Dumb People

I am dumb. I've been dumb all my life. My dad and mom were dumb, and both my brothers are dumb. We come from a long line of dumb people.

   

I rolled out of bed this morning, like I have thousands of other mornings..kind of feeling my way down the wall, not wanting to open my eyes, not all the way, not just yet. I turned left and by habit flipped the bathroom switch, and found myself looking at the " Monster from the Black Lagoon."

 

Jesus Christ, who in the hell is in my bathroom.. not me. No damn way can that reflection be me. I splashed some water on my face.

I took a towel and just rubbed it violently back and forth across my face.

 

"Yea, that's better! " Now, I have a clearer view of this strange creature standing in the mirror. I did a quick minute and a half shave...jumped in the shower, washed my hair, another minute and a half.

I dried off, ran a brush through my hair, looked in the mirror, and thought...Yea, I know that guy.

 

I reached for my Jell, which by the way, is the same color can as my shaving cream. Next thing you know, I'm looking at a guy with a mass stream of shaving cream on the side of my head. The moral ?

I'm dumb.

 

Dumb people never know they're dumb. It's like they're always the last to know, or at least the last to admit to it. It's not easy to stand up and confess to being dumb.

 

Get in a room with a hundred people, and ask, "How many of you are dumb?

Nary a hand will be raised. No one likes to confess to what we all know is true. Out of 100 people, you can bet at least 70 % are dumb.

 

Smart people are dumb, too. The difference between smart people and dumb people...is that smart people "know" what they are dumb at, they know their limitations. Dumb people don't admit they have boundaries.

 

Dumb people will have a hammer, screwdriver, and a wrench and say.."I think I'll build a deck."

I'm dumb. I'm not ashamed to confess to it. I have a list of things that can verify it.

 

Like the time I had a huge mass of bees making their home in a pile of dirt that was in the middle of my garden. I had landscaped this huge pile of dirt.

I took a shovel and shaped it like a diamond. It had a nice size walnut tree dead in the middle, and I used old railroad ties to border it, then planted a huge garden on both sides of it. It was beautiful...and then, the bees came in.

I couldn't get to my corn and green beans.

 

It was a brutally hot August day, and I had come up with the Master Plan to rid myself of these bees.  My six year old son was my helper and observer. I was going to burn these little pests out. I dressed in a hooded covered pull over, and a thick pair of gloves. I kind of looked like Clark Griswall.

My plan ?

Simple...I would fill a large container of gas, pour it down the hole they all came out off, get a "long" stick, set the end of the stick on fire and shove it into the hole..and "GOOD BYE BEE'S!!

 

I ran in quick, dumped almost a half gallon of gas into the hole, then ran over to my son who held the stick. I told him to get waaaaay back, as I dashed to the top of the hill. The bee's were going in from the side. I had sweat pouring off of me, but I slowly reached the flaming end on the stick down to the hole.

 

Now, smart people would know that bees have more than one hole they enter and exit...not me. There must have been a  half dozen holes and I was standing right over them. All I remember was this massive SWUSHING sound, and then feeling I was in Dante's furnace. I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE!!

 

Fire engulfed me, six foot high flames shot up all around me. I leaped through through the wall of fire, and ran for the safety of the yard.

 My son yelled out,

"Dad, are you ok? I could hear the fear in his voice.

 

"Yea, Yea, I'm ok", I said with my voice shaking as much as his.

"Dad ? Did you mean for that to happen" ? He asked.

"Oh yea, I lied, I knew that was going to happen."

My son looked skeptical.

 

" Son, you see why I tell you to never mess with gas ?" I said, trying to divert his attention away from my near dumb death experience.

 

Then there was the time I spent six hours putting Joey's new crib together, in the living room, only to find I couldn't get it in his room. And no, it didn't take just unscrewing a couple screws. I had to almost dismantle the whole damn thing.

As I stood there wiping the shaving cream from my head, I thought how easy it is to spot dumb people. They are the ones at the ATM machine with twenty five people waiting behind them.

 

When ATM's first came out, my wife worked for a bank, and would always do the transactions. I was afraid of them.

Ok, screw you. I didn't want to have a line of people behind me. I don't like being humiliated.

Well, one night I waited till around midnight and drove to our local bank. I waited until I knew the coast was clear, leaped out and tried to get my money. When I finally figured it out, I drove home as if I conquered all of Europe.

 

Does it seem to you there are more dumb people than there used to be ? Well, there are. You know why ? Because we have spent trillions of dollars trying to protect them.

I remember one Halloween buying a costume for my kid. He wanted to be Superman. I found one, and just looking it over I ran across this warning in bold black print. It warned my son..

" YOU CANNOT FLY WHEN WEARING THIS OUTFIT.

 

Now, I have to admit my son won't ever be a member of Mensa, but how dumb would you have to be to leap from a roof and find you couldn't fly to a far away place ?

 Some warnings are just not foolish, they fail to understand human nature, like the warning on Q Tips, "Don't use in ears. " What the hell else do you use them for??

Like I said...All people are dumb. Some just naturally know it, accept it, and stay away from situations that would reveal it. That's what smart people do.

 

You remember the Rubic's cube ? There was a time when they were on "everyone's" coffee table. You know where you could always find me? I was in the place furthest away from that little multi colored " make you look stupid" toy. Guys would actually sit with their girl, and pretend they almost had it, but had to go to the bathroom first. Then they would stay in until they were sure she was in another conversation.

It used to crack me up how some guys would sit there trying to impress some girl, until it had crushed him to a humiliating pulp.

 

"Do NOT sit this electrical radio on the edge of the bath tub."

" Do NOT lean this metal ladder close to power lines. "

"Cigarettes are bad for your health, "

 "DO NOT use a half gallon of gas to kill bee's. "

 

There is a message and moral to this write. It is simply this. Our world depends on smart people to take care of it, and the people who live on it, people who know their limitations.

 Some of the dumbest people I've ever seen, run this country, and I mean Republicans AND Democrats, and most are the kind of dumb who don't know they're dumb. And that's dangerous dumb. Your dumb friend, Rain

Reviews

[Jenny Davis]

LOL!!! Rain, I remember this one and reading it for a second time was as fun as the first time! I think the fact that you can make fun of yourself is a great quality as some take themselves way too seriously and that could be hazardous...I laughed at the ending because it is so true...But I don't think you're dumb at all because most dumb people don't even know they're dumb!

Love your dumb friend, Jenny :-)

[Matthew D. Ford]

Just plain hilarious. I was trying to find some more funny essays to inspire me and this is great. I am proud to be smart. Don't worry, I will take care of you. Just kidding.

[vinny ciambriello]

It's okay, but the dumb things you write about, with the exception of the bee fiasco, don't prove your point. I don't find people dumb at all. We all do stupid things but most of the time we do quite well. This wouldn't matter if you were more convincing with your premise. I can think of things many times dumber and funnier than these. Nevertheless, not too bad. I'd suggest though that you edit your writing.

[lindsey]

Literal LOL at this one. Wow, really spot on in regards to acknowleding your 'dumbness'. And LOL @ the dangerous dumb. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

[G]

Reminds me of my encounter with bees. Not as funny as your but mine sure stung like hell. Your stories and a cup of joe....priceless.

[~Wandering Soul~]

HAHAHAHA this was great loved it
:)

[Angel Baby]

Interesting write never took being dumb so seriously before guess I never looked at how dumb I could be.This sure made me laugh when I thought of the dumb things I have done in my life. Guess all us smart people belong to this club of dumb people....LOL P.W.

[Aspiring Angel]

ROTFL you could be a stand up comedian here. This was so delightful to read! I won't even begin to tell you the dumb things I have done in my life and continue to do. Just this past week I was looking all over for the fresh spegettie I knew I had bougth. I finally found that I had put it in the freezer package and all. Want to hand me my sign yet? Oh I got a million of em. This was really kind of a comfort to read. LOL

Hugs,
Lesa

[John Stussy]

Hahaha!! Rain this was wonderful! I've fallen prey to the dreaded rubic's cube. Whoever made it was a cruel person indeed. And better not get me started on atms.... I have bad luck with them.

[emmajoy]

First time I read this - on the outside I was smiling, laughed a couple of times too, then, realised there were tears inside of me. You've hit the dumbness in all of us bang! wallop! on the head ... except you have the gift of putting it down on paper/up on the screen - which just goes to prove that you ain't so dumb!

Great story, touching, funny in its way - and honest whether fact or fiction.

[sherra.]

I love this!!!