non grata

"i want to be numb "

NO! you are not allowed in my small vicinity .
cant you see what you are doing to me .
every time I try to run away from your farce acts,
you catch me from behind with double grasp .
your murderous hands choke me , suffocating my will,
while your eyes show me all kinds of promising films .
I killed you once ,
how could you be alive again ?
trapping m in this narrow alley ,
you bully me , all happy .
you do what you think to be fit ,
while my soul shrieks in outright fury .
my hand gropes for your face,
pushing it away from my neck .
blood pours out from those punctured spots,
left behind by your deadly fangs .
then there is the weapon forged from my will,
I sway it, marking a scratch on your skin .
look in my eyes ,
a fire burns in it today .
i strike again faster and faster,
until i stand on top of your body slacked .
perspiring from the tiring actions,
i will whisper in your ears, "DAMN YOU EMOTIONS" .

Reviews

[Pragati Chaudhary]

I wanna know you actually feel all this or it's just your imagination.

some dark things going on it seems - eh?

[Najam Us Saher]

I liked the personification of emotions. Keep up the good work.

[JayG]

It seems a great deal of the story here is still in your head. You write TO someone unknown and talk about the results of actions taken for unknown reasons by an unknown person.

Give3n that you have context it makes sense. And the words point to the events in your mind. But given that my mind is empty, what can come to mind when you say, "you catch me from behind with double grasp ." Who am I? Why am I doing this? It matters not at all if you clarify later, because without context that will draw the reader in, emotionally, they won't have REASON to stay till then.

Poetry is pure emotion. But not yours. It's the reader who must be entertained, and that takes content that stirs THEIR emotions, not yours.

Yes, you have the big reveal at the end, but to keep the reader from expecting it you provide misdirection that hasn't the context to do what you hope. And, have you given thought to the fact that "shrieks with fury," and the other points ARE emotion? How can this person react with emotion to the thing that's hated—without—noticing that?

[Raghib]

Thats what the irony i have tried to create . The fury and emotions part . I just wanted to keep this as a suspense as to whom i am talking about . Please keep reviewing . I am trying a lot to work on your suggestions . Any other comments on my usage of words ????

[apennylate]

*Welcome to "Pure Rhymes" Thanks for joining, great to have you...!*

A scratch on the skin... Damn you emotions... A solidly metered skit of poetic apathy... Damn the bullies, both physical and mental...

[Raghib]

thank you for welcoming me . and thank you for the review

[apennylate]

Most welcome, indeed, and it was my pleasure...!

[Raghib]

an exercise in imagery . this poem basically is about a person trying to kill his feelings because of the complexities in life due to it . any critical comments accepted by me .