He is My Son

I can't put into words how a parent feels when his child is diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

you may pass him. he is handsome, and his skin is darkened from hours of walking aimlessly in the afternoon sun. he is slim from lack of eating, and not having a set routine. he may have a distant stare, as if he is lost in thought. he once was the most popular kid in school. the phone rang constantly. he was funny, and fun to be around.

then the voices came when he was around nineteen, that was seven years ago. the doctors called it schizophrenia. he spent several years in places they called residence houses. his friends became lost souls whose faces were distorted from years of torment.

we tried so hard to help him, but he wouldn't take his medicine. for a while he had an apartment. he couldn't make it on his own.

 

he left our house several months ago. we had no contact of any kind with him. his mother cries every night. i saw him yesterday. he was sitting near our mail box, waiting to get his check from ssd. i begged him to come in, so he could contact his case worker. his voices have convinced him that i am responsible for his illness. i asked him what he has been doing. he said he walks. at night he sleeps in alleys and behind restaurants. i took him and bought him food, then helped him cash his check, which he had been forging my name to. i asked him where he wanted to go, and he told me i could let him out where we were. we were twenty some miles from our home. when i drove off i looked in the rear view mirror. i saw my boy walking. he told me he needed to figure things out. i thought of all the many Christmas mornings, all the Birthday parties, the bed time stories, the times when he would just hug me for no reason. he will never, ever be the same. it's almost too much for a parent to grasp.

 

i cried for him. i cried for his mother. i cried for me. he is out there, now. i can never explain the hurt, and feeling of helplessness. he is walking in a world he no-longer understands. he is so lost. please be kind to him. he is my son.

Reviews

[poet2angels (lynda)]

Sigh....

My son was born Autistic...
We found out when he was 3. He was starting to speak in small phrases, and
physically developing like any other toddler, but at about 18 mos he started to regress
and slowly lost what speech he had developed.....
We tried everything...every new program, etc...
They told us to put him in some state home or our lives would be ruined.
I got very angry and stopped asking for help and he is a blessing. I cry for him as well
because he cannot have a normal life, but he is a blessing...
he just had his 28th birthday.

My heart and prayers are with you my friend, and I say as you do,
to the World...
be kind to our children

Lynda

[The DuchessPoet]

There are so MANY things I could write... trust me.

Thank you for sharing... thank you.

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

I am so sorry to hear that Rain. How awful that must feel, to know you love your child, and they are stricken with an illness they can't control. Kinda similar to me when i was diagonesed with bipolar disorder in 2000 it was really h ard for everyone. i made a lot of bad decisions, with credit cards mainly, thinking I could spend and buy things and I would be fine. It hurt my parents a lot. The way you write this story is very conversational and it flows, like all your work. always effortless to read, and this subject is very heavy, but i feel your pain.

thanks for sharing.

kena

[All faded blue]

This piece touches me deeply. It is so hard when our children leave us under less than okay circumstances. We never stop being their parents, even when they think the magic "eighteen" separates them from us. All we can do is wait, and as you say, cry. Sometimes they come back, sometimes we are left with our memories of sweeter, more innocent times, before life dealt the cards that leave us confused and alone. Take care my friend, hug Sue, share the good memories, pray and wait. I will think of you often.

[Spoken]

this is so sad Ray.. i actually remember reading this piece a while back and thought i commented.. but i guess no words came to describe how i felt.

I live with flashes of my son's death and how my world would fall apart. My dreams can be so vivid, it's too real to bare sometimes. I only hope they are only dreams, because my dreams are not always just that.

your words are like emotions on your sleeve. I love the real in you.

My heart goes out to you and your son.

[Dave "Doc" Rogers]

Well written, Ray. Even the use of the "type" was a good touch to the disjointed situation and feelings you must be feeling. Good bit of 'out there' writing ... cathartic in a way too, I hope.

Thank you for sharing this, my friend.

Be well!
Doc.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

This is heartbreaking to read, I don't think I'll ever understand mental illness or why it hits some of us. My daughter and I both suffer from severe bi-polar and it devastates our lives. I'm so sorry Rain, my prayers are with you and your son and your family. Debileah

[George Love]

This was something else. The emotions come through loud and clear. Very strong, very vulnerable and very sad. So many times I have dealt with lost ones like this and wondered how their families had to feel, did they care about them or even know they still existed. You just put another face with a story. Well done! I feel for you and your family in this, I really do.

[Amanda]

a sad and very powerful write, Ray...it is heartbreaking that you or his mother can't really do anything for him. all you can really do is pray to the lord that he will be fine and that he will watch over him while he is out in the world.

my heart goes out to you and your wife.

Amanda

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

Thank you for posting it again , thats what i looked for , one of the most powerful stories I read on here, Thank you Rain Yossi

[Gypsy_Moon]

So sad is this write, it touched my heart and soul. I can't imagine what you must be feeling....though I tried with your words written, I 'm sure I could never come close. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Gypsy_Moon