Angel

Villanelle-I would like suggestions on verbage and style.

 

There is an angel in the garden

White marble eyes do not slumber

Here in this place- a world of Eden

 

As shadows cross her face deepen

A fitting space to sit and ponder

There is an angel in the garden

 

Illusion of pulse comes unbidden

The world around shines with wonder

Here in this place- a world of Eden

 

The girl dreams of wings hidden

Opening wide to soar high yonder

There is an angel in the garden

 

Riding the winds of oblivion

Winged she splits clouds asunder

Here in this place- a world of Eden

 

The bonds of earth are unbroken

Among the stars, not free to wander

There is an angel in the garden

 

An angel feather lightly descends

Landing on the snow in winter

There is an angel in the garden

Here is this place- a world of Eden

Author's Note

This is my attempt at writing a Villanelle. Any suggestions on the style itself would be appreciated. I know this is not Iambic Pentameter, but from reading I noted not all Villanella are written as such.
Feel free to comment of poem verbage, I would like to polish and enter it in a contest.

Reviews

[JLMatthews]

I'm afraid that I don't know what a Villanelle is but I did enjoy reading the piece, and I especially liked the repitition. There is one thing that seemed slightly awkward to me, though : "As shadows cross her face deepen", is seemed like somehting about that wasn't quite right. All in all however it was a wonderful poem.

[Michael]

If you are going for the modern or what is called "French" version, it should be 19 lines long (5 tercets followed by a quatrain . You have the rhyme scheme down well and it does not need to be IP in meter, that is a 20th century addition, in the 19th they tended to use tetrameter. Still the villenlle is all about the rhyme scheme so no worries. If anything could use some tweaking (and I really don't think it does), I would look at the "b" rhymes (slumber...) as some are slant rhymes. That is a small point but I did want to call it to your attention as you wish to enter a contest.

As far as the construction and flow, you have a winner!

Good job.