Beyond Control

I glare at each Ikea lorry

that thunders past my

unaccompanied form,

plagued by thoughts of you stepping out…

my incautious deer…

treading the road of stricken creatures;

oblivious to all but your headphones

a split second before.

 

It’s too easy to visualize your body

sandwiched between two rumbling monsters;

monsters created and embraced by

accelerating ignorance; society

dismissive of consequence,

like dog owners unleashing

Pit Bull puppies named ‘Genghis’.

 

The onslaught of traffic

a threat, decisive scalpel,

Siamese twin operation

slicing through my existence.

I refuse to be left with half a heart

…and what use either of my hands,

with no antlers to fondle?

 

I will not have you become

the subject of a picturesque tragedy,

smeared across dirty canvas

by the clumsy thumb

of an unfeeling artist;

hungry spectators nudging closer,

only kept from poking, marveling,

by a flapping, flimsy barrier.

 

Yet this is just another

one of those

important things

that are

 

beyond my control.

Author's Note

Let me know what you think of this, and also if the 'deer'/'antler' imagery doesn't work. Thanks.

Reviews

[zig]

magnificent! i almost hate to use the word magnificent, or any other word of praise for this poem... because i know where it comes from. i dont know how many times ive gone thru it, but ive never been able to word it as well as you have in these poems. i thought the "fondling antlers" visual was odd, but i like it, i hope you dont change it... fits perfectly odd, or oddly perfect, your choice. magnificent. i said it again, sorry i dont mean to rub it in. zig

[Wulfstan Crumble]

This piece is simply wonderful. It has many elements and themes to it. For example there is the sense of loss and loneliness, the sense of potential tragedy, a hatred of modern society, of recklessness and of our voyeur culture.

This piece, which i reread (a rare thing) is packed full of wonderful images, specifics which give it a real detail like the Ikea lorries, why ikea? because it symbolises our modern world and existence? Ikea products are a must have in our world now. It is also full of originality.

The most important of all being the siamese twin operation. Here your simpleness and vagueness means that we are left to imagine what you are being seperated from, how and why. I am no good at peering through metaphors.

Lets look at society. Yes everyone is walking around oblivious to the thunderous traffic that chokes our streets, then there are the fearsome dogs which no one really needs to own, there are the people with their ipods and stereos who have no idea whats going on and are zombies waiting to get killed.

For me i saw a poke at modern art too with the roadkill piece... maybe a hint at a recent poem of the day? I dont know. But it is so true of the voyeurism too. Those people who shout at the press who photographed Diana dying would probably have gone for a look had they been near by.

It is possible that i am reading too much into your piece. But, i loved it from start to finish. You are the master of metre and i salute you.

[Gary H]

Brilliant. I can't think of anything else to write. When you care about someone it's so difficult to see them enter into a world of disarray that is beyond your control. Sometimes it has to happen as life goes on etc, sometimes helping them save themselves before being

sandwiched between two rumbling monsters;
monsters created and embraced by
accelerating ignorance, society

is what you really want to do.

Perfect words!

[Bubo]

It�s too easy to visualize your body
sandwiched between two rumbling monsters;
monsters created and embraced by
accelerating ignorance, society
dismissive of consequence,
like dog owners unleashing
Pit Bulls named �Genghis�.

I would swear if I could get away with it...........oh my, this is one of my faves of yours.The imagary screams at you, and you can't help a loved one pictured in this stanza and all the others, taken from you, all those things we can never control.

hungry spectators nudging closer,
only kept from poking, marveling,
by a flapping, flimsy barrier.

This I have witnessed and how well you describe it............I can see it.

smeared across dirty canvas
by the clumsy thumb
of an unfeeling artist;

And this reminds me of a tragic loss of a special woman killed under the wheels of a bus. Yes.....a fave for me, the impact very raw.

[Dave Palmer]

I like the metaphorical references in this piece. I got the picture straight away and it stuck with me throughout the read. Unfortunately, right at the end my grammatically correct little mind got hit by a lorry carrying a load of verb misuse in one little word :) The correction lies in the word "are" used on a singular "one of those important things"... if you hadn't thrown that "one" in there it would be correctly plural (but an awkward read) so I can only suggest a simple fix... replace "are" with "is" and you have yourself a perfect poem! Constructive criticism is always my goal... no ill intent of course! It was a pleasure to read :)

[Maria]

adore the use of the word "lorry"

plagued by thoughts of you stepping out�
my incautious deer�

have such a sneaking suspicion you are referring to a "dear" a woman in truth
incorporating the wild as distraction

May have gleaned or found a clue of this image due to
your unaccompanied form
and this:

treading the road of stricken creatures;
oblivious to all but your headphones
a split second before.

it might be a love or a daughter whose absence so concerns you
beyond your ability to protect

this sentence felt awkward, somehow:
a threat, decisive scalpel,

and this still informs my imagination that it's a "dear" of the human form of whom you speak:

I refuse to be left with half a heart
�and what use either of my hands,
with no antlers to fondle?

antlers=branched horns on the head of an adult (usually male) deer,

usually (yet not always) and the antlers spoke to me of arms
and w/the fondle included i'm less likely to presume it's a daughter.

and this such a loving and caring response to a crime scene:
I will not have you become
the subject of a picturesque tragedy,
smeared across dirty canvas
by the clumsy thumb
of an unfeeling artist;
hungry spectators nudging closer,
only kept from poking, marveling,
by a flapping, flimsy barrier.

squished deer hardly seem the subject of a painters canvas
although the road could be that canvas of which you speak

Have you turned the screw by any chance? If not, this was certainly my experience and i thankyou for it.
forgive absence of caps and suitable punc.

[O!]

I cant say it enough...i just love the way u write......even though...so far....ive had to read ur work twice!! :-P.......

I feel frustrated reading this..........so great job!!!

and

DARN!!

xxx
O! :-)

[Meet Lola, The Better H..]

I love the subject. I always feel like I should be doing something to stop what I cna see comming or whatever but the events are always out of my scope of control. I choose to live y something I read in a book--don't remember which book but oh well-- and it was "Worry about what you can control, the rest will either work itself out or kill you". This ket repeating in my head while reading this peice. It was good, and something I'm sure lots of people can relate to. great job!

[lostintheworld]

I love this!once again taken on a journey from a split second glimpse into your thoughts... sensing the loss. The effect of the poem lingers, much like effect of the "two rumbling monsters; monsters created and embraced by accelerating ignorance, society dismissive of consequence,"beautifully written...

[JP thinks the WC is apt..]

This is a seriously heart-rending piece and your description of both the accident and the ensuing heartache is inventive and affecting. These lines in particular gave me pause for thought:Siamese twin operation slicing through my existence. I refuse to be left with half a heart It's a clever revision of what might have been a hackneyed romantic sentiment IE: 'two hearts make a whole'. I also like how you have woven in some social comments without losing direction - that is artfully done indeed. A very vivid and emotional piece!