The Purpose Of A Sacrifice

A story, based on the picture I found. I do not own the picture, just the story. If you created the picture, please tell me and I will credit you.

    Quick steps echoed off of the cold marble, rebounding back and forth, causing such an enormous racket for such a tiny walker.
    The girl walked in an unsteady gait, weaving back and forth, her bare feet slapping the marble hallway as though she had no control over how hard or how fast they fell. Her plain cotten dress swirled around her ankles, whispering against her pale white flesh as she slowly trodded forward.
    The dark sentinal statues of the hall watched her every move, sometimes losing her in the dark gaps between the flickering pools of light cast by the crude torches place hapazardly in brackets on the massive, cold granite columns rising from the stone floor. The open ceiling above showed a bright, glaring full moon, oddly tinged a deep blue-green. The girl stopped every few seconds, staring upward open-mouthed at the forest just visible above the hall, and the deep, stern moon staring back down at her hungrily.
    Suddenly, she came upon the end of the enormous corridor, her feet sinking into the deep brown earth of the forest surrounding her. She stopped for a second, staring at nature's bounty all around her; even during this black night, moon flowers showed their delicate petals, sending an over-powering sent of death into the air. A small rodent scampered up one of the centuries-old oak trees, it's claws scraping at the bark shrilly. Beneath her toes, deep green moss sprang up, its slightly damp but cushion-like texture a welcome break from the hard cold marble floors behind her. A breeze, like the sigh from a dead one's lips, swirled around her and played with her hair slowly, as though contemplating whether or not to tangle it.
    Herself sighing, she slowly walked forward again, craning her neck occasionally to view the wonders the forest was slowly revealing to her: An owl, as white as a ghost, swooping swiftly over the treetops, a mouse in it's clutches; a bobcat, viewed briefly, dipping it's head over a small, silvery stream, and a myriad of other creatures, going about their business during the black equinox night.
    After some time, she came upon a small lake, whose girth didn't even merit it the grace of waves. Tall cattails waved in the dying breeze, nodding their heads sleepily as the night drew on. The moon loomed overhead, nestled in its sea of stars, its bright beams finally reaching the girl as she neared the shore of the lake.
    Slowly, as though the action pained her, she placed one foot in the icy water, shuddering from the cold burn of the brackish pool in front of her. Standing that way for some time, she finally moved forward, bracing herself against the chilly freeze. She continued forward, walking into the shallow but long lake. The dying wind suddenly found its rebirth, and swirled around her, lifting her pale hair around her face. The cattails bent their heads away from her, lured by the softly scented breeze.
    She stood in the center of the lake, the chill water caressing her thighs, the water flowing around and swirling her white dress. She stood still, looking back up at the glowering moon. It glimmered on the surface of the ater, its reflection broken only by the small ripples her slow walk had created. The frigid water continued, in front and behind her, stretching on toward the forest that enclosed it. She turned back once, and could not see the hallway she had come from, the cold marble lost in the dark embrace of the forest.
    Standing still, the water slowly calmed. She wasn't even shivering any more, and no more ripples spread from her pale white legs. The wind whispered around her, uttering secrets in a language she could neither understand nor hear. Her pale hair slowly lifted around her, twitsting and flowing around her body like the dark waters below her. She waited in the cold water, watching the opposite bank.
    The moon slowly climbed higher in the sky, until it was directly above her, shimmering on the surface of the lake like a giant silver coin. The reflection glittered around her; she was standing in the center of the reflection, the blue-white moon stretching to either side of her, and above her, as though she alone were in a world of silvery light. Softly, in the distance, she heard a low howling sound- She wasn't the only creature basking in the silver moonlight. In the distance, a dark shape moved towards her.
    A chill wind, colder and somehow darker than the soft wind that had been playing with her hair, precceeded the shape; it swirled around her, pulling at her wet dress, her pale hair. The shape skated across the surface of the water, first in one direction, then another, zigzagging aacross the shallow water. She waited, for the whole purpose of this trek into the freezing lake, the whole purpose of being left in the marble hall, of being a sacrifice, was to meet this shadow. As the darkness enveloped her, as her mind slowly faded, the moon glittered above, watching the death of the girl in solemn silence.

Author's Note

Please tell me if I made a grammatical error.

Created by Raekiel Strom

Reviews

[TheOriginOfSpecies]

"The girl walked in an unsteady gait"
I don't know if "in" is appropriate here. Maybe "with"?

"The girl walked in an unsteady gait, weaving back and forth, her bare feet slapping the marble hallway as though she had no control over how hard or how fast they fell."
This is a comma splice. after "back and forth" you should put a period and change "slapping" to "slapped against".

"as she slowly trodded forward. "
I'd replace "slowly todded" with "plodded". I just like it better.

"The dark sentinal statues"
Sentinel.

"A small rodent scampered up one of the centuries-old oak trees, it's claws scraping at the bark shrilly. Beneath her toes, deep green moss sprang up, its slightly damp but cushion-like texture a welcome break from the hard cold marble floors behind her."
Two splices in a row. Pick one (or both) and replace the comma in the sentence with a period.

"Herself sighing,"
Cut out "herself"

"wonders the forest was slowly revealing to her: An owl"
Decapitalize "an"?

"The dying wind suddenly found its rebirth"
Do not like.

"The wind whispered around her, uttering secrets in a language she could neither understand nor hear."
I, personally, do not find this nessesary.

"Her pale hair slowly lifted around her, twitsting and flowing around her body like the dark waters below her. "
In the paragraph before this one, you claimed that the waters "slowly calmed".

This story leaves me hanging; how is she sacrificed? I would have liked to know more about what the ritual was and what happened to the girl after she sacrificed herself. It seems to me that there is a lot of build-up to a sort of anti-climax.

You use a lot of description and it really slows the reader down. Some people like that, but I know that I don't really care for it.

If you like description then whatever, but some people are going to feel as though this story is a little too slow.

I would also like to add that the girl in the story seems almost emotionless. She walks through the forest and stands in the middle of the lake to wait to kill herself but not once does she feel any sort of apprehension.

Anyway, overall this isn't bad for internet fiction. Keep writing : )