Why I still love you

Love took a young and beautiful naive young girl, and made her one of the most devoted and loyal human beings I've ever known..

I remember you so vividly that day. You were seventeen when you stepped out onto that sand. and walked toward the lifeguard tower. It was your favorite place for you and your sister to lay your blanket. I was twenty seven. I had watched you grow up, a summer at a time. You came up north every summer to visit your father and grand mothers. The first time I saw you, you were fifteen. You were so pretty and innocent. We played cards at break time...fifteen minutes of small talk and lots of laughing. If there was any sexual attraction, it came from me, and it was not serious, just a flashing vision of what you would look like in a few years.

 

We were simply friends. I made you laugh, and you loved that. I could tell you looked forward to coming to the quarry resort. They played music from the top of a telephone pole, and had imported white sand. The water was a deep crystal green. I loved seeing you. I knew it would be innocent talk, nothing deep or complicated. You had a boyfriend in Cincinnati, but it was not serious.

But, on that day, on that sunny summer day, I saw pure beauty walking toward me. Your long flowing brown hair looked so clean and shiny. Your skin so tanned and soft looking. When you layed your blanket out in your favorite spot, I saw the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Your dark brown naive eyes, your high cheek bones, the shape of your body. I fell in love that day.

 

 

I swear I remember the song that drifted across the sand from the speaker atop the thirty foot high pole. It was " Close to you " by the Carpenters. I have loved you since that day. Your boyfriend Jim was still in the picture, but I knew somehow I would end up with you. The odds of you falling in love with me were almost zero. Your beauty, plus your sincere innocence, and the pureness of your personality made it highly unlikely you would pick me.

 

You were protected by your brother's friends. They treated you like you had to be guarded. You could have had any guy you chose, but even against their advice you always remained friendly to me. I stayed at the YMCA. I was on welfare and basically a bum. That was my reputation. I had a girlfriend in California that I still loved, but could see it slowly crumbling apart. I never told you my feelings, because I was in limbo. We both had feelings for other people.

My girlfriend from California came to Ohio to visit. We had been together for almost five years, and I still loved her, but I didn't go back with her when she left.

 

 

Months passed, and we wrote letters back and forth. Love was never mentioned. Until one night, during a telephone call, I hinted my feeling might be more than just as friends. It was an awkward conversation. You were shy, and I wasn't sure how to talk with you. I remember one day a credit card company called my friend. We lived in a trailer, and I watched his son while he worked. They wanted to give him a credit card. I told them he wasn't home, and the guy said..

" What about you ?" " Would you be interested ? "

 

I was honest with him. I told him I had no job, no assets, no credit, and he took all of it down, and I'll be damn if they didn't send me one. That's how I could travel the three hours to see you. I bought guys tires, batteries, you name it, just to drive me to see you. I would get a motel, and you would sneak out and visit for only a couple hours. Mostly we sat by the pool, but once in a while I would get you in the room by myself. There was never any sex, which frustrated me, but also made me love you more. Even after your mother found out, and told you to stop seeing me, or she would disown you, you stayed with me. You always believed in me...always.

 

Then the day came when the phone rang at the trailer. It was you, crying. You had moved out own your own. It was something totally out of character for you, especially knowing how close you and your mom were. You told me you were afraid and begged me to come down. I think it took me two days and I was there. I walked in your apartment, and there was nothing. You gave up everything for me. We had a lamp, a mattress on the floor, a couple dishes, and that was about it. You had got a job as a bank teller, and you saved every cent. Your mother, your whole family, except your sister disowned you. That's how much you loved me. You were eighteen, and I was twenty nine at the time. You cried every day for the first week.

 

Our place was so tiny, the mattress was in the living room where the kitchen was, also.

I recall coming out of the shower, with just my underwear, and you spending ten minutes with your back turned washing our two plates. Those were the days our love bonded. I loved you with all my heart...bum that I was. But, I was clean from drugs, something you knew nothing of...and I was glad. After fighting to get clean I came down to live with you and start our life, but then I met our next door neighbor. We started talking. The conversation came to drugs, specifically heroin. He invited me in his apt, and their on the coffee table was a bowl. In that bowl was two ounces of China white heroin from Viet Nam. 

 

It was as if life was setting me up. I wanted to prove everyone wrong, that your love for me was right. Instead, you came home that day from work, opened the door, and caught me injecting it into my arm. You didn't say a word. You wasn't sure what to do, or say. You were that naive.

 

The story of our love took so many turns, but you never once gave up on me. You kept telling me " You're good, Ray..You don't need to do this."

Eventually, I went to prison. Everyone came to you, including your mother and reminded you they warned you. But, you still stood by me. Your love for me was so powerful and undying. You saw the good, and was not going to give up on me. When you came to visit in prison, my fellow inmates all took one look at you and said you would not wait on me. But, I knew the strength of your love. You were there when I got out. We spent two years planning out our life when I got out. It was the best thing that ever happened. We started out with just each other, but with a little help from your mom who finally came to visit me in prison. Your love has been my life raft. You gave me worth. People would look at you, and would say to themselves. " He must have some good in him for her to love him."

 

For thirty six years you have loved me, gave me two sons, stood by my side as I buried my father...my mother...my brother...and my best friends. What ever you saw in me back then, you made it come out. I am loved because of you. I am respected because of your unbreakable love for me. From that hot sunny day you stepped onto the sand....and " Close to you " played, I have loved you. No-one could ever love me the way you have, and I could never love anyone but you. You still are the most stunning woman I know, except at 6:30 in the morning. :) I have not really told you in the way I should tell you, in a long time. I'm saying now..." I love you beyond words."  

Author's Note

This is a tribute to my wife, and to an undying blind love.

Reviews

[J.Black]

Ah this was simply a pleasure to read. It read like a movie that played in my head as you drew out the picture for me. The whole song and beach thing seemed so unrealistic which is why the whole movie thing popped in my head. - Dream-like almost. What can you say Rain, she obviously saw something in you that no one else saw and she brought it out of you eventually for the rest of the world to share that special part of you. During your hard times of being prisonized and getting caught up in the never ending world of addiction with your neighbor, she still stood beside you. Simply, you're wife was the angel that wanted you to be somebody. Thanks for sharing this, it was very beautiful and a nice tribute to your love.

[Debra Stevens Edwards (..]

Rain, It is a blessing when someone loves you enough to stand by you even at those times when we would not stay if we had a choice. This is a beautiful and moving tribute to sue and I am sure she was touched by your words. Her strength and Love saw you both through the hardest times in your lives and still does. be well be happy and always remember the power of love and laughter are immense. As always you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs and blessing
Debby

[Donald Meikle]

It's a great feeling to know how you love and are loved, (key word (know) She stood in the doorway of my high school lit class, and I can still see her standing there.