectedly stopped at Pirates Cove. :P And you beat me >.< I thought I was doing pretty good haha. And then I tried on your sweatshirt and it fit! =D Then we talked for a little bit until they came out to the car and we left again.
    That day in Bar Harbor was AMAZING. Although we didn't know where we were going, we still had fun. lol x3 We stopped and got ice cream, you made friends with a birdy c: And we snuggled on the bench plotting which children to steal. muahaha. <33
I kept feeling this growing sense of connection with you through everything we did, and it all felt so amazing!
We walked everywhere, hugged some whales, bought a few things, and went to eat at Carmens (Which wasn't really all that great. xD)
And we went home and I was looking forward to spending the rest of the day and all that night with you =D I can't get enough time with you, it seems.
    When we met up with Stephanie and everyone, I stuck a little closer to you because I get shy around people I don't really know. I was a little sleepy, but it wasn't too bad. But I really really loved holding your hand and being apart of the fun you're used to living. The life you live for and go out and do, I've always wanted to do but never got the chance to.
On top of spending time with you, it was a bit of a new awakening for me.
Resting on you during the movie felt great. :) "I bought my girlfriend into the movies. This is our first sort of date!" I was so excited.
I may not have showed a lot of emotion due to being tired and shy, but it really meant a lot to me going on our first date.
    Then we just hung out in the parkinglot for 3 hours talking away and enjoying eachother's company, laughing at everyone's jokes, etc. You may not have seen or noticed it, but I was REALLY happy to be there. I love everyone there, I just didn't really know how to express it more than I did at the time.
    Later we went to WalMart and we walked around and hunted for dinosaur and duck clothes :P And we eventually headed home, and you dropped me off. I gave you my sweatshirt, spritzed it so it would smell like me and so you've got something to always remember me by, gave you a goodnight kiss, and went inside, looking out the window watching as you drove out of the driveway.
I remember thinking to myself constantly "My god. I just spent the most amazing day with the love of my life, and I already miss her. :) I really can't wait to see if I can spend more time with her next weekend." Then I stayed online and talked to you until I had to go (I remember I didn't fall asleep on you that night. lol). And I dreamt sweet dreams of you as I had for the month we've been dating, and the many occasions before that.
    Monday morning, I wake up and moms in the chair on her laptop. She says "Good morning sweetie. How was your night?" And I couldn't help but smile :) I told her it was amazing and I told her about EVERYTHING we did, then bragged about how much I missed you and couldn't wait to talk to you.
Then I went home and you signed on and I was so excited to finally talk to my baby again!!!

This woman who caused me to melt by the touch of her soft luscious lips.
This woman who's eyes alone make me ignore the whole outside world and seduce me.
This woman who's touch, especially when you ran your hand up and down my chest, instantly comforted me, and made me feel at peace.
This woman who made me laugh.
This woman who made me smile just by knowing she was online or in the room
This woman who I would take a bullet for and do anything to make happy.
This woman who means the entire world to me...

...breaks up with me.

I understand the reasons, and I wasn't upset at them
    You mentioned it being very sudden and not really expecting it to happen until later the night before and early that morning
But my entire world of sweet scents, first kisses, delicate touches, laughs, smiles, snuggles, all shattered.
I couldn't help but feel it must have somehow been my fault. Something I did wrong
And ever since then I've been paying TOO much attention and being TOO cautious about not hurting you that I actually did start hurting and irritating you.

   [Blaze LeSan]: ....i dont like this story anymore...

I feel like I'm taking one step forward but two steps back, and I panicked and before I knew it everything we had was gone.

    I can't let go of these feelings or even grasp my head around the fact that it happened. A car going 150mph immediately halts, and the driver still goes 150 through the windshield. Now he's messed up. Doesn't know what to do.
But you see, you may have left those feelings behind.
I'm still cherishing them.
In all the time I've had feelings for you, everything we've done has meant more to me than anything else in the world.

I still have our first kiss
I still have our 3 hour Gazebo snuggle
I still have our first date
I still have our entirely perfect day in Bar Harbor
I still have your sweatshirt
I still have your scent
I still have your snuggles
I still have your humor
I still have your happiness
I still have your beauty
and I'm fighting to never let go
I can't let go

    I'm not Crazy, and I'm not obsessive, babe. I'm in Love. I have been since the first two weeks of meeting you, and I am now. And I know it may not be good for me but I'm not ashamed to admit it

~Blaze Autumn LeSan, I love you.

Author's Note

modern ode to my previous love interest.