Unvonerable

 

 

 

 

   Serene woke up screaming her mother's name around sunset, long brown hair glued to her face from the sweat. Tears fell from her ocean blue eyes thinking about her dream. The horror of her past. The last look in her moms aqua eyes wasn't fear for herself, it was fear for her daughter. A mothers love is unlike any other. Though, her past is what keeps her hollow and angry. No matter how many time she kills, she knows she'll never feel completely even. She never want's to feel love, or love someone else. Loving someone else means eventually you'll get hurt, it's Inevitable. Most of the time love is what drives someone insane. Serene doesn't believe she's insane, just heartless. Kicking the red satin covers off of her, she stood up and scanned the room. Nothing has changed from what she can tell. Many people try to get revenge on Serene for things she's done before. Many would pay thousands for her head on a platter, but none of them seem to be either smart enough or stupid enough.

 

   "  Welcome to the jungle it gets worse here everyday. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play. If you got a hunger for what you see, you'll take it eventually. You can have anything you want but you better not take it from me" she sung GnR walking into the kitchen. She swung the fridge open and grabbed a bottle full of fresh blood. She calmly unscrewed the lid, and smiled as the red liquid slid down her throat. She will avenge her mother's death one day, and when she does, she will kill them slowly as she drains every drop from there body in the most painful way possible.

 

   She threw the empty bottle into the trash, and walked into her bathroom. She shook off all her cloths and stepped into the shower. The warm water washed her clean of all the dirt and blood cloaking her body. Smelling like apples she got out and dried her body. She looked in the mirror and smiled at her reflection. Tall, slender, tanned legs, and her body held all the right curves. Many guys hit on her, many of them she's killed. She doesn't regret any of it, being heartless makes you not care. She turned from the mirror, and walked over to her closet. She pulled on a pair of black shorts, a white T-shirt, and converses. Her long brown hair hung in waves, and she applied a bit of make up. Putting her black shades over her eyes, she walked out of the apartment complex.

 

   "What's your name little mama?!" A couple wanna be gangsta's hollered from across the street. The all looked the same to her. Dark complected skin, sagging jeans, and beaded hair. She didn't even wanna touch them, let alone drink from them. One of them left the group and smiled as he approached her.

 

   Grabbing her arm tightly, " I think you should come keep us company Lil Mama."

 

   "Not in your dreams!" she smirked jerking her arm from him. In a swift motion he snatched her arm, and began to drag her over to the others. Something told her other girls have been in this place, and unluckily they didn't get away. They all came over to help their buddy with his prey, smiling with an evil grin placed upon all their faces. As soon as they entered the house and slammed the metal door she smiled. Serenes surroundings looked and smelt like an absolute w***e house. Sex mingled in the air with bits of meth laying on the musty old, worn, red couch.

 

   "No where to go now Lil Mama," the leader smiled his fake gold grill shinning.

 

   "It's exactly how I want it," Serene smiled confusing them all. With one shove all of them hit the walls, and her anger exploded into absolute rage. She could feel the lost girls screaming inside the house. Screaming for freedom, screaming for help. They fueled her rage with each scream bursting through the walls. She picked each wanna-be-gansta up, and crushed their skull ever so slowly. Making them feel their victims pain and suffering. After each punk had met death, she found a couple gas cans planted in the first bedroom. She washed the house down in the gasoline and once outside lit a match.  

 

   "Who am I?" she smiled throwing her long brown hair over her shoulder, " I'm your worst nightmare, B*****s!" She through the match into the house and used her immortal speed to make her get-a-way. 

 

    She stopped in front of a coffee cafe and looked inside. A guy with black hair, blue eyes, and a really pretty smile grabbed her attention instantly. He looked absolutely yummy to her. Maybe a little snack for tonight? She entered the café, and stood in line behind him. Once he seen her, he couldn't look away.

 

   "How are you?" He asked with a smile that lit up the place.

 

   "I'm ok, I was suppose to hang with some friends today, but they ditched last minute," she frowned trying to captivate him with her eyes. Though honestly, she didn't know who was captivating whom!

 

   "Well, actually I haven't got anything to do. So would it be ok if I keep you company?" he asked flashing his stunning smile again. Those baby blue eyes flashed like stars every time he unleashed that charming smile. It made her wanna drink from him more and more. She could barley look away.

 

   "That is a grand idea!" she smiled back taking his hand, and leading him out onto the sidewalk before he had the chance to change his mind. His hand was tough and manly. However, those tough hands won't be able to keep her away from what she want's most at the moment.

 

   "So where to first?" he questioned not letting her hand go. Wow, she must have really compelled him.

 

   "Let's go get some breakfast, mall, and then we can walk in the forest park," she smiled as he nodded in agreement. Just as she wanted. He followed her to a little food joint on the end of town, really close to the forest park. Actually, the same small joint she watched the cheater and w***e in. They settled at a red table with white chairs. Sitting across from each other they both stared at one another. After ordering there waffles and milk the waiter asked for his number. To bad for her he wouldn't be available after tonight. Plus, it's trashy to do that when he's with another girl. Maybe Serene will teach her a little lesson.

 

   "So I don't think I got your name," he said running his hands through his thick ebony hair. It made her yearn for him even more.

 

   "Serene," she answered as the trashy waiter brought them their food. The woman winked at him before walking away. Serene decided to ignore the b***h.

 

   "That's a beautiful name," he smiled, " Mines Sebastian."  Even his name sounded terrific to her! They were both silent as they ate, exchanging small smiles here and there. The more he smiled the more she wanted him. Just the thought of his delightful blood slipping down her throat made her tense.  

 

   "That was a great breakfast," he smiled holding the door open for her.

 

   "Great indeed," she winked slightly brushing his chest as she walked by. He looked wonderful hailing for a taxi. Calm yourself stupid! she thought to herself. Moments later a taxi pulled up, and they climbed inside. She could feel the heat radiating off his muscular body, even though she wasn't even touching him. Chasing the thoughts out of her mind she noticed the cab had stopped. Sebastian opened her door like a gentleman and smiled. He held her hand as they entered the outside mall. She goofed around for hours trying on huge glasses and pointing out trashy bar shirts. He laughed the whole time, and even made a few pathetic comments. The sky started to get shadowy so they left to the mall for the park. They arrived just before dark.

 

   "The sunset is so amazing here isn't it?" he asked looking into the distance. The glow from the setting sun made his face look striking. The sun set and darkness began to fill the streets. Serene thought about their day, and about how much fun she actually had with him. "He makes you feel different, and that makes you vulnerable," she told herself, "Time to drink." She won't make it a game though. She will make this painless and actually enjoyable for him.

 

   "Lets walk deeper into the park," Serene suggested taking his hand. The deeper they went the more guilty she felt. Her subconscious kept telling her no, but her body kept screaming yes.

 

   "Lets stop here," she insisted letting his hand fall. She didn't dare look into his eyes as she leaned in to kiss him. He reacted by pulling her closer. She kissed his lips, his chin, his cheek, and finally his neck. His hands wrapped around her waist as she nibbled there. Taking a quilty breath she sunk her teeth into his pulsing neck.  

 

Author's Note

What happens next? I have a little surprise:) And this is Sebastian!

Reviews

[Hester Vane]

" Welcome to the jungle it gets worse here everyday. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play. If you got a hunger for what you see, you'll take it eventually. You can have anything you want but you better not take it from me" she sung walking into the kitchen." Maybe put the lyrics in italics, just so that is formatted differently than dialogue.

"Many guys hit on her, many of them she's killed." I just really like this line and had to point it out.

When Serene is in her apartment, maybe you could describe the surroundings more to add a bit of atmosphere. I like how she insists to herself over and over that she is cold hearted, it seems like the classic 'thou dost protest too much situation' but maybe if you didn't mention it so much and showed her cold heartedness through her actions it would me more of a shock if Serene ever did something warm heartedly.
I like Sebastian. But maybe when Serene meets him, she could meet him closer to sunset because, even though it is romantic(ish) spending all day with a complete stranger just does not happen. It also gives you too much time to fill in the same chapter without a scene change.

But a great effort and I am intrigued to see where you take the story.

[Amaya Sullivan]

Another character introduced. He sound dreamy! ^_^

" 'What's your name little mama?!' A couple wanna be gangsta's hollered from across the street. The all looked the same to her. Black skin, sagging jeans, and beaded hair. She didn't even wanna touch them, let alone drink from them."

When describing "African-Americans" or "Black Americans" avoid "Black". This could offend a lot of readers of all races. Also, it doesn't do anything for the story. Ultimately, you could leave "Black-skin" out because the narration around it shows us, through accurate stereotypes, the group is of color.

If it you want to keep it, there are more interesting ways to describe people of color. Dark- skin, Brown-skin, or copper skin. If they were Italian, it would be olive-skin or something like that. Caucasians would be pale-skin or tanned-skin depending where your are placing your characters.

Everyone's skin darkens in the South and most people up North their skin lightens. It's because of the proximity they are to the sun of course. If this is a fantasy world, factor its climate. Each race come in different shades.^_^

For more help, I'd google and research how to describe characters of color. ^_^
Or go here: http://nkjemisin.com/2010/02/describing-characters-of-color-3-oppoc/

Remember, everyone will be reading your book. All different types of people. It's a great book so far! You don't want to offend anyone. (I hope not ^_^)

"They settled at a red table with white chairs. Sitting across from each other they both stared at one another. After ordering there waffles and milk the waiter asked for his number."

This would have to be your best description. It's very well written. It's very vivid!

Well, I hope to see more from you! Great with originality. Just reiterate, I'm not a perfect writer, and you are more than welcome to ignore me. Just trying to help and provide honest feedback. Good luck!

Keep Writing!

[RainDancer1997]

No, I love your great advice:)!!

[Amaya Sullivan]

Keep Writing! The more you write and learn, the better you get. Always room for improvement within writing. I learn something new all the time. ^_^

[Avinash]

Made an interesting read. Few words were out of sync.Words like B***h, W***e and Cheater make good ingredient as conversation which characters have not as part of narration. It more sounds like the author is tempted to become a character. But it is just my opinion.

[Dan Fite, Jr.]

That was really good! For me, it moved a little bit quick, though. Overall it was really good but the dialogue between them wasn't as good as it was in the last chapter, and I think that's what hurt it. Maybe be a little bit more descriptive or improve the dialogue? It was a good piece overall, I just felt it moved a little bit to quickly. This is only your first draft though, and you are pretty talented at story-telling, so I figure you'll go back and re-write and add stuff in ;) I'm still really enjoying reading this, and the character is very interesting! As always, keep up the good work!

[despitegreathands]

Great build up to simple but satisfying final sentence. It really does want you to read more about an actual killing vamp.

[Dayran]

A new tie that comes along is secured with a hickey ... what the kids today call a vampire bite. That is not entirely an exaggeration. They say the lick from a lion will remove hair from the arm. Love does have quite a grip on issues ... what it is ... is blood. Great write,

[ron]

Sebastian is one of the charicters in the novle im writing...its also a vampire novel lol. Ok that was not fare to leave us hunging off the cliff like that...lol. Love how the story is going so far.

[Jessica Weed]

Serene is such a calm, pretty name for an evil, blood sucking vampire :) Haha I like the contrast.
I don't really like Serene but I did feel bad for her because of her tragic past. That could make anyone that way.

Overall, the story is really good and you're very descriptive :)

[Jessica Weed]

P.S. especially like the Guns N' Roses reference xD - Rock n Roll :)

[RainDancer1997]

Hahaha I was listening to the song , and I thought that part would kinda match the story.

[Prritiy]

Though honestly, she didn't know who was captivating whom!
.
.
"He makes you feel different, and that makes you vulnerable," she told herself, "Time to drink." She won't make it a game though. She will make this painless and actually enjoyable for him.
The deeper they went the more guilty she felt. Her subconscious kept telling her no, but her body kept screaming yes.

Wow i sense here the prey is Serene, it should be more exciting in the next chapter. love or slayer....
best wishes

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for reading and commenting:)!

[Prritiy]

you are welcome

[Katho28]

This piece was great! I kept reading because I couldn't stop! hehe :) it was very suspenseful... I kept wondering what she was going to do to Sebastian, and then reading the last line, I realised.. Truth be told, I didn't expect that - which is good, because it completely subverted my expectations. Can't wait to read the next chapter! :)

[Christopher Angel]

You didn't need to put the chorus of the song into the dialogue. Dialogue space is important and should only be used sparingly so having 3-4 lines of dialogue which are essentially a song can be quite jarring. The only work around here is if the character herself is singing a song she wrote that is relevant to the mood and theme.

I noticed also, how you completely threw caution to the wind here and went with what you believed real evil looks and feels like. It's a complete polar extreme compared to your other stuff and that's not entirely bad. It's good that you're exploring this facet because it helps you see both sides of the coin better as a writer. Serene is intriguing although her cold and emotionless manner in the beginning made her kind of unlikable.

However, after the second chapter with that bit of back story, I can somewhat see that's traumatized by her mom's death and that she's acting out in a way. Exploring more of that will make her a much more rounded character. It does not matter if people don't like her (she's evil anyway) but it's important that people understand her motivations.

It's a decent start though so hopefully I've helped somewhat :)