The Lions Game

Lets play a game!? It's called death!

           

 

 

         She watched him intently, like a lion does to his game. He walked into a sports bar and sat down next to a blond woman with a strange looking tattoo across her face. She could hear their every word, and she could even smell the sweat rolling off his neck. Serene could almost feel his sweet blood trickling down her dry throat. It made her a little hazy at the thought of it. She watched him sip at his black coffee, and listened to their conversation.

 

   "She doesn't suspect anything, Mary," he laughed kissing her cherry red lips. His longish brown hair touched her tattoo as they kissed.

 

   "I guess you can come over to my house tonight then?" she smiled poking out her chest showing off her big breast. Tramp, Michelle thought to herself!

 

   Serene didn't think she was gonna get two mortals to play her game tonight. How lovely, she thought! Serene quickly threw her long brunette hair behind her shoulders, and stood as she watched the couple leave there seats. When they opened the door, their scent exploded into the air. Serene could smell coffee, sex, and Chanel perfume. Her plan was beginning to blossom perfectly! She smiled as they entered the forest park. A lot of people took this short cut. The park's filled with oak tree's, wild flowers, and different tiny animals. Which meant Serene is the only large predator around. She entered the park, and the Lions Game began!

 

   "You're never suppose to cheat on someone, karmas a b***h!" Serene laughed walking up behind the couple. The two stopped immediately and whirled around in confusion.  

 

   "Who are you?!" they snapped a bewildered expression written across their faces .

 

   "Now don't act mean yet! The game hasn't even begun!" Serene giggled showing them her milky white fangs. The woman instantly shrieked and fainted. Wow, what a surprise! The man stared at her and smiled. He kept his cool and walked up to her.

 

   "You just want to be loved," he smiled brown eyes glistening.

 

   "You have five seconds to run before I drink you dry. It's called the "Lions Game". It's the game of death!" she smiled as his smile vanished and a look off horror washed over his face. He looked down at the petite w***e and stopped. Then he glanced at Serene and began to run across the earthy forest. So much for love! Serene decided to let him run for a while in terror, and pulled the w****s body into the deep forest. Her face began to sharpen and mold into feeding mode. Her eyes changed to black, a thick layer of muscle sculpted her transformed body, and she felt her teeth prick her swollen lips. Serene tore at the woman's neck and quickly drained all of her blood. The look of death on the woman's face made her happy. She quickly disposed of the woman's body and ran into the woods. Serene could smell his polo cologne from a mile away. She also noticed that he had stopped to hide like the coward she guessed he'd be. His heavy scent told her that he was hiding in a foul ditch ten foot from her.

 

   "Oh where has the dashing man gone too?" she questioned trying to be dramatic, " I bet his wife misses him." She could hear him slowly breathing in and out. His blood starting pumping faster and faster. She silently crept up to the ditch, and reached down and pulled him out by his plaid shirt. He pleaded for his life while she held him up in the air.

 

   "It looks like I've won the game," she smiled, "see you in hell!" She used one powerful surge, and smashed his head against a near by tree. Death claimed him slowly, and she watched his red blood stream down the side of his disfigured face. Victory is hers as it always is.  

Author's Note

Ok ik it's really short, and all. Though tell me what you thick so I can go on with it or not:) Thanks:) Picture is Serene she is 20

Reviews

[Hester Vane]

"she smiled poking out her chest showing off. Tramp" The word Tramp, who is thinking that? Because Serene had just spoken I would say all sentences and thoughts belong to her, so is she thinking it about herself? Maybe you could put all of Serene thoughts in italic to make them stand out more

"Serene quickly through her brunette hair behind her shoulders" that through should be threw.

I like the idea of the Lions Game and I do like Serene. She is a great mix of fun and mischievous with dangerous and slightly mad. I would say though, maybe you could make more of the Game bit. You could make Serene skulk a bit more and add more description of the sounds and smells of the hunt. That would add some tension and make the reader feel like they are along on the hunt with Serene.
A good start though, I will read on.

[Douglas White]

This is a promising start, and could be taken much, much farther with a little more development. Here are some suggestions:

Take the time to build the atmosphere of the bar setting to solidify the tone, and allow the reader to hear Serene's internal thoughts a little, which would give you an opportunity to deepen the character and the character's motivations. A word of caution, though - go sparingly on that, because it's too easy to overload the reader with unnecessary info.

You could give a little info (not too much) on the Lion's Game - what it means to her, and how it started.

You can also take a little more time to show her cruelty as she kills the w***e, if that's how you intend her to be, and finally take more time in playing with her prey before she kills.

Another thing to consider is how violent you want this to be. Is this going to be a little bloody, or extremely violent? This can work well either way, depending on how it's written.

Finally, having read the next chapter first (oops), you can also bring this chapter to a close with something that triggers Serene's memory of her childhood.

That's my suggestions, for what they're worth. I do like what you've got going, keep it up.

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for the advice and for reading:)

[Elle Thompson]

I think this has a lot of potential, and I'm gonna' try not to critique too much. (no promises though)
I think first and foremost, the beginning paragraph would make more sense with less pronouns, it's a lot of he/she and it gets a little confusing. I was also confused by this line "Serene didn't think she was gonna get two to play tonight."
more or less I would just add more details, I am interested in the character and it's a good beginning chapter because it sets the tone and really grabs the reader's attention.

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for your advice and thanks for reading:)

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for your advice and thanks for reading:)

[Pam]

I have to admit, the first paragraph gave me chills. Serene really IS cruel. I don't have much to say, since it's only the first chapter. I wish more happened, but I do like what you have so far.

[Amaya Sullivan]

Vamps! Wonderful fantasy creatures. I would have to agree with Hester Vane. I had to re-read some parts a few times to understand what was going on. For instance this sentence:

"Serene quickly through her brunette hair behind her shoulders, and stood as the couple walked past her."

Very awkward. I catch myself doing this. It's like I'm thinking faster than my fingers can go. Then, someone points it out and I'm like, "How or Why did I write that? It makes no sense!" ^_^

Descriptions are very basic. I still struggle with this problem. I'd consider putting some meat around them. It's really hard describing such things, but you are off to a great start.

"Running her fingers through her long locks, Serene gazed at the couple continue their flirtatious affair out the bar. 'Showtime!' She followed them. Forest Park was coming into view. She grinned with anticipation waiting for the right moment. Her plan was perfect!"

Something like that? Not the best and I think my punctuation is off. I don't know, it just came to mind.

You have a skeleton of your story here. Go back through when you are done or begin suffering from writer's block and work on the descriptions. Consider reading it out loud to yourself or to someone will help catch some of these problems.

I'm not perfect when it comes to writing either. Hopefully it helps! ^_^

Keep Writing!

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks so much for the advice:)!

[Amaya Sullivan]

Anytime! ^_^

[MandaBear]

This was awesome I cant wait to read more.

[RainDancer1997]

I hope you enjoy the other two chaps:)! Thanks for reading!

[Hello_Rawr]

Very interesting. Cant wait to read more and see how the rest of it pans out :)

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for reading:)!

[Anubis]

Always nice to see someone writing about vampires as vampires are meant to be, murderous and savage, not sparkly and friendly!
Great chapter! I'll make sure I keep reading! And thanks for the add too :)

[RainDancer1997]

No problem:) And I have another about vamps, but it's not like this one. Thanks for reading!

[Anubis]

Ooo, you do? I'll make sure to read it in that case!

[RainDancer1997]

Ight thanks:)

[John Lauterbach]

"... poking out her chest showing off. Tramp!" The tramp exclamation feels strange coming from a third person narrator. Same with the "How lovely!" a little later. It adds emotional investment to the narrator, which placed the narrator in competition with Serene for my attention as the reader.

I'd like to see more physical description of the characters and setting. Ignoring the picture, all I know about Serene is that she has brown hair that could be shoulder length or longer, and very white teeth. On the emotional end, I get an excellent sense of her morals and tendencies. Serene's first impression on me is that she's a young vampire on a power trip, which gives her a lot of space to grow as a character throughout the story. I'm curious to see how she changes as events unfold.

[Lauren]

wow. Just wow. I love it! you have to keep writing. I have no complaints at all it is amazing!

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for reading and commenting:)

[Lauren]

no problem, used the same picture of the girl in the forest for my book lol

[RainDancer1997]

Hahaha, I was going to use a different one but I wanted serene to be around 20, and that pic fit:)

[Lauren]

it does, I used mine for a girl named Renn, I was debating between posting it or not, do you want to read it and then tell me if I should post it or not?