New House

Are you already
Regretting this move,
Declarations of love?

 
The thread on my glove,
Frazzled brown
Suggests to me
That everything burns out;

My welcome
Into your arms, this home,
Included. Messages

Spelt out in clouds
Make no sense
To my impure mind.

I think we’ll find
They’re not meant for us.

Small cries from distant swings
Urge, “Higher! Higher!”
I remember believing invisible wings
Could beat and send
Flames from complacent fires
Soaring into the sun -

A stellar metaphor for you, my friend,
As my presence makes no difference
To you, my life source,

Except perhaps annoyance
At the denotation
Of futile ambition,

 

And interference
With your independence.

Chains grind to a halt.
Winded, I stare
Through a concrete war zone;
Imagined endings are so unfair,
Pain without anecdote.

I stand up to head home,
Hoping to find you there.

 

Author's Note

Written December 2006.
Any constructive criticism will be appreciated. In particular, does the skewed rhyming at the end work ok or wreck it? Thanks.

Reviews

[Ivy]

"Are you already
Regretting this move,
Declarations of love?"

Wow.
Really, combined with the second stanza, that is an extremely deep introduction into the poem.
The way you write about it, it seems like you've been put through it.
You use such feeling in it, such details that another couldn't possibly know unless they've already been put through it.

Alright, this is just, well, as Roxanne put it, 'fluffy' stuff, but for some odd reason I really love how you used the word "stellar" in this poem. I haven't heard that word in such a long time, it just put a smile on my face for no particular reason.

Then, there is the this near ending stanzas.
"A stellar metaphor for you, my friend,
As my presence makes no difference
To you, my life source,

Except perhaps annoyance
At the denotation
Of futile ambition,
And interference
With your independence.

Chains grind to a halt."
That right there hit me hard. I've felt like that before, not being wanted by the one you want the most. Just, the way you put it, the words you used and how you placed them, hit a lot harder than saying something flat out and simple.
Keep up the awesome work!
Sincerely hoping this is written from another's view point,
-Ivy

[Roxanne]

I'll start with the fluffy and say: Wow I love it!
Now for the meaty stuff. Personally I dont like the broken up lines with the spaces for the stanzas but I can understand why you did that. All of your imagery was amazing, I wouldn't say that I remember all those feelings from moving the first time, but there was a very clear feeling that you captured that I honestly don't think I can simply say in only a few words.
All in all it was a lovely job, thanks for sharing ^-^

[Ebby]

My understanding is not clear enough to leave you a worthy review, I feel.
Perhaps the contemplation of a new love, a new safety which may not now appear so much of a haven. The contrast of the city/urban landscape with the purity of childrens cries, 'highre'-releasing, soaring, is a wonderful image, and one which works well.
Feel free to enlighten me, and thank you for inviting me to read this.
Kind regards. :)