shine & sting

this was inspired by a line that came to me... "yellow and black and a sting like a woman's regret". i built a little scene around it and i hope it works. it's open ended on purpose.

we converse with silver cutlery;

keeping our forked

tongues politely tucked behind

our smiles and wine glasses.

 

the ting and swirl of spaghetti

in tines

accuse with a flourish.

 

a solitary rose,

sheepish and pink

stands between our warring plates.

 

i venture a sigh

and the rose shivers

enough to reveal it’s secret

 

yellow and black and a sting

like a woman’s regret

he catches the passing

ocean breeze

 

the diamond apology

sparks on the tablecloth

its expensive eloquence

falling on foreign eyes

 

our entrees eaten

we watch the shine and sting

wondering how we never noticed

the signs until now.

 

Author's Note

let me know if this is TOO vague.

Reviews

[Adam Chambers]

Not at all! I am very inspired by Brautigan and some of the other beat and non-beat poets, who are the essence of vaguery, though, I must admit, Bill Knott among them--- right on the edge of language poetry, perhaps on the edge of other things as well... So, no, I don't believe this one is vague at all, actually. Maybe impressionistic, in the sense that it paints a picture which is fleshed out in broader colors and temperatures rather than infinite micro-managed detail. But that to me is a good thing. Even in photography. Though super-realism has its place, just not in my house. Anyways, very very very good. Love the hook (the sting thing), and love every direction it goes in. Don't think you need to either expand or reduce it. Very good job!
Sincerely,
Adam

[run vs remember]

This is great. I don't think it's too vague; it makes sense. But then again, my poems are almost always more vague than this. Sometimes I wonder if anyone but me can understand what I meant.
Anyway...this is really good. Great scene.

[Molly D]

It's not too vague. I understand it, and while I like the way you described what the experience was like instead of the experience itself, I think you get a little too verbose for your own good. It's one thing to be artfully descriptive, and another to use so many images and analogies and metaphors that it gets sort of tiring to read it. I personally feel like I'd relate to it better and feel more emotionally attached to the piece if I could relate to something literal or raw.
Overall, it's a very pretty piece.

[Beatrice Noir]

ha, i really liked it. its ever holiday wrapped in glistening poetry.

[Ed Hart]

it's not vague at all, it's the standard decline of civilized love, described in bite size pieces...alas, no desert...