Dumb People

I am dumb. I've been dumb all my life. My dad and mom were dumb, and both my brothers are dumb. We come from a long line of dumb people.

   

I rolled out of bed this morning, like I have thousands of other mornings..kind of feeling my way down the wall, not wanting to open my eyes, not all the way, not just yet. I turned left and by habit flipped the bathroom switch, and found myself looking at the " Monster from the Black Lagoon."

 

Jesus Christ, who in the hell is in my bathroom.. not me. No damn way can that reflection be me. I splashed some water on my face.

I took a towel and just rubbed it violently back and forth across my face.

 

"Yea, that's better! " Now, I have a clearer view of this strange creature standing in the mirror. I did a quick minute and a half shave...jumped in the shower, washed my hair, another minute and a half.

I dried off, ran a brush through my hair, looked in the mirror, and thought...Yea, I know that guy.

 

I reached for my Jell, which by the way, is the same color can as my shaving cream. Next thing you know, I'm looking at a guy with a mass stream of shaving cream on the side of my head. The moral ?

I'm dumb.

 

Dumb people never know they're dumb. It's like they're always the last to know, or at least the last to admit to it. It's not easy to stand up and confess to being dumb.

 

Get in a room with a hundred people, and ask, "How many of you are dumb?

Nary a hand will be raised. No one likes to confess to what we all know is true. Out of 100 people, you can bet at least 70 % are dumb.

 

Smart people are dumb, too. The difference between smart people and dumb people...is that smart people "know" what they are dumb at, they know their limitations. Dumb people don't admit they have boundaries.

 

Dumb people will have a hammer, screwdriver, and a wrench and say.."I think I'll build a deck."

I'm dumb. I'm not ashamed to confess to it. I have a list of things that can verify it.

 

Like the time I had a huge mass of bees making their home in a pile of dirt that was in the middle of my garden. I had landscaped this huge pile of dirt.

I took a shovel and shaped it like a diamond. It had a nice size walnut tree dead in the middle, and I used old railroad ties to border it, then planted a huge garden on both sides of it. It was beautiful...and then, the bees came in.

I couldn't get to my corn and green beans.

 

It was a brutally hot August day, and I had come up with the Master Plan to rid myself of these bees.  My six year old son was my helper and observer. I was going to burn these little pests out. I dressed in a hooded covered pull over, and a thick pair of gloves. I kind of looked like Clark Griswall.

My plan ?

Simple...I would fill a large container of gas, pour it down the hole they all came out off, get a "long" stick, set the end of the stick on fire and shove it into the hole..and "GOOD BYE BEE'S!!

 

I ran in quick, dumped almost a half gallon of gas into the hole, then ran over to my son who held the stick. I told him to get waaaaay back, as I dashed to the top of the hill. The bee's were going in from the side. I had sweat pouring off of me, but I slowly reached the flaming end on the stick down to the hole.

 

Now, smart people would know that bees have more than one hole they enter and exit...not me. There must have been a  half dozen holes and I was standing right over them. All I remember was this massive SWUSHING sound, and then feeling I was in Dante's furnace. I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE!!

 

Fire engulfed me, six foot high flames shot up all around me. I leaped through through the wall of fire, and ran for the safety of the yard.

 My son yelled out,

"Dad, are you ok? I could hear the fear in his voice.

 

"Yea, Yea, I'm ok", I said with my voice shaking as much as his.

"Dad ? Did you mean for that to happen" ? He asked.

"Oh yea, I lied, I knew that was going to happen."

My son looked skeptical.

 

" Son, you see why I tell you to never mess with gas ?" I said, trying to divert his attention away from my near dumb death experience.

 

Then there was the time I spent six hours putting Joey's new crib together, in the living room, only to find I couldn't get it in his room. And no, it didn't take just unscrewing a couple screws. I had to almost dismantle the whole damn thing.

As I stood there wiping the shaving cream from my head, I thought how easy it is to spot dumb people. They are the ones at the ATM machine with twenty five people waiting behind them.

 

When ATM's first came out, my wife worked for a bank, and would always do the transactions. I was afraid of them.

Ok, screw you. I didn't want to have a line of people behind me. I don't like being humiliated.

Well, one night I waited till around midnight and drove to our local bank. I waited until I knew the coast was clear, leaped out and tried to get my money. When I finally figured it out, I drove home as if I conquered all of Europe.

 

Does it seem to you there are more dumb people than there used to be ? Well, there are. You know why ? Because we have spent trillions of dollars trying to protect them.

I remember one Halloween buying a costume for my kid. He wanted to be Superman. I found one, and just looking it over I ran across this warning in bold black print. It warned my son..

" YOU CANNOT FLY WHEN WEARING THIS OUTFIT.

 

Now, I have to admit my son won't ever be a member of Mensa, but how dumb would you have to be to leap from a roof and find you couldn't fly to a far away place ?

 Some warnings are just not foolish, they fail to understand human nature, like the warning on Q Tips, "Don't use in ears. " What the hell else do you use them for??

Like I said...All people are dumb. Some just naturally know it, accept it, and stay away from situations that would reveal it. That's what smart people do.

 

You remember the Rubic's cube ? There was a time when they were on "everyone's" coffee table. You know where you could always find me? I was in the place furthest away from that little multi colored " make you look stupid" toy. Guys would actually sit with their girl, and pretend they almost had it, but had to go to the bathroom first. Then they would stay in until they were sure she was in another conversation.

It used to crack me up how some guys would sit there trying to impress some girl, until it had crushed him to a humiliating pulp.

 

"Do NOT sit this electrical radio on the edge of the bath tub."

" Do NOT lean this metal ladder close to power lines. "

"Cigarettes are bad for your health, "

 "DO NOT use a half gallon of gas to kill bee's. "

 

There is a message and moral to this write. It is simply this. Our world depends on smart people to take care of it, and the people who live on it, people who know their limitations.

 Some of the dumbest people I've ever seen, run this country, and I mean Republicans AND Democrats, and most are the kind of dumb who don't know they're dumb. And that's dangerous dumb. Your dumb friend, Rain

Reviews

[Jenny Davis]

LOL!!! Rain, I remember this one and reading it for a second time was as fun as the first time! I think the fact that you can make fun of yourself is a great quality as some take themselves way too seriously and that could be hazardous...I laughed at the ending because it is so true...But I don't think you're dumb at all because most dumb people don't even know they're dumb!

Love your dumb friend, Jenny :-)

[PoemRodent]

Good Write!!!! Excellent and filled with much expression. Love it!!!

Dostani

[V. K. Harris]

This reminds me of the time I was cutting the front lawn on my old 1960s Snapper riding lawn mower with handle bar steering where you steer one way and the mower goes the other, two years ago. I was looking cool cruising on my rusted ride when at the same time across the street there was an estate auction going on, I notice they were all looking at me pointing, I figured they were jealous and suddenly I look down and notice the back wheel is on the other side of the yard, yes the wheel fell off. I notice they were giggling, so me being the auto mechanic I am, I go and put a cinder block under the lawn mower like some little kid working on his "Big Wheel". I look over and now they are pointing laughing and I swear I thought I saw someone taking pictures of my foolish a*s working on my Big Wheel, Uh I mean Lawn Mower. Well I got it fixed and finished the yard and it didn't hit me until later how stupid I looked so after that, I never mowed the front yard with the "Monster Snapper" again. It still runs to this day....behind a privacy fence.
Excellent write, brother.

[Christel Grady]

Oh Rain, this is wonderful! Laughing my a*s off! Had to spell it out.....this is THAT good!

[Dezaraye]

Ray! I remember this one and this had me laughing just as hard the second time around. Hehehe. I'm dumb ... and I know it. Just as an example ... my family and I drove to Las Vegas once from here. It's about an 8 hour drive down the entire length of Utah. Well, I'd only been down that far once before and it was dark. So, in St. George, UT, there are cactus plants that are planted in the midway for the road. I got so excited to see a "real" cactus that I said, "Wow! Look, cactus in the wild." I thought my family was going to die from laughing so hard.

And another ... on the same trip in the hotel. My sister and I were going back to our room after dinner. We were staying on the very top floor, so when we got in the elevator, I pressed every single button just for fun and because I'd always wanted to. So, picture this, an 18-year-old girl in an elevator around 11:00 at night. Naturally, the elevator stopped on every single floor. Well, on one floor, the elevator stopped and the lights went out on all the buttons, so I jumped out of the elevator like I was on fire ... when I finally got back to our floor, there was my sister waiting for me laughing her fool head off.

Dumbness ... gotta love it!

Love,
Your dumb friend, Dezaraye.

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No one looks like Clark Griswald LOL Ray this is priceless and true! Unkind, but true! Tasteless, but true!
Horrendous, but true! OMG, I laughed all the way through this romp in the diddly park, very well said with emphasis completely on nitwits, I must repost Eddie The Expert, he would fit into this lot really well...
Kudos and thanks for the belly-laugh...
Cheers,
Helen :-)))))))))))

[Christina2]

I love this, I, being one of the dumb ones also, related to this write and am not ashamed to admit my dumbness. haha!!

[Carole]

You are such a card, but what can I say? I love you and love what you write about. You can't get much more down to earth than this, Rain. Just sayin' like it is. Yes, there are a lot of dumb people in this world. Some of us can admit areas that we are weak in and some of us can't--but everybody-EVERYBODY has good points. I know my limitations and weaknesses and I'm not afraid to admit it. It's the ones that can't admit their weaknesses that have issues. A little pride maybe?

Thanks for the laugh...Laughter is good medicine. Always has been, always will be. :-)

[Azaradelle]

This story made me smile. Most, if not all of what you say is true. But i suppose we're all dumb in our own way.
I remember one time my heavy duty staple gun wouldn't shoot the staples out. My solution was to point it to my face and fire, so i could see what was going on. When i realised what i'd done, i froze, touched my face, sighed in relief and said "Oh... my... god..."
Not one of my brightest moments.
I'm glad i read this. It was uniquely written. Well done.

Yrs.

Another 'dumb' reviewer,

Azaradelle.

[Vagus]

That is some great writing! I agree, there are people who are dumb, people who don't realize they are dumb, and people that realize they are dumb and pretend not to be. Very humorous writing!

[thecoolone52]

ehy bees must be on everyone's mind tonight... some other guy wrote about bees.... anyway it was a good humerous piece... im one of those guys who had trouble with the atm when i realized it was a touch screen and that realization took me 10 mins to realize and my friends were making fun of me and pissed that it took me so long.... hahaha anyway good write i enjoyed it