Shelter

The day I will fade away,
Please do remember me then.
I ask you to think of
The real good I had.
Not those desperate times
When I deprived you of pride.
The time when I,
Made you f*****g cry.
I knew not my reasons,
Of hiding in your abode.
Was I running away,
From the storm that had come.
The time we did spent,
I ignored your every word.
I let you think of love,
While I was getting away.
Let me confess,
You weren't a mistake.
You were everything,
But not that one thing.
Let me confess,
You were just a means to an end.
I used your shelter,
And burned it then.

Author's Note

After a very long time!

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask, so you have only yourself to blame for this… 🙄

First: Stanzas are to poetry, what paragraphs are to prose. Without them it’s a monolithic block of text, with no change of subject or pauses.

Next, unneeded words detract. How is “made you cry” different from “f*****g made you cry?” In line with that, in the next line, why say, “I knew not my reasons,” instead of “I knew not my f*****g reasons?” Why not drop that word into every line?

Unless the reader sees a difference with and without—unless a given word serves a necessary purpose—it serves only to slow the narrative and blunt impact.

• The day I will fade away,
What necessary purpose does “will” serve? And does “fade away” mean die, leave, or turn transparent? All fit. You know what you intended it to mean, of course, but intent doesn’t make it to the page. So the reader will take the meaning it suggests to THEM based on THEIR background. Because of that, clarity is a must.

• Please do remember me then.
What necessary purpose does “then” serve?

• I ask you to think of The real good I had.
“Had,” not “did?” Since, as a reader, I know nothing about this parson, and what doing “good” means to them, the line lacks context.

• Not those desperate times
Because you break the thought here and begin the next line with an uppercase “Not,” the reader may assume the thought is complete and wonder what desperate times are meant, without realizing that you will continue the thought.

In short, you need to squeeze out the unnecessary words, give the reader greater clarity/context, and always edit from the seat of a reader who knows nothing of your intent, which means they’ll be confused unless you prevent that.

I’d also suggest you think about being less generic. When you say, “From the storm that had come.” What can this mean to the reader? You know the situation of the protagonist but the term “storm” means nothing but bad weather to the reader unless you provide that context.

Sorry my news isn’t better. Still, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[costa siwale]

Wonderfully done, full terse verses leading to a well crafted piece.

[John the Baptist]

Sounds like the unrepentant riposte of a cad, or what used to be called a "rake." What commences as seeming sympathy ends with a sneering rebuke. Sooner or later, this guy will get his.

PS: Did you mean "spend?"

[Haley]

This was powerful. Not to mention heartbreaking. Speaking of which, the pain of breaking somebody else's heart? It hurts in such a raw way that it almost makes getting your own heart broken pale in comparison. I connected with this piece very much. Nicely done.

[Mikku]

It's been a while...
Your pieces are still a stimulant for me.. Makes me self-interrospect...a good read.

[wordman]

you were everything to me,no mistake..guess we can all relate to this

[Elli]

Tough, but there is a lot truth about love in this. Good job Raghib.

[Raghib]

Love is something that can never be defined.

[Coyote Poetry]

Hard, strong and honest emotional ride in the poetry. Thank you Raghib for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Raghib]

Thnk you for the review . Means a lot!!!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Raghib.

[¿]

Really long time!👊
And again a touchy to heart poem....
It feels great when someone actually agrees to his/her faults....reads like the speaking character here hurt someone too bad which is inevitable....Hope tis an imaginary....great thoughts shared again :)

[Raghib]

Hey. Thank you for the review. Long time yeah I know

[¿]

Heartedly welcome! :)