Getting Off

 

 

I

 

I am a denotation

of a detonation

button

waiting to implode,

envelope us all in tragedy;

repaying in drama whatever I’m owed.

 

Is he liking this?

 

But of course,

since we all long for purpose.

 

It is only the instability,

the danger to you I encompass,

that causes me distress.

 

II

 

Selfish

in sleep and sex,

we gasp into pillows;

all the people,

all global concerns,

ceasing to exist.

 

We must sicken at how

each moment that allows

us, briefly, to be ourselves,

reveals our own company

undesirable.

 

This must be why

we are daily resigned

to things as hollow

and mundane as wages

grinding away at indulgence,

 

displacing our supposed ‘bliss’.

 

Author's Note

This one has recieved a LOT of criticism on other writing sites. So, please help me:
1) Can you see the connection between the two parts, i.e. different ways to 'get yourself off'?
2) Does it flow ok?
3) Are the rhymey lines annoying?

Any other thoughts on this would be great too. Thanks.

Reviews

[JP thinks the WC is apt..]

I think this is a predicament that gets its teeth into us all, especially the reference to wage-slavery. I think the second act resonates the loudest and the second stanza was particularly thought provoking:

We must sicken at how
each moment that allows
us, briefly, to be ourselves,
reveals our own company
undesirable.

In fact, I feel this very strongly myself - it is the emotional famine after the feast. Great piece.

[holly]

The final lines of Part I

"It is only the instability,

the danger to you I encompass,

that causes me distress."

mesh in intensity and meaning with the opening lines of Part II "Selfish in sleep and sex.....We must sicken at how each moment that allows us, briefly, to be ourselves" - it true of all of us. We can rarely help our selfishness and are consumed by being self-aware. Several stanzas remind my of my old love Rainier Maria Rilke. When I used to read his poetry I wept for the beauty of it. This has much of that flavor. This is wonderful.

[Emily B]

Hey, I wonder how I never got here before. This is awesome. I'm generally accustomed to all the ways your mind can run. But, this, blew me away. Absolutely first rate.

[Miranda]

hollow inside
all that is left of me
expressed in these words
ripped from my
bleeding wrists.
displacing our supposed �bliss�.

thank you for sharing.

[Bubo]

This must be why
we are daily resigned
to things as hollow
and mundane as wages
grinding down indulgence,

displacing our supposed �bliss�.

yes.........alot of days it feels as if life s based around work, paying bills and struggling to live with your own company...........such a good thought provoking read.........life passes by during this time, and we seem to miss so much of what is important.............

Selfish
in sleep and sex,
we gasp into pillows;
all the people,
all global concerns,
ceasing to exist.

Love this...........and so so true...............
you are such a powerful writer ..........

I've read this a good ten times now, and I have to say that I do very much enjoy it. This issue is something I've been turning over in my head for quite a while now. I agree with the person reviewing below me that the second stanza of the second act(?) is the most powerful. I believe that the two acts of this poem could easily stand alone just as well as they stand together.


I only have three concerns, and those are:

1. I don't understand the use of the word "encompass" in the line, "The danger to you I encompass". To "encompass" something, as far as I've learned, is to encircle it or surround it. The only thing I could pull out of looking at it is the use of the word "encompass" as synonymous to "contain". For instance, "The magazine article encompassed all of the newest trends". My interpretation initially was a stretch; that you meant "encompass" as in "surround"; to "surround" or harbor the danger being addressed, but the last line of this stanza, "...that causes me distress" puts a hole in that interpretation. Perhaps "embody" would be a better word choice?

2. The line "all the global�concerns" ��for one reason or another ��interrupts my stream of thought when I'm reading this piece. And I've read it so many times just to make sure it didn't just catch me off guard the first time. It may just be me, but those words together can sling the piece into a political feel, and even more so as it continues to the lines about wages.

3. In the last full stanza, the line "we are daily resigned" is written in passive voice. The only issue there is that the verb "resign" isn't really transitive in that sense. Resignation is a relinquishment of something, right?

Overall, though, I think this piece makes a very good point and that it's a strong critique on human nature, which I very, very much enjoy reading; the human race constantly teeters between fulfilling their instinctual urges and denying/combatting them. Very interesting piece.

[Crazy Cat Man]

WOw man......this is a very powerful piece.....u are definately right here...we can easily be succumbed to our own impulses. My fave line here is

Is she liking this?

But of course,
Since we all long for purpose.

ha ha........good show my man.