tick

this is in response to a contest "what makes you tick". thank you to O! who got me out of my slump and inspired me to write something.

i am click tic

slow wink and unfound hellos

lost in the grave

shift my cells sift

on their 7 year journey

to remake me completely

 

you are the cohesion;

the seductive segue

to this subtle devouring

of me

by time and biology

 

your daily “i do’s”

defy the deterioration

of my heart

and lungs

which conspire together

 

to confess that you

my dear

still make me tick

 

 

Reviews

[Rachel DeHart]

This is really something... I feel like it would be better read aloud than spoken in my head. One because my heads kinda full at the moment, but also so I could hear you push certain words more than others.

But none the less. I really enjoyed this.
And I love these lines

"you are the cohesion;
the seductive segway
to this subtle devouring
of me
by time and biology"

Especially the line "the seductive segway" It is very sensual and allusive all at once. Amazing.
:]

[Emily B]

oh, my!

the words are still powerful

[Zoe Jay]

I love this, it's a beautiful, musical use of language. The final verse makes an excellent conclusion. I love the way you string the words together in such a pleasing fashion, it rolls off the tongue very well. The second verse is particularly good. I think in this context you mean "segue" rather than "segway", which is a scooter thing, lol. "Subtle devouring of me by time and biology" is brilliant. I've been with my husband almost 7 years, and this made me think of our relationship, so it's also a very relevant poem for me :-)
Thanks!

[Sorry Infamous]

Well this is brilliantly lyrical...
It is often tough to impress with rhyme, but this was not forced or over done and your message remains clear and concise. The content suffered none for form as it should not. Very well written.

[Raef C. Boylan]

Hey, I learnt a new word here: segway as opposed to segue [unless segway = US spelling of segue?] - well, either way I learnt a new word.
It's a nice pledge you make here, with good language and a good beat [as always].
Hope it did ok in the contest.

[O!]

Appreciation and gratefulness is a wonderful way to live life by with.......

Thank you for joining the contest....very heartwarming read.

x,
O!

[Adam Chambers]

i am click tic

slow wink and unfound hellos

lost in the grave

shift my cells sift

on their 7 year journey

to remake me completely



I love this part! The sounds of the words, very good. Only a couple suggestions:
from "your daily i do's..."
this stanza begins to take me in a different direction that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with; for one, I don't think "i do's" should have quotation marks--- when reading that tends to distract me in a poem; the other point is that in the last stanza I think you have ended on a more mundane note relative to the absolutely magical first two stanzas and their metaphors. Maybe reinject some of that beauty into the last stanza... (?) Hope this helps...

(I figure as the serious writer you are, you want criticism and not just flattery...) : )
Sincerely,
Adam

[Kaela Craven]

I totally suck at giving reviews. I just want to say that, as with all your writing, I loved it.

[JP thinks the WC is apt..]

Again this is perfectly weighted. I think you've got a real flair for the timing of a piece. Everything is just so and reaches its conclusion at a very instinctive moment. I took this as a very effective reconstruction of a simple romantic premise. Life is prolonged with love in it. But there's nothing remotely sentimental or syrupy about it - the business is more serious than that. I think it's great - love and biology and the wretchedness of the human body distilled.

[Ed Hart]

i do like it when i encounter here a poet to whom the word and the thing hold meaning beyond rant and release, beyond bemoaning the one who got away, a poet who knows the trick is to keep a muse or two locked in the attic...

[Cah]

This is very tight. The first and third stanza's are especially nice. I'm really jazzed about those first two lines, as well. Great start! (and a fine ending, by the way. =)

As much as I like this, why do I not like "biology"? There's some thing that doesn't fight about it. It's completly a feel thing, though and quite possibly I'll change my mind at a latter reading and wonder what I was on about.