When I think of you...

More of a prosetry

Flick. Woosh. The familiar sound of a long-term death sentence sparking to life like an active electric chair inviting you to take a seat. At least the cushion looks comfortable, right? Bittersweet poison passing the lying lips of a sinner looking for a way out for a moment, filling your lungs to choke out all the words you forgot to say this time. This time. Would there be a next time? The man dismissed the question with a tip of his fedora, dodging the unholy lamplight of flickering fluorescent bulbs on an abandoned street like they were the righteous radiance of God come to punish him for his transgressions, as if he hadn't had enough of that. Too soon, he thought, too soon.

Pause. Inhale. Let the wispy rivulets of smoke seep from his throat into the hauntingly still air of the night, thick rings dissipating over his head like a thousand little broken halos fading away in the darkness without a passing thought. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if that's how angels felt, overlooked in plain sight like a lonely little child learning what it is to take that first drag, calming the nerve endings so quickly it couldn't be right. Nothing in life is ever that easy, no, never that easy.

Cough. Choke. Ashes float to the ground ever so slowly, each uniquely soiled little snowflake slowly disappearing into the dirt while a filter falls like a rock from red-hot lips attempting to steal every single nano-gram of nicotine as if survival depended on it, though sanity was more like it. Sin was on his mind again. Why was she always on his mind? Fidgety fingers dug into the front pocket of his jeans, flipping open the top of an empty pack. "S**t, that was my last cigarette."

Author's Note

I'd appreciate ANY AND ALL critique on this piece, the more the better.

Reviews

[Lee]

I thoroughly enjoyed the imagery. It is always nice when I can picture a scene I'm reading clear in my head...

In terms of your writing, I liked the "Flick. Whoosh, Pause. Inhale, Cough, Choke" opening lines. It really divides the paragraphs, disrupting the overall flow a tad, but I couldn't imagine this piece without those lines. It really works and makes sense. It adds that extra something, ya know?

Alright, Well I think you had a run-on sentence going. This makes it hard to keep up at the pace you probably intended for the reader. ok, Right, in the 2nd paragraph you said, "Somewhere in the back of his mind..." --I think it might read better if it was:

"Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if that's how angels felt - overlooked in plain sight, like a lonely little child learning what it is to take that first drag, calming the nerve endings so quickly, it couldn't be right."

Overall, I really like this piece and your style of writing.
Would enjoy reading more. :)

[Raine]

Thank you so much for the review! You actually pointed out the one line I myself felt was a bit lacking. It was very much a run-on, which distracted the flow I was aiming for, and the suggestionyou gavefor it actually seems to fit quite well. I'm very glad you enjoyed this piece, I hope to get the time to upload more of my work soon. Once more, thanks for the constructive criticism, I feel I may edit this piece simply due to that.

[Lee]

No problem, Glad my suggestion was helpful & of use to you.

[a.mareship]

I really enjoyed this - I love run on sentences, bouncing from image to image, very lovely x

[PoeticVandal]

Nice imagery....

[Raven Tempest]

Raine, I really like this. I enjoyed the imagery and was looking forward to reading more...

[Fifi]

Amazing imagery, I can really see it all. Sometimes, the sentences are quite hard to comprehend because the words and sentences are very long. You could try making some of the sentences shorter and varying the word length, to make it easier and more enjoyable to read.

[~loud whispers~]

Wonderful use of words I liked it a lot!

[CLUTZ]

I don't know what to make of this. I definitely liked it, some lines stuck out more then others, like they jumped off the page (or rather the screen.) I'm intrigued, and I understand it, but the way it's written and all the imagery had me confused at first and I had to re - read it a couple times to get what it was you were talking about but I enjoyed it. The only critique I would give is that you should space it a bit more. All your words are stuck together all cramped like (I hope that makes sense.) I feel like you should double sapce maybe, it makes it easier to read. Again I really enjoyed this and I'm glad you decided to share.

[Raine]

First of all,thank you for the comment, I always love hearing what others have to say about my work. On a second note, the words were actually meant to hit in a similar fashion in which you speak. This piece is not so much a narrative, but more like jumbled thoughts in the head of a man on a walk, free-flowing in the sense that it is not, for the patterns of the mind rarely are. Thank you so much for the review, I'll definitely take your words into consideration.

[CLUTZ]

You are welcome P:)

[Panos]

yep. I lit a cigarrette after reading this and really enjoyed it. So it is unhealthy but I really liked the visuals and the pace of it.

[vp79]

I think that the subject matter is unique. I like the imagery and and the last line. This is good. You could add a little bit about the companies and the anti smoking commercials, just a small piece because alot of that would register to smokers. Its good though, I really liked it.

[Raine]

I apologize for the misconception, but this wasn't meant to be a statement. I hate that I smoke, but I'm a smoker. It kills, but its a personal choice.I do appreciate the feedback, thank you so much for taking the time to read it. ~Raine

[vp79]

I knew you were a smoker. I am too. I was just meaning that you could add to it if you wanted too. I see few pieces like it and I liked the imagery.