shine & sting

this was inspired by a line that came to me... "yellow and black and a sting like a woman's regret". i built a little scene around it and i hope it works. it's open ended on purpose.

we converse with silver cutlery;

keeping our forked

tongues politely tucked behind

our smiles and wine glasses.

 

the ting and swirl of spaghetti

in tines

accuse with a flourish.

 

a solitary rose,

sheepish and pink

stands between our warring plates.

 

i venture a sigh

and the rose shivers

enough to reveal it’s secret

 

yellow and black and a sting

like a woman’s regret

he catches the passing

ocean breeze

 

the diamond apology

sparks on the tablecloth

its expensive eloquence

falling on foreign eyes

 

our entrees eaten

we watch the shine and sting

wondering how we never noticed

the signs until now.

 

Author's Note

let me know if this is TOO vague.

Reviews

[Adam Chambers]

Not at all! I am very inspired by Brautigan and some of the other beat and non-beat poets, who are the essence of vaguery, though, I must admit, Bill Knott among them--- right on the edge of language poetry, perhaps on the edge of other things as well... So, no, I don't believe this one is vague at all, actually. Maybe impressionistic, in the sense that it paints a picture which is fleshed out in broader colors and temperatures rather than infinite micro-managed detail. But that to me is a good thing. Even in photography. Though super-realism has its place, just not in my house. Anyways, very very very good. Love the hook (the sting thing), and love every direction it goes in. Don't think you need to either expand or reduce it. Very good job!
Sincerely,
Adam

[Robin]

served the way I like it ~

[SparrowPoet]

this is fantastic :) "keeping our forked tongues politely tucked behind our smiles and wine glasses"....very very good! your style is incredibly varied, i never know what i'll find next from you, but i'm bound to enjoy it!

[Snuggles McClintock]

no vagueness found.
you brought the concept out clearly in the last stanza.

I really enjoyed the first stanza, and wished the rest of the piece carried the same weight. However, ironically found the metaphor, "Like a woman's regret," empty and disruptive to the piece. my brain tripped over that and I kept trying to figure out what that meant.

[Raef C. Boylan]

Lovely my friend. Not many people whom I've read have the great ability with language that you do.

"the ting and swirl of spaghetti
in tines
accuse with a flourish." - I was at the dinner table here, I swear. Amazing use of language to create a vivid image.

I don't think it's too vague, the story's here for us; it's just not spelt out in neon.
Great work.

p.s.
"enough to reveal it's secret" [its]

[holly]

Not vague at all! Simply one of your best. You inspire me - you have taken a simple moment in your day and expanded it into a poetic story (back to our English roots, where all stories were presented in poetic form) that is not only about a bitter couple. You offer a general exposition of bitterness and deceit in a love gone wrong. Well done! I really enjoyed the language, imagery and story.

[just is]

the diamond apology
sparks on the tablecloth
its expensive eloquence
falling on foreign eyes

These lines here "The diamond Apology" Wow! true grit words here, this is one amazing write.
I don't think this is to vague at all. You know how to write and how to put words in respect.
So i think this is wonderful, after all there are words that has to eb said now and then.
This is amazing.

[April Child]

Oh this is sharp. That moment of clarity, like how did we get here but now we're here and is this it? If it looks alright then it is alright,

"we converse with silver cutlery;
keeping our forked
tongues politely tucked behind
our smiles and wine glasses."

I don't see the piece vague at all, I think it is spot on. Blowing open the sham of a so called "happy" marriage. Nicely done.

[jen]

peeping over here via mutual friend's pages...

the line that inspired you is really great... my mind fill in the story... i like that... because what you have here not only sets a scene, but as a reader you can feel the regret and the silent war / battle / confusion / reluctance to send up a white flag that goes into relationships ... whether it is felt from one side of the relationship or both

[Gandré]

Hey Brian
I missed yr most abstract metaphors. I thought this was brilliant. Just a short text for I m on this half damaged blackberry. Hope all is well. Missed u. L.

[Emily B]

not TOO vague at all. Stunning in its simplicity, the images and the lines are brilliant, the kind that make me wish I had thought of them. And I love Ed's Review. He always leaves the best little gifts.