He is My Son

I can't put into words how a parent feels when his child is diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

you may pass him. he is handsome, and his skin is darkened from hours of walking aimlessly in the afternoon sun. he is slim from lack of eating, and not having a set routine. he may have a distant stare, as if he is lost in thought. he once was the most popular kid in school. the phone rang constantly. he was funny, and fun to be around.

then the voices came when he was around nineteen, that was seven years ago. the doctors called it schizophrenia. he spent several years in places they called residence houses. his friends became lost souls whose faces were distorted from years of torment.

we tried so hard to help him, but he wouldn't take his medicine. for a while he had an apartment. he couldn't make it on his own.

 

he left our house several months ago. we had no contact of any kind with him. his mother cries every night. i saw him yesterday. he was sitting near our mail box, waiting to get his check from ssd. i begged him to come in, so he could contact his case worker. his voices have convinced him that i am responsible for his illness. i asked him what he has been doing. he said he walks. at night he sleeps in alleys and behind restaurants. i took him and bought him food, then helped him cash his check, which he had been forging my name to. i asked him where he wanted to go, and he told me i could let him out where we were. we were twenty some miles from our home. when i drove off i looked in the rear view mirror. i saw my boy walking. he told me he needed to figure things out. i thought of all the many Christmas mornings, all the Birthday parties, the bed time stories, the times when he would just hug me for no reason. he will never, ever be the same. it's almost too much for a parent to grasp.

 

i cried for him. i cried for his mother. i cried for me. he is out there, now. i can never explain the hurt, and feeling of helplessness. he is walking in a world he no-longer understands. he is so lost. please be kind to him. he is my son.

Reviews

[poet2angels (lynda)]

Sigh....

My son was born Autistic...
We found out when he was 3. He was starting to speak in small phrases, and
physically developing like any other toddler, but at about 18 mos he started to regress
and slowly lost what speech he had developed.....
We tried everything...every new program, etc...
They told us to put him in some state home or our lives would be ruined.
I got very angry and stopped asking for help and he is a blessing. I cry for him as well
because he cannot have a normal life, but he is a blessing...
he just had his 28th birthday.

My heart and prayers are with you my friend, and I say as you do,
to the World...
be kind to our children

Lynda

[Kathy Van Kurin]

'He is My son'
Rain,
I empathize with and for you. How do we assimilate our lives with loss like this? One foot in front of the other, moment by moment. Memories can be such a help because it is a place of comfort. Loss is a learning curve. The reality is brittle but love somehow softens the days. You are doing your best and still your mama's heart cares and gives. I don't know where you are now or your son for that matter but I wish you both good and help.
Well bless you as we see Spring bring new life.
kathy

[Patrick Roach]

Excellent piece, I adore your writing style.

[Elise Anton]

I 'lost' my best friend to schizophrenia when we were both twenty. The once bubbly, outgoing and bursting with life young woman became this person I could no longer recognise or connect with. On and off her meds, I tried for years to ressurect our closeness. The meds turned her into a zombie, a thing having no highs or lows, sitting like a mushroom, absorbing but not relating. Off the meds she alternated between self-harm and threats of harm to others. I feel for you. Losing a friend was devastating. When it is your own child... I cannot ever accommodate your pain. She still 'lives', both parents dead now. I see her from time to time, just checking in. It breaks my heart every time. Your words are heart-felt, thank you for sharing.

[Ellen C]

i am so sorry. i will have your son in my thoughts and prayers

[Angi]

Oh Rain, I am sitting here in tears. I ache for you and your wife and your precious son. Beautifully, simply written.

[captain]

I felt the cry and plea of helplessness. Sad, a very touching piece, amazing!

This is a really gripping piece. For the first few lines I thought it seemed a little blunt and disconnected... but I suppose this maybe mimics how you think your son must feel.... and I suppose that writing elaborate, dreary prose would still not capture the esscence of what it is you must be feeling. My heart goes out to you x

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful and sad poem. I try to be kind to the people in the streets and roaming. Many reason today to be homeless and lost. I like the logic of this poem. The man or woman is someone son or daughter you are being kind to with money or food. I do believe in karma. Need more kindness and forgiveness in this world. Thank you for sharing this story. A lesson can be learn from your words.
Coyote

[Matthew D. Ford]

By far one of the most heartbreaking stories I've ever read. I do not know exactly what it feels like, for I am not you and cannot feel the pain that you feel, but I can relate. I have a schizophrenic aunt who won't speak to her won family. It's very sad and hard to take. I will pray for you and your wife and especially your son and that he comes back home. God bless you for sharing your pain with us. He'll be okay.