My Life

             

 

         The beginning is the most important part of work- Plato

 

 

     Ever since the day of Michelle's birth there has always been something mystical surrounding her. Of course there is a strange difference between Michelle and her family. Her family roams the night, while Michelle walks in the sun. In other words, Michelle is human and her family is something entirely different. Her family scares mankind, they're vampires. Something happened during Michelle's time in her mothers' womb; something that has made her a total outcast from the beginning. She does have other brothers and a sister, though they are normal. In there nature humans are the weird ones with there ageing skin, and sweaty pores. Michelle can see the depression in her parents eyes when they stop and look at her. In their eyes she is the monster.

 

    The sun blasted through her window waking her up for school. Michelle happened to be the only one in her family who goes to public school. It happens to be the only time she even walks outside. It's the only time she even feels alive. after taking a quick shower to clean her up and clear her mind she through on some cloths. Looking in the mirror she frowned. Her scarlet red hair was wild and curly, which looked out right awful to her. She had orange feckless on her face here and there. Huffing she straightened her new black sundress. Turning around she spotted her mother walking into her room.  

 

 

   "I was making sure you were up," her mom smiled. Though Michelle could see disappointment clearly in her eyes.

 

 

   "Well I'm up," she smiled back. Her mom kissed her forehead before leaving her room. 

   "The bus is here!" she heard her dad yell from the kitchen. Grabbing a water from the counter she raced outside to the bus.This was practically her everyday routine. Being a junior at Wasteville high school meant she only had this routine for no more than a year and a half. What would she do once the time came to flee the nest? What would happen if she got married? What if she had kids and one turned out to be a vampire? There is so much she wouldn't know how to handle. How would she explain to her mate that her family was descendants of Dracula? Gahhh... her life is just one big mess just waiting for the moment to swallow her whole.

 

 

   The bus pulled up at the catholic looking school. The front doors looked like stones blocking the entrance. And she imagined the preps inside were evil sprits pushing to break out. But no one here dared to leave school and disrespect Mr. Frank. He happens to be the strict principle with evil eyes. Something about him gave Michelle the shivers.

 

 

   "Hey Freak, how about getting off the bus," A preppy voice snapped pulling Michelle out of LaLa Land. She ended up eye to eye with the blond b***h from her own living hell. Carry thinks that everyone should bow down to her grace. Though, Michelle would rather loose an arm, or her life. Seriously! Michelle rolled her eyes and walked off the bus.

 

 

   As she walked into first block English, nearly four jocks almost knocked her down. Gosh she is small, but she is not invisible! However, they probably did it on purpose. Taking her seat in the back she almost tripped over all the frilly purses in the aisle. Most of them looked like Easter on a bag. Suddenly something flew by her face, missing her nose by half an inch. Anger flamed in her eyes, and she almost screamed. School sucked, but it was better than watching her family look at her with disappointment.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note for Reviewers	ex: ignore grammar problems, what do you think of the dialogue, etc. </body></html></body></html></body></html></body></html></body></html></body></html>

Author's Note

I know its short but I'm just trying to see if I should go on with it or not.

Reviews

[Vile]

As much as Im opposed to the whole vampire, werewolf, supernatural stuff (it's becoming an epidemic really) I do kinda like the idea behind it, a human birthed by vampires and such, its an interesting idea and a new spin on the vampire topic. So it's original, you have that going for you. As for the writing itself, hm, theirs some aspects I like about it, and some I don't. I like that it's a realistic point of view, though at the same time she seems a little whiney. I don't particularily care for whiney characters, it tends to get annoying. Other than that, I like the idea and I do believe you shoud continue with it. :D

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for reading it I do believe its a bit whiney and I plan on making her a lot stronger in character:)

[Vile]

Good good, it's good to develope the character throughout the story.

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks dude:) lol I would read some of your stuff but apparently since im 16 I cant read your stuff since im not 18-_-

[Vile]

Is my stuff rated mature? I think ony one piece is rated that way. Try the poems.

[Vile]

Hm, it says I have my target audience as "Everyone" so idk why.

[RainDancer1997]

ill try lol I may be doing something wrong lol

[Vile]

Hm, maybe cause I swear in some of my work? Idk, thats silly :/

[RainDancer1997]

haha it says ur profile rated mature when ever I try to friend you or go to your writings lol...

[Vile]

Hm...thats odd. You shoulda lied about your age when joining :P lol

[RainDancer1997]

haha yeah bc that's what I think of when joining a writing site. lying about my age lol

[Vile]

well now you will, lesson learned lol.

[RainDancer1997]

hahaha yeah I guess so

[Sherlock]

Nicely written enjoyed reading it...

[Rosaria_V]

Honestly such a good way to start!! :)) I love it :)

[Soleil RunningWild]

*In short...no one wants to read about someone waking up in the morning as the first part of the story. We all do it...so if you want to you can take out all the parts where she is describing herself getting dress and you can say what she is wearing in a different way.
I.e: As she ran out to the bus she did not realize that it had rained the night before. With each step her combat boots took it splashed mud onto her mini skirt and her black T-shirt.
`You can describe how she looks when she looks in the mirror instead of telling the reader what she is doing.
If you are going to do this....you can add onto the conversation with her mother.

*and disrespect [Mr. Frank. Mr. Frank] is the strict principle with evil eye. (This is a very big no no in writing. It is bad to start the beginning of the next sentences with the same word you finished the last sentences with, if that makes sense? You did the exact same thing with Carry. Carry.. okay?)

*She got up to the blond haired brown eyed miss wanna be everything Carry. ( I think you can describe the bully of this story much better than this.)

*rather loose an arm.[ Seriously!] Michelle rolled... (I get that you have Seriously there for the 'rather loose an arm' part but it doesn't flow well with the rest of the story and makes it sound kind of cheesy. No offense.

Also when jumping from getting off the bus to going into the class room...make sure you have some sort of indication that time has passed...or it sounds like she just randomly appeared there.
I do apologize if this sounds harsh but that is what I posted summarized.

[RainDancer1997]

No its ight thanks for the advice:)

[Soleil RunningWild]

no problem.

[Soleil RunningWild]

I usually do NOT like third person stories but the way you have written it...is FREAKING FANTASTIC!!
Honestly it is.

However I only in the middle of the second paragraph and the line below seems really awkward to me.

* She's also an outcast at school, but she doesn't mind.

I love the meaning of this sentence but I think you can change it so you are not using "She" or "She's".
Because if you use it too many times it will get repetitive which could get annoying to the reader.
One of the ways you can fix this is if you rewrite a sentence.

The Sentence rewritten:

"At her school she is also an outcast, the only difference is she doesn't mind."

Did you see what I did there?

*and combat boots/ her mom walked into her room. ( I think you need to put that into two different sentences, starting from /

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for pointing that out for me:) I hope you enjoy the rest of it if you find the time:)!

[Soleil RunningWild]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Flip this stuff... I wrote a long a*s review and everything and it totally cut it short. Fish sticks... brb

[RainDancer1997]

Ik how you feel:) and ight

[Elle Thompson]

I would consider changing this to a first person narrator, I think this is a character the reader could benefit from hearing from first hand. Also, keep your eye on the consistency of your tenses when you edit this, and remember the golden rule for description: show, don't tell.

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks for the advice:)

[Cody Williams]

I really liked it. It has a very interesting plot! Thanks for sharing and I can't wait for more!

-CW

[RainDancer1997]

Thanks:) good cuzz they a lot more:)!

[Cody Williams]

I'll get on it tomorrow!:)

[Soleil RunningWild]

I am adding it to my reading list and will review it sometime tomorrow!
I will be busy the next couple of days.
:)
Little warning I am a harsh critique so sorry if I sound rude.

[RainDancer1997]

It only makes me better lol and I understand

[Dr.Who.LOVER]

LOVE the PTV t-shirt and i want michelle's entire outfit, like NOW. Great job! Can't wait to read more. Oh and that school...sounds like mine -_-

[RainDancer1997]

HAhaha glad you can relate

[Dr.Who.LOVER]

i related to this on SOO many levels, except the being birthed by vamps thing OBVIOUSLY

[RainDancer1997]

Hahaha ikr

[ThoughtsofShyann]

Omg that was great and I see what you are talking about thank you so much!

[RainDancer1997]

I'm glad you liked it:) Thanks so much for reading:)! I hope you like the rest of it:)

[Pam]

I like the first chapter. It's interesting. Can't wait to read more.

[RainDancer1997]

I'm glad you like it and believe me I deeply appreciate you reading!:)