i want that!

this is an old old old performance piece i dug up in an old journal again about being jealous of another artist who in my opinion was a much better poet that i was.

and i want that!

 

i want my words to be skyscraper alive

peaking the audience at a view that is

perfect.

a picturesque caress to my past, pain, and dreams

and i inwardly scream as he does it just right

while i’m still fingering regret for a mysterious version of

“happy”

but everything is just sounding so sappy.

 

i want violas to play when i speak of being lonely

and tears to be brushed when my skid mark

massacre is told yet again.

 

i want to sell myself completely

having no shame at all

letting every muscular inhibition fall so far away.

 

i want my motions to infuse emotion into the stories

i tell you

my new found form of wooing you…

 

but not as well as he does

because he has images images tucked in his shoulderblades

and i’ve become cut

as my mind remains shut

like i’m locking away that queer side of me

and then wondering why i never feel free.

 

free like him!

who uses the words i used to take out and play with

before conformity made me stiff

and dead.

 

so drifting away in saltwater chains

and singing of heartbreak through rose-colored rains

here’s no one around me

at last i disrobe.

 

a sigh

a glance

 

i practice that dance and suddenly words cascade

through my being.

 

this temporal blindness is finally receding

so prepare yourself now for i will be reading

those shoulder blade soliloquies that solitude has

brought me.

 

so how am i?

i am thrilled.  

 

Author's Note

as is the case with most of my older poetry.... it rhymes ALOT. please forgive.

Reviews

[Spoken]

I can definately relate to the feeling of wanting to write something amazing that reaches in and rapes emotions out.. wanting writers to laugh and cry sigh and jump up saying "Amen brother" all by simply words on paper. I was wondering about the rhyme, seemed different than you.. but now I see just a younger you :) In any case, it worked for me and I enjoyed this piece.

[Jane Doe]

So many times I've read something written by someone else and thought, 'If only I could write like that.' You have a way with words and weave them together with such talent to create a beautifully tapestry for all the world to admire. Kudos!

[Laura E. Aranda]

And now......who is jealous of whom? MEEEEEEE...haha!
Cheers,lea

[Emily B]

I want that!!!!

[April Child]

Yep, that's what we all want although I tend to be less envious of these wonderful poets and more inspired.
I like the rhyme, I think it works well with a piece like this. I love the last few stanzas, from drifting away in saltwater chains to being thrilled, it is full of feeling, the feeling of winning. Lovely, uplifting piece.

so drifting away in saltwater chains
and singing of heartbreak through rose-colored rains
here's no one around me
at last i disrobe.

[Raef C. Boylan]

I always feel like performance pieces need internal rhyme...I guess it gives confidence to have places to emphasise words; not that I've ever actually performed any of mine, except to an empty living room.
Well, I feel this way about you, so you should know you've most likely broken way out of conformity now.
I prefer your work nowadays, but a lot of the imagery you use here shows that you still had the gift way back when.
Thanks for sharing some of your older poems with us.

[Alice]

The rhyme works so smoothly I barely even noticed it, only how incredibly well the piece flowed. I read it aloud and it was exhilerating, I'm still grinning. The imagery is amazingly vivid and the whole thing has so much energy I'm surprised it doesn't just leap off the page.

[Thrushsong]

The artistic envy shone through really well - I had to laugh a little in empathy, I get the same way about artists I admire.

I don't think rhyming is a bad thing here. It adds pace to the poem - the rhymes tend to speed the parts that link the imagery, the kind of in between bits that are easier to grasp so need to be faster. The first rhyme is a little jarring though. I'm not sure, it might sound better when performed - to kind of set the mood for the piece, makes it kind of lighter than it would be otherwise, but it threw me and took till "images tucked in his shoulderblades" to really catch me again.

If this really is old old old, then critique may be obsolete, but though there were quite a few things I liked about this, I could see it needing a little neatening around the edges.

[Michael Handel]

I rather enjoyed the rhyme...I figure a "performance" piece would generally utilize that? This was really good and I'm glad you prefaced with an explanation as to what this was about. I admit I may be dense but if you hadn't I would have thought it was revolving around homo-erotic allusion and imagery...which for the record wouldn't have diminished its quality and general good-ness : )