St. Peter Was an Invertebrate

A short story I wrote for a religious-themed contest. Lighthearted and fun, I hope you enjoy.

St. Peter the Earthworm

My hand was stiff, wedged between my thigh and a piece of wood. Cramps shot up my leg, curling my toes. I tried to turn my head, first to the left, then to the right, and I couldn't. The complete
darkness of my confines hinted at a coffin. I said out loud to no one in particular," Well...this sucks."   The minutes passed like hours. I couldn't recall ever being buried, let alone dying. A small opening in my coffin allowed soil to creep inside, and it also allowed other odd creatures to slip in. A slender earthworm crawled across my stomach. My shirt slipped up above my pant line, and its slime traced a sticky trail from my left flank to the right. It stopped, the slime pooling in my belly button, and I heard a voice," Fancy seeing you here. What brings you to heaven?"
                  My mind began racing. The air in the coffin instantly dissipated, and I was hyperventilating. I realized that someone had made an erroneous error, I had been buried alive, and my last moments alive would be spent imagining a conversation with an earthworm. The worm spoke again," Relax. We will get you all sorted out. It's really not all that bad here." It slithered its way along my stomach, along my sternum, and it poked through my shirt. The trail of slime clung to my bodily hair. The pungent, earthy aroma of the worm infiltrated my nostrils immediately.
                I paused, trying to think of something clever to say before settling on," Wha...what are you talking about? This is absurd. I am dreaming. You are a god-damn worm for god's sake. Are you telling me you are St. Peter, the gate-keeper to heaven? Ridiculous."
                The worms head, or anus (it was tough to tell in the pitch black) reached into my mouth and I stopped talking as the retched creature spoke again," First of all, thou shalt not use the lords name in vain, got it? Secondly, yes. The quickest way to access souls is earthworms. They are the first creatures to break into your coffin. As I was saying, let's go over your portfolio to see if you are coming with me," he paused, pulling out of my mouth, and said," or him."
                A millipede walked in a circle around my belly button. His feet skittered across my skin, and I became anxious. The unsettling feeling continued as he spoke, "Hey. Hell's not nearly as bad as you humans make it out to be. We already have a pretty nice set up for Oprah."
                The millipede stopped walking across my body, and I asked,” Are you serious, Oprah? She’s like a saint.”
                The millipede began moving again, and he laughed, “ You would be correct…I was kidding. This guy has no sense of humor St. Peter.”
              My leg convulsed again, and the millipede crawled into my pant leg. The earthworm also known as St. Peter, said,” Anyways, you have stepped on 752 spiders and bugs during your life time. 396 of those were accidents. That's not too shabby. We can overlook that." The earthworm lifted its body up and down rapidly, as if patting me on the back," However...you stole $142 from your parents during high school. I am disappointed you were too cheap to pay for your own prom. Thou shalt not steal; that’s strike two." The millipede anxiously skittered along my pant line. The brittle box my body was confined to caved in around my feet, and a mound of dirt piled up. I felt more helpless than before. The earthworm said," You have lived a pretty balanced life. You didn't have pre-marital sex, but you worshipped an idol known as 'Al Gore’. Overall, heaven believes you have followed a rather moral lifestyle, so we are going to offer conditional admittance."

        The words played through my mind several times before I said,” Conditional admittance into heaven. What’s that mean, you can kick me out if I don’t behave?”
                The millipede raced up my calf and a muffled shout followed," Yes, that’s exactly what he means. Well, we were all set for you so that’s a shame. I’m sure we will see you soon enough though."
               The wooden coffin buckled under the weight of the dirt mound, and it collapsed inward on me. I coughed, the dirt exploding from my mouth, and the earthworm said," Hang in there, we are almost there!" Splinters dug into my arms, dirt crawled under my finger nails, and I continuously coughed dirt and rock out of my mouth. When my lungs felt like they would burst any second, and I thought suffocation was immediate, a beam of light poked through the dirt mound on my body. My mind cheered as my body reached out for any ounce of air it could find. Someone had realized the mistake and they came to save me from being buried alive.
            The earthworm said," Goodbye Satan, I'm just going to get him settled in up here then I'll meet you over by the Winston corpse."
              I pulled myself out of the hole and brushed the dirt and wood chips off of my body. Looking around, it looked like earth. Each grave around me was a human-sized hole. I looked down at the earthworm and asked," Wait, this is for real. I wasn’t hallucinating. You still aren't kidding? Heaven is exactly like Earth."
           St. Peter the earthworm slithered out of my burial mound and said," Not exactly like Earth. Here, there is no war, no greed, and no hate. Take everything you liked about Earth and eliminate the negative qualities of society. I believe you know where your home is, so if you need anything just dial 777 for assistance."
         St. Peter disappeared into the hole again and I was left alone in the pseudo graveyard. The sky was wrapped in a brilliant golden aura. There was not a grey cloud in sight. I walked out of the graveyard and the streets were clean. People were chatting gleefully on benches, birds chirped overhead, and I rubbed my eyes. Directly above me, an ominous billboard loomed. The billboard’s image was of a large man in white robes, venerable beard, and brilliantly colored eyes. His finger pointed directly at me, his eyes seared right into my heart, and the words next to his mouth imprinted on my brain. As I read the words, a booming voice echoed throughout the streets, “ Welcome Chris! Behave yourself!”

                As the words reached the ears of other pedestrians, a chorus of,” Welcome Chris! Behave Yourself!” followed.