New and Improved

 

 

     Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies- Aristotle

 

 

  "What do you want?" Spencer asked Carry.

 

 

   "Your my new step-brother and all. Don't be talking to the trash around this school," she told him playing with her blond hair casually.

 

 

   "Takes trash to know trash," Michelle said.

 

 

   "There are at least four hundred people who would willingly back me up on that," Carry sneered.

 

 

   "No you lost some because most of your friends are either stupid, s****y, or they talk about you behind your back. Your not miss everything. Your just the pretty blond headed preppy bit** that thinks she is," Michelle smiled. She blew a kiss to Spencer to let him know she's still very interested, and left Carry standing there with the enraged look on her face. Michelle wasn't taking any crap anymore! It wasn't so hard really. You just have to say the right things. Though Michelle would never turn into Carry, it's impossible.

 

 

   "You were almost late again Miss. Sky," Miss. Grady snapped again.

 

 

   "Very sorry," Michelle said rolling her baby blue eyes. This new spark of attitude was unleashed and Michelle didn't know how to put out that spark.

 

 

   "Hey," Michelle heard from behind her. She turned around and realized it was someone new. Because usually no one sat near Michelle. She was rather pretty though with her soft features and long honey brown hair. Blue eyes like her won shimmered with happiness. Obviously this girl didn't know Michelle, and Carrys we don't talk to her rule. Haha perfect!

 

 

   "Nice to meet you I'm Anika," she smiled showing perfect teeth. Something about this girl just isn't normal. She's way to happy and nice to be human. This girl Is now on Michelle watch.

 

 

   "Nice to meet you to I'm Michelle," she replied trying to put the same happiness in her voice. Michelle desperately needed a friend. And how could she let Carry take hold of this happy, gleaming girl and turn her into a devil?

 

 

   "I'm a transfer student from California," she said.

 

 

   "So why did you move to Texas?" Michelle asked trying to make conversation. Anika's eyes gleamed with happiness when she realized Michelle was going to carry on a conversation with her.

 

 

   "I play a lot of volleyball, and this school has a very great team," she explained.

 

 

   "I don't really watch many of the sports here honestly," Michelle confessed moving her long red hair out of her eyes.

   "That's a shame but oh well. Is your hair naturally that red?" Anika asked touching her hair. This girl was weird, but Michelle was familiar with weird. Anika wasn't that bad actually:) 

 

 

   "Yes it is," Michelle smiled. She has actually made a friend!

 

 

   "Miss Sky! Do turn around in your seat and pay attention!," Miss. Grady ordered. Michelle smiled at Anika before turning around. For some reason she was filled with so much joy.

 

 

   The bell finally rang ordering them all to lunch. Anika stayed by Michelle the whole time, but Michelle actually enjoyed her company.

 

 

   "What's up," Michelle heard from behind her. She smiled and turned around.

 

 

   "The sky," she smiled at Spencer.

 

 

   "Very funny," he smiled," whose the new chic?" he looked over at Anika.

 

 

   "This is my new friend Anika," Michelle smiled hugging the girl.

 

 

   "Well nice to meet you Anika," he smiled looping his arm through Michelle's.

 

 

   "Is this your boyfriend?" Anika smiled tugging on Michelles shirt.

 

 

   "She's playing hard to get at the moment," Spencer answered winking at Michelle. Her cheeks turned a dark shade of crimson.

 

 

   "That's cute," Anika smiled at her.

 

 

   They walked into the lunchroom together. Spencer didn't even bother to move his arm from hers, which sparked some butterflies. Anika walked beside her with a huge smile on her face. This girl was a good influence. Michelle even started to carry a smile around. It surprised her because it wasn't one of her fake smiles! She was truly happy right now.

 

 

   And that happiness ended the moment a piece of cake hit Anika. Then Michelle was full of rage!

 

 

   "Were terribly sorry new girl," Carry and her friends said," we were aiming for the other freak."

 

 

Author's Note

This chapter is dedicated to my number one fan Anika:)

Reviews

[Astro]

This is a very ordinary, somewhat cliche depiction of life in school between the popular and not so popular. By saying that, I'm not saying that it is a horribly written story. The dialogue is very appropriate and pushes the story along well to an understandable and gripping ending that makes the reader want to keep going to see what will happen next. On the grammar side, the use of possessives and contractions could be cleaned up. I found several instances where "your" was used and should have been "you're" or, "you are". Also, where "Spencer" is holding onto "Michelles" arm, it should have been "Michelle's". This line is a bit confusing due to a typo, or just poor grammar I'm not quite sure, " Blue eyes like her won shimmered..." I think you were trying to say, "Blue eyes like her's shimmered with happiness."
Another thing that you could work on with this piece, is descriptions of the foreground. Tell the reader what the hallway looked like, or the cafeteria, the classroom, or how the cake looked all over Anika's face. Adding some descriptive sentences will strengthen your story more. Keep it up, you have a good handle on dialogue, characters and plot. Just work on the grammar and descriptions.

[J. A. Lucero]

Wow, I'm glad Anika sent me to read this :D These aren't usually my type of stories but I really like it. The dialogue is what really shines so far, you definitely have that down :) I'm not going to say anything about the grammar and description because other people have already commented on that and it doesn't really bother me anyway :P I can't wait to see what happens next :)

[RainDancer1997]

I really owe Anika she's a great friend:) And I'm so happy that you like it:)!

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the chapter. You are building the characters. I like the description and internal thoughts. A good story need strong characters and reasons for the story. I look forward to reading more. Please send read request. You made me wonder where the story is going? Thank you for the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[RainDancer1997]

Your really kind and I sure will:) Thanks for reading:)

[Christopher Angel]

There's a lot of character exposition without much character development. It's a fine line but after 4 chapters, perhaps it's time to delve into the plot!

You've spent enough time describing events around her. All of that were good - I read them all - but now you'll need to have events that will shape her. Take her on a journey, emotional or otherwise and show her change through ways other than dialogue.

All in all, good showing! I particularly liked the fact that she was human born from vampires. It would help if you described how this was possible. :)

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for the advice:) It really helps:)

[Christopher Angel]

I'm glad you think so!

[Silent Wolf]

Cute, and this was really good! Grammar, not much description, but good. This story is going great so far. Good luck!

[RainDancer1997]

I'll be sure to add much more description on the next chapter, and work on my grammar more:) I'm so happy you like it:)!

[Silent Wolf]

Yeah. :) I do. :)

[RainDancer1997]

Good:) lol I really do appreciate your comments:)

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. I try to help out other writers on here, which is why I joined, and also to have my own writing critiqued. :)

[RainDancer1997]

send me some request and I'll look them over:)

[Silent Wolf]

Cool. Will do.

[Sharon Kim]

Hi RainDancer,
I went back and read the previous chapters as well. Your story has a fresh new twist to it. Very unique and I want to read more to find out where it's going!
I agree with some of the others who have mentioned grammar. I encourage you to re-read everything out loud to yourself before you post it. Make sure it makes sense and check the punctuation. I feel if you can clean up the grammar part of it, it won't distract from your story.
You have great ideas! Can't wait to read more!

[Sharon Kim]

I forgot one thing, and this is probably just a personal thing but I keep getting tripped up on the name Carry. Carry is something you do to a book. It doesn't have to be, but usually the name is spelled Carrie or Keri or even Kerry. It could just be me though! :)

[RainDancer1997]

Thank you for reading and commenting:) My grammar isn't the best ik:)

[Sharon Kim]

You're welcome! The important thing is to get your ideas down-the editing will come later! :)

[RainDancer1997]

True haha... I'm just glad I'm starting all this while I'm still pretty young that way I have years and years to get better:)

[Sharon Kim]

Write on! :)

[Avinash]

Loved it..I know Anika so felt excited when she made an appearance :)

[RainDancer1997]

I'm so happy you loved it and yeah she was:)

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ Squinkla⊱
Definitely your classic story of schoolyard emotions and angst, nicely written at that.
I'm having some confusion understanding this sentence,
"You were almost late again Miss. Sky," Miss. Grady snapped again.
I'm not aware Miss. is an abbreviation for anything ? But I could be wrong here.
There is Ms., Mrs., Mistress, and Miss (with no period).
Nice ping-pong effect with the dialogue, easy to follow and enjoyable to read.
You are using an emoticon in your story above, while I know that's a smile, it's definitely non-standard in written literature, suggest you add, "she grinned mischievously," or any other appropriate emotion.
"Miss Sky! Do turn around in your seat and pay attention!," This DEFINITELY does not use an ending comma. A comma when used in human speech indicates that it will be continued in the same line usually after some kind of impressionable speaker's body movement or story event.
BTW, Anika should totally go ballistic in the next chapter for having cake in her face. :D

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for reading and commenting:)! Oh it's bout to go down in the next chapter lol

[dw817]

Curiously enough, I've actually had this sort of thing happen. Someone shoots a spitwad at me in class and I get mad and they apologize saying they were trying to hit the other loser. So - what does that make me ? :4 Keep me posted on updates !

BTW, this RR was sent from Squinkla - just so you know. She suggested someone else's writing so this is a first for me.

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for letting me know she's a great friend:) and ikr I've had many things done o me like that to

[Angel]

I was severely bullied as a kid, so I can relate to this story. I will need to go back to the beginning, and read it all, of course...but from what I see here, it is shaping up to be a pretty good story.
Yes, like the others said, you need to work on your grammar skills...but the basic plot is good, and, from what I see here, your character development is fantastic. Your dialogue is very realistic, although I do agree, you don't need to use asterisks (***) here. We don't have censors on this site, but we do ask that adult type material be "rated", as there are children on this site.
So...pick up a book or download an article about grammar and usage, but whatever you do...

Do NOT put down that pen!!

[RainDancer1997]

Thank you very much:) And I'm happy you can relate to this:) And thanks for reading!

[Ellie J]

I have to agree with Astro- so much in fact that there isn't much else to add since he has already said everything I was thinking.

My suggestion would be to try and polish up on your grammar skills and perhaps pick up a few books in this genre so that you can better avoid over-used devices and crutches.