A past horror

This is to tell about Serene's childhood.

 

 

   "Mommy! Please don't go!" the little girl cried. Serene didn't want her mom to leave her no matter what danger she was in.

 

   "Baby, I have to. You're in danger just by standing next to me," her mother explained tears sliding down her cheeks. Seeing the tears made Serene cry harder and harder. Serene wrapped her little arms around her moms legs, not letting go for anything.  

 

   "Mommy, nooooo! I need you!" Serene cried blond locks falling in her face. Her mom kept trying to get her grip undone, but Serene wouldn't lessen it any. Both their faces are tear streaked and red from all the crying.

 

   "Baby, look at me," her mother demanded getting on her knees. She took Serene's hands and they both looked into each others   blue teary eyes. Serene smoothed her mom's frosted blonde hair trying to be strong for her mommy.   

 

   "I love you so very much. I love you more than life itself. You are my pride and my joy. I will be in your heart for the rest of your life, and please don't ever forget that! You are so precious, and don't let anyone tell you different! Who are you Serene?" Her mother asked tears falling freely out of her very own blue eyes. Serene almost couldn't answer over the sobs racking her little body.

 

   "I am my mommy's daughter! I am beautiful, I am courageous, and I am wanted," she cried the tears almost making her shake violently. The little girl wrapped her arms around her mother and squeezed her tightly never wanting the embrace to end. She never wanted to let her mommy go!

 

   "So what are you going to do when I leave?" her mom asked her.

 

   "I will hide under the bed until the police comes and gets me. Mom why can't they take you to?!" Serene asked almost pleading for her to do just that.

 

   "You won't be safe until we are far apart, baby girl," she replied standing up.

 

   "I don't want you to leave!" Serene screamed sobs making it harder for her to breathe.

 

   "Be a big girl Serene," her mom begged taking off the heart shaped locket from around her neck, " Wear this everywhere you go and please don't forget about me." She could tell that her mom was trying to hold back the sobs. Serene put the locket on and opened it. A picture of her mother holding her was placed inside. When she looked back up her mom was already by the door.

 

   "Now under the bed you go beautiful girl," her mom told her opening the door. Serene hid far under the bed and silenced her sobs. The door closing signaled that her mom had left. The door reopened and Serene heard her mothers boots before she seen them. Her mother had come back! She had changed her mind! Happiness flooded her heart. That was until she heard the other voices.

 

   "You thought you could just skip out and run, huh?" said a man with a husky voice.

 

   "I was going to get my daughter from her aunts," her mother said trying to keep her voice steady. Serene wanted to crawl out from under the bed and teach that man a lesson for talking to her mommy like that!

 

   "Your payment is due Dawn!" Said another man pulling out a long blade.  She saw her mother take a few steps back and gasp.

 

   "Your daughters next," the other man laughed.

 

   "Don't you touch her!" her mom screamed. Serene heard the blade swing through the air, and she heard the slicing of flesh. Her mother hit the floor eyes staring directly into hers.

 

   "Silent," her mother mouthed before the blade came down again ending her life. Tears forced themselves out of her eyes, but she managed to keep the sobs away until the two men left the apartment. Serene glanced out the window to make sure they were gone before rushing to her mother's side. They had stabbed her right in the heart, a vampires only weakness. Serene spent that night hugging her mothers dead corpse. The cops came twenty minutes later. But they were to late for her mom, the only person that ever meant anything to her.  

Author's Note

I really tried on this chapter so hard. I almost started crying writing this. Picture is of Serene's mother. Ik it's short

Reviews

[Hester Vane]

"out anywhere, and she's relatively nice." The word 'relatively' just seems odd there after you have said how amazing beautiful her mother was.

"and she heard the slicing of flesh." Would a four year old know what the slicing of flesh sounded like?

"But they were to late for her mom, the only person that ever meant anything to her." I would say that to most four year olds there mom is their entire world so I think this phrase is not needed. Maybe something else that is nice and sentimental.

You write great dialogue. I could clearly see how this conversation would go and the emotions behind it. I quite like how this flashback comes after the first scene too. It makes an interesting break in the present narrative.

[Wall of Words]

That was depressingly sad. I mean, here we are, getting to like Serene and then you have to deposit us in to the scene where the most important person in her life gets killed? *sigh*
That said, the chapter was really good. I was full of raw emotion, or the hurt and the pain and I'm assuming it gives us a better picture of exactly who see is. Not to mention a few sympathy points. :)

[Scriptophile]

I have a question on the physics of this scene: If Serene is as far under the bed as she can get, how can she see the knife the man pulls out? Does she hear the knife being pulled from the sheath?

You have a 3rd person POV in this story, but it might keep the reader more in the character's head if you limit the visuals to only what Serene can see from under the bed: her mother's boots moving jerkily along the slit of visible flooring. You can fill in details from other senses: i.e. the sound of the knife in the sheath and the weight and rhythm of the attackers' steps to add depth and tension to the scene.

[N15D]

Great chapter of a flashback! Your writing style is very descriptive and flows. Also the dialogue you write is very advanced in the way you do so, no criticism apart from the punctuation.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very strong chapter. I like the intense feel of the situation. I like the conversation between mother and daughter. The chapter left me with wonder. Little girl held no fear. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[RainDancer1997]

I'm so glad your liking my story so far:-)

[Coyote Poetry]

I will come back in three days and finish. You have my attention. A very good tale.

[RainDancer1997]

Sounds good:-) thanks!

[Riding the Rainbow]

OMG! I cried while reading it..

[MikeV]

Good job! Id make the review longer but I'm anxious
to read the next chapter :)

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ⊱
Hoah ! This is REALLY scary ! Rose would definitely approve. Me ? I just hope the little girl manages to get away ... :o

I did notice you mentioned that stabbing her in the heart killed her. Perhaps. There are presumably only a few ways to kill a vampire, and stabbing of the heart with a non-silver weapon may not be so effective.

http://www.gods-and-monsters.com/how-to-kill-a-vampire.html

To add to the chapter, if the men that need their 'payment' are aware she is a vampire, they could emphasize that it is a silver weapon.

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks:)! And I'll defiantly check into it:) And I've added details and such to the other chapters:)

[dw817]

Absolutely. Keep me posted ! I do answer all RR's, just might take me a-while as I'm approaching 100 ! Keeping my busy ... :q

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks:) And I will deff read the rest of your story just been busy back and forth with my mom and new school junk

[dw817]

Take your time. We are given 24-hours into each of our days. I'm pretty sure whomever the creator is, wherever She may be, wants use to use a good number of them doing nothing at all, but to relax, take it easy, and count our blessings we have gotten as far as we have in the world as we have with as little mishap as we did. :)

[RainDancer1997]

thanks:) I agree:)

[ms.seliz]

Very good chapter. I liked how from chapter one to chapter two you've already added dynamic to the character. I did notice some grammar errors, but the only two that distracted from the story a little were,

"Your payment is dew (due) Dawn!" Said another man pulling out a long blade.

and

"Be a big girl Serene," her mom begged taking off the heart shaped locket from around her neck, " Where (wear) this everywhere you go and please don't forget about me."

Sorry if these are errors that were already pointed out, I only read the first page of reviews on this. Anyways, overall this is a really great read :)

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for showing me that:) And thanks for reading!!

[ms.seliz]

No problem, I enjoyed reading it! :)

[Allison Lyndel]

I loved this chapter :) What can i say more I will defidently be keeping my eye out for more of your stuff and I deffidently will be reading on and studying your work. :)

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks so so much:)!!

[Douglas White]

Nothing wrong with a short chapter. Other than some minor punctuation issues (a few places could probably use commas), I thought this was excellent and quite intriguing. Having just read this, now I have to go read the rest. See what you started? :^p