Home Birth..

Natural childbirth at home ? Ok, if that's what you want, honey.

I'm writing about home birth. It is a short story about a nightmare/miracle that occurred thirty yrs ago. I'm old school. I think a man should be pacing back and forth with his buddy,smoking a cigarette, with his wife surrounded by 200 hundred doctors and nurses,all specialized in baby births,and keeping the father informed minute by minute.

 

 

 But, my wife, she wanted to have our first born natural,on the floor of our home,with just midwifes and maybe a doctor, if needed. I eventually gave in. I even agreed to go to home birthing classes. I remember the first class. All the midwifes looked the same,like they just stepped off the Santa Maria. They all looked like pilgrams: no makeup,no lipstick,all wearing dresses made of linen and all with their hair tied back and held by a rubber band.

 

All the guys looked like I thought I should have looked. They all wore desert boots,had ponytails,sat crossed legged like Indians,and all seemed to be...humm,how do I put this...gentle and sensitive. I know I loved my wife as much and probably more than any of them,I just wasn't sold on this having my baby born in my house.

I am not a hand holder. All the other couples were so outwardly affectionate, it left me feeling a bit out of place. Sue was transfixed to every word the midwife said. I pretended to be 100% behind this idea of home birth. Truthfully, I never felt comfortable at any of these classes.

 

 

 

Still, I feigned interest,until a midwife said something that made me feel like I had entered another world. It was a simple question. No-one but me seemed to show any response. The question was asked with such casualness that it took me a few seconds for it to register.

 

"Have any of you thought what you'd like to do with your placenta?" The mid wife asked, like she was asking where we parked our car.

 

What?????????????. I confess it never entered my mind,but how many options do you have??

I remember putting an elbow into Sue's rib. I leaned over,trying not to look horrified.

 

"What the hell have you got me into here?" I whispered. My mind raced to come up with a practical, non offensive disposable plan.

Bag it up...double bag it,triple bag it,put it in the garbage can...put a cement block on it, make sure the lid is sealed properly...right ? And then she said it.

 

"Some people bury theirs and then plant trees or plants over them."she said, matter of factly.

"Personally, Tom and I put ours in the freezer,then ate it,later." "We used garlic and butter." Remember the placenta has the highest content of protein of any food you can eat."

 

I knew I was in the midst of a cult,maybe cannibals,maybe even vampires. Yet,all this time Sue sat calmly listening.

 

Ok,screw this. I said to myself. I didn't bargain for this. I didn't care if the placenta was made of solid gold. It wasn't finding it's way to any skillet in my house. I stared at Sue who finally showed some concern. The other couples listened and acted as if none of their senses were shocked. Sue leaned over and tried to calm me.

 

 

"Honey,the tree idea would be kind of a neat idea." Sue said, trying to calm me.

 

I felt like I needed a wooden cross,a silver bullet,a mirror,a garlic necklace,some wolf bane,anything to protect us.

Somehow, when the class was over I shuffled Sue to the parking lot, and we both busted out laughing.

 

"I can't do this,honey" seriously." Did the mid wife drive up in a hearse ?" I asked, laughing.

Somehow, Sue convinced me that was the only thing she thought odd.

 

On Nov the 4th, 1981 Sue began her labor. We called the ghoul, I'm sorry, the mid-wife, she said she'd be there in about an hour. No doctor was called. The whole neighborhood knew what we were doing. They lined the fence in the back yard. People were ringing the doorbell to check on her. Sue's mom was there,her sister and brother. When Sue's mom get's nervous, she cleans. I had the cleanest kitchen in the world.

 

I was set. I knew exactly what my job was. I had frozen the orange juice and broke it into little chips. This was for my wife when her mouth got dry. I heard the mid-wife say 6 cm. I had no idea what that meant. So,basically my job was to keep the neighbors informed. They all wanted to know how I was doing,too. Hey,I was great. I was just waiting on Sue to ask me to rub her shoulders. This was a very important task I took seriously.

We can't have any tension. It wasn't long before my name was called.

 

 

"Ray,Sue needs her shoulders massaged." The mid-wife instructed me.

 

I rushed in,took my place behind her. She was on the floor leaning back against the couch.I was ready. I was pumped. Maybe I was too pumped.

 

"RAY!!!" Stop it!! Your hands are too rough." The mid-wife pretty much knocked me off the couch and took my place.

 

"Oh yes, that's so much better." Sue sighed.

 

I admit I was a little pissed,because I really thought she would like a deep tissue massage. Oh well,I had the orange chips. How could I screw that up?

I decided to take matters in my own hands. This was my baby,too. I grabbed the colander filled with frozen orange chips and put it in front of her to wet her mouth. She immediately threw up at the site of frozen orange chips. The mid-wife shooed me away.

 

"Damn it".."This is what you told me was my job!!" I said, under my breath.

 

I stormed outside and lit a cigarette. How's Sue ?" "Is she close?" I was turned into a messenger boy.
"I think we're getting close." I said,clueless.

Just then I got the call from the midwife.

 

"Ray,get in here,"She's crowning."

 

"Crowning ?"

This sounds important. I ran in not knowing what I was going to see. Hell,she may have a Tiara sprouting from her head. Instead I saw what looked like the top of a head. I turned into a cheer leader.

"Come on,Honey" I see something coming, I think it's our baby!!!" It was then the doctor came walking in. Perfect timing.

 

"Push,Push,harder..push harder. In one split second something came out. Sue shouted,

"What's he look like,honey?"

 

"It looks like a baby head" I replied. She felt the release and thought our son was out. The doctor instructed me to slide my finger gently under his armpit and tug slowly. Sue was still unaware our baby wasn't out,yet.

"Ray,what's he look like?" Stumped for an accurate description,I blurted out.

 

 

"Honey,we got us a baby head. We can roll it around to our friends" "We could play pitch and catch." Sue was in no mood for humor. Then,like a mystical undefinable act of God,my son slid out. I don't care what anyone try's to tell you, a new born baby looks like a bird. But,omigod what a breathtakingly beautiful baby bird. I broke down like a baby. I was crying so hard when I placed the baby on Sue's stomach.

I had to run outside and tell our neighbors that still lined the fence.

 

"We have our baby son." I tried to say through my tears. There is no other experience in life that compares to watching the birth of your child. If you're a man, to be the first one to touch your son can never be explained. I went back in. Everyone was crying. I also found out I had one more act to perform....the bellybutton. I did NOT want to do this. What if I screwed up ?

 

I've seen some pretty gross belly buttons. The doctor gave me the scissors and told me where to cut. All I could think of was messing up.

What if it looks like a penis ? He'll never forgive me. He'll be a freak of nature.

 

I cut the cord. I layed my head on Sue's stomach. I've never seen her so happy. He was born at 5 PM. They stayed up almost all night. I was in bed by 6:30 PM. I couldn't handle another second. I was worn out.

 

Oh..the placenta?

 

Triple bagged and put in an airtight trash can. I remember excusing myself to lay down. No-one seemed to care. They had someone else to keep them occupied. I remember feeling so exhausted as my head hit the pillow.

 

I was no-longer Ray the husband. I helped create a life. I was a father. When we woke up we would be parents. I would forever be a dad, and Sue, a mother. Life would never be the same. Watching and being the first hand to touch my son was a miracle. Surviving the teen years was also a miracle. 

 

 

 

 

(C)     "Copyright 1/11/2007 by Ray Neighbor"

Reviews

[Angel Bird]

What a wonderful write. It made me laugh and smile so much, ... and moistened my eyes in the end.
The part with the Placenta is priceless!!!

Yes the most intensive experience in life is the birth of our children. I think nothing can compare with that.

Rain - you are a highly gifted man. I so love your writing style!

Thanks so much for making my time so worthwhile with this awesome story.

[J. Hampton]

Ray

You write straight from the lap-of-life. A riot..
full of honesty...and all the real-time accounts of very life changing experiences.

How many husbands tried the home birth deal under duress...but how many would retell it like it was.
I had natural birth in hospitals...but I rmember thre birthing classes making the entire thing seem so earthy and natural

...easy like meditation..." My behind " !!!!
...far from easy ...but worth it
we had some funny "keeper"-moments as well...

luv ya...Blessssssssssssssss

[Christel Grady]

Here, I thought I'd already commented on this piece! I read this one the other day & literally almost died laughing! I actually choked on my beverage, and had 3 people in my office at my desk, checking to make sure I was still breathing! LOL! Anyway, I put off the read for a few days, as I was extrememly busy, and the notion of home birthing kind of freaks me out! I'm all for doing a lot of things naturally, but childbirth?! I'm the type that would imagine every possible scenario, and then opt for drugs!!! But once again, you had me cracking up! I could visualize the scenario so well! This was a truly stellar piece! I'm stil "ew" over the placenta-thing! WTF?! They ATE it?! Some things I will never understand!

[poddar kushal]

on the second reading i dare to congratulate you on another good read.

[E. M. Murren]

LOL being from California, I heard about the placenta beneath plants thing... if it was a girl it was a rose bush and a boy, a pommagranate tree. Hippies did a lot of fun things like that. Eating, I only read about and cringed. Some people take things too far. This was a fun story. Birthing stories are always fun. I had 19 1/2 hours of induced labor and then had a c-section... my daughter still gets teased about that. It makes a fun guilt trip which no one takes seriously. LOL Well done.

[Papa Smurf]

I use to take yoga from a midwife she was pretty strange and did some strange things I liked this story and thought it was amusing.

[Valentine]

This is great..reminds me of what my parents must have went through with there first ones..The last ones were born in a hospital..You write such interestinf pieces..God bless..valentine

[Kyle]

What a fantastic way to express becoming a father!! I was there for both of my kids births and that is such an amazing part of life to bear witness to. You have made me remember many things by reading this, simply put, your writing of this is perfectly told. Interesting enough are the years of teenagers, now there is another story.

[R J Askew]

You work many aspects of life into your stories and this is no exception, with life literally bursting from it! Reminded me of many moments from three visits to the birthing wards or London hospitals...never did the home birth thing...and was spared the placenta issue. And the third birth I missed altogether as my first-born broke her leg the day before and I was in a different hospital 30 miles away! Happy days! This was very uplifting and such a contrast to the Brick'n story.

[Kelly D. Burris]

This my friend was hysterical! I went to a Hospital with a birthing room when I had our kids. The placenta must have this weird and mezmerizing effect on all medical personell, even in hospitals, but no one ever asked me if I wanted it for dinner!? Over the top there!
Yes, all women need a Tiara after childbirth anywhere, as far as I'm concerned. "Deep tissue massage", that's probably what got you there in the first place. HMMMMM. How's his belly button by the way????
Enjoyed every minute! Thanks.
Kelly

haha it just makes me want to say awww and ewwww and laugh all at the same time:
""Have any of you thought what you'd like to do with your placenta?" The mid wife asked, like she was asking where we parked our car.
What?????????????. I confess it never entered my mind,but how many options do you have??"
Oh I was nearly in hysterics and especially: I knew I was in a cult, ahhhh that has to go into film!:p But for all it's humour there is a real sweet touchingpoint behind it- and that's what's important!:D The style of this was all very amusing, and the way you pulled it all back to the placenta ta the end...... well- who else could have goten away with it eh?:P xx