My one night as a Stand up Comedian.

I've always wanted to know what it felt like..so I did it.

    

There is something odd that happens to you, when you are diagnosed with a terminal cancer. Of course, the first question is "How long do I have ? "

No one ever seems to want to give you a straight answer.

" I think I've been able to give you a year, after that, no one can be sure," my surgeon said, with a solemn look.

Then he looked at me. He had become my friend,

 

"You have a 10 % chance to reach two years." " We just know it will come back, Ray, and there's a 96 % statistics for that." " So smoke if you want, eat what you want, live your life the way you want," he said, shaking hands in our familiar way..banging fists.

 

The odd thing that happens, is that all of a sudden you feel liberated. I can't explain it. I never got angry, bitter, or regretful. I didn't follow the steps they said I'd climb. Oh. I fought depression, but most of that was because they took half my pancreas, which threw my chemical balance off.

 

After my third year of survival I was asked to come out to LA and speak at their huge fundraiser. Kelsey Grammar would be there, Maria Shriver, and a host of other stars. But, I found out they would arrive on Saturday. They wanted me to do my speech Friday night at the pre-party celebration. There would be approximately three hundred people there, mostly surgeons, researchers, fundraisers, caretakers and of course some patients.

Julie, the coordinator, wanted me to speak on surviving PC. But, something in me had another idea, a secret little dream I had tucked away.

 

All my life, I watched standup comedians work their craft, and thought how cool it would be to make a room full of strangers laugh. I had absolutely no experience doing standup, except making small groups of friends at party's laugh. But, that's the liberation I was talking about. Even without experience I wanted to try it.

 

It was in May I got the invitation to speak, and the event was in Nov. The event was being held at the Beverly Hilton, in the same place they held the Golden Globe Awards.

Fortunately, I knew an ex comedy writer who worked in LA for years. She wrote for several big shows, "Facts of Life," and "Married with Children." She was the only female writer on Married with Children, and she hated it. I didn't like either of the two, but she also wrote Plays, which were Produced and had some success. She knew many very important people connected with writing and Hollywood. I called her.

 

I told her what I wanted to do, and she was blown away, and offered to help me through the whole process. I had met her through the John Hopkins pancreatic cancer board. Her mother died from the disease. She had read my writing's on the board, where I seldom talked of cancer, but wrote about death in a different way.

 

My first task was to think of something funny to talk about. This is a deadly disease and finding humor connected to it was difficult. This was my second time out to the event, and walking into the Hilton for the first time is something you never forget. I decided to write about my first experience in Hollywood, and at the Hilton. I wrote mainly about trying to be cool when I was just a simple mid western guy, who had never wore a tux, never tipped, and was basically overwhelmed by Hollywood.

 

I worked on this routine for months, sending Claudia bits and pieces as I wrote. I begged her to be honest, because it could end up being a very humiliating situation. I went to her house, which was only a half hour away. We talked about comedy, what made people laugh, what was taboo, how to carry myself. She was great. She was so naturally funny, and she gave it all up. She was very well known in LA and New York. She made me feel comfortable with what I was going to attempt. She also reminded me of how hard comedians work on their art, trying it out in small clubs, something I wasn't willing to do.

 

She was now married to a doctor, and living her life deep in the suburbs, her writing just a memory of another time.

I practiced in front of the mirror. I practiced in the car driving down the highway, and at work. I prepared myself. I learned the routine, until it was like saying my name. With about a month to go, I called Claudia and asked her to come over and let me do it in front of her, just me and Claudia, in my family room. I was more nervous with just Claudia sitting there than I thought I'd be.

 

As I got ready to perform, it hit me how difficult this was going to be. No experience..doing it in front of a professional. What was I thinking ? Could I really pull this off ? That's when the real reality of what I was about to do struck me.

" Come on, Ray, just do it," she said, seeing my panic. I told her to time me. Julie told me a ten minute speech, that she had a schedule to follow. There were other speakers, one a top Oncologist from John Hopkins. I took a deep breath, and started.

 

In the first twenty seconds she laughed out loud. It was an honest laugh. I was off. I don't even remember what I said, when it was over, but she laughed in all the right spots. I was so nervous I didn't remember if I screwed up, or not.

" Wow, Ray, you've got to do this. It was hilarious." She said, still smiling.

" Fourteen minutes," she blurted out.

" What ?" I said, in disbelief. " Claudia, I can cut a little off, but I can't take four minutes off it," I told her, honestly

 

" Ray, just do it, I've been to hundreds of these things, they always run late." She said, in a reassuring voice.

 

Before I knew it, it was Nov 3rd, Friday night. In about an hour I was about to step out on stage, without ever having experienced the feeling, and put myself right dab on front street. Now, the nervousness was starting to show itself. I paced around in the hotel room, half listening to my wife telling me I was going to do great. I just kept thinking to myself, Hey, this is your one and only chance to do this, before the Deal goes Down (Dylan).

I've been humiliated before, I thought. Life is nothing but a thousand ways to make a fool of yourself. I smoked one last cigarette and looked at Sue.

 

"You ready?" I asked.

" Honey, don't worry,ok ?" You are going to make them laugh, just be yourself." She said, having full confidence in me.

 Julie was the first to greet us. The place was starting to fill up. The actor from "Passion's" was setting up the mic. I only remember his first name..Robert. He was the handsome black guy. We had made friends the year before, because he was from Cincinnati.

I was freaking out about the time of my routine. I had to talk to Julie. I caught her as she was rushing past.

 

"Julie, I need to talk with you for sec," I said, as she passed. I could tell she was in a hurry and very busy. I stood up, kind of walked her away from the crowd.

"Julie, I have to ask you a favor." "Can I have four more minutes, I really need it to do my speech," I said, knowing she had no idea what I was planning.

 

" OH NO, she almost shouted. " Ray, we have this planned out to the minute." "I'm sorry," she said , as she dashed off.

My mind started spinning. I had worked so hard on this, but I wasn't the kind who liked upsetting people either. I thought about just going up there and saying, " I'm happy to be alive and grateful for all that PanCan's done, then dash back to my table. No one would know, but Sue and me. But, as I sat there, I remembered what Claudia had said. She knew Julie and knew she was something of a control freak.

 

The room was almost filled, close to three hundred people. Julie had told me months ago that this was a celebration of life, held before the major money maker. People were here for a good time. Julie came rushing by. I decided to try one more time.

" Julie," I said, as I got up to approach her.

" Ray, you're first, I'm introducing you in a couple minutes," she said, as she started to walk away.

"Julie," I said, as I reached out and touched her hand.

" Please, let me have just a few extra minutes," I said, almost pleading.

She stood for a second, then said, " Ok, and good luck."

 

Within minutes Julie was standing at the microphone. My heart was racing so fast.

"Ladies and Gentleman, it's with great pleasure I introduce one of the most popular posters on the cancer board, and a three year survivor..Ray Neighbor."

 

I remember hearing applause, and I remember saying,

 " I'm not going to talk about cancer, tonight. I think we've all heard enough

about that subject.

"Tonight, I'm going to talk about something completely different." " I want to tell you about my trip here last year, and how I tried so hard to be cool....

They started laughing in the first couple lines. It was a gift to see them "really" laugh. It was over before I knew what had happened. When I was done, they ALL stood and applauded, and it was genuine.

 

I did it!! For one night, no matter what else happened, or when it happened, I felt that feeling. It was an incredible night, a night that I can always say,

" Yea, I'm a standup comedian."

Truthfully, what did I have to loose ? You get humiliated, no-body laughs, you feel like hanging yourself, you can't look anybody in the eyes, you'll be haunted by the embarrassing moment for the rest of your life...sounds to me the way life goes, anyway.

Reviews

[THE BLACK SEAL]

that is friggin fantastic congrats my friend

[Otter]

Ray, you brought tears to my eyes, I lost my best friend to PC in 2000. The doctor told him he had 30 to 60 days, he didn't make 30. I drove to Dothan and slept on the floor next to his bed. People told me I was such a good friend to drive all the way from Vermont to be with him, I wasn't such a good friend, he was.

[Gary H]

That's brilliant. The only time I have managed such a feat is a time when I was given an award for the best sales increase for the particular company I was working for. That morning I failed to wash, slept most of the journey to the conference and slept through the boring presentations - until my name was called. I had no idea what I was being called out for. Somewhat dishevelled I collected a bottle of Champagne said something funny that made an audience of 300-400 people laugh and disappeared....
Whilst in no way as bright as your evening reading this did remind me of past times and how strange it felt to make so many people amused - purely by accident - at least you were more methodical!