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Chasing life;

in your mind,

harmless and natural

as Simba and a butterfly;

to me, devastating

as the rocks that follow the silt

that followed the echo

that buries the children.

I am a trapped child,

choking on dust and pebbles,

while the ability to live

is crushed out of me

beneath your landslide changes.

 

Author's Note

Let me know if the analogy works ok - and anything else you think about it. Thanks.

Reviews

[mick weller]

I'm thinking that you don't need to feel this out of control and smothered... y'know C
people involved in landslides don't usually have a choice... but you do...
but I feel the pressure in this... and I feel your pain
choose to learn - choose to live!
I'm old enough to remember Aberfan and all the kids in that school ...
their time had come - but yours hasn't...
it seems bigger than it is ...

[Emily B]

You've harnessed the power of a natural disaster, contrasted it with the fragility of a butterfly and let us feel your heart.

I'm reading Mick's words and wondering again at his wisdom.

[Gandré]

this is a perfect composition. Darkness never sounded better. Yes, the brevity was the magnet here. great job : ) L Gandr�

[Leah Simone]

Change is a stressful thing - to some it is exciting - a chance to explore the unknown - to others it is to leave what they do know and are not ready to let go of - there is comfort in old ways and things,
familiar places and a sense of tradition. This poem could be taken as a look into one person's struggle or it could be a nation stifled by the change of the world - a world smothered as the universe shifts its weight, etc. I like that it is not so specific it closes the door on interpretation - however I do sense it is most likely a personal expression - based on how you are feeling or were feeling at the time of writing. Others seldom
accept us for who we are and constantly insist we change - morph ourselves into their ideal and that would ultimately kill our own truth and identity.

Regardless of your "meaning" I found this poem to be one that can relate to many situations and be considered timeless as well. You have a great way of speaking - the image of child and being crushed leaves a lasting impression.

[holly]

The analogy is strong and let's us see the dual nature of this relationship, the not-you tumbles into life, breaks apart the things you've built on, you are smothered under the unintentional rubble. Simba and the butterfly lend that understanding that there's no malevolence, just misunderstanding and a lack of space for you. "I'm a trapped child, choking on dust and pepples". Lets us see the slow hopelessness of this relationship, whatever it is - a lover, the church, a soon-to-be-ended friendship or a family member you just can't connect with. If you expand this I've love to see how it goes.

[JR]

Whoa, what a contrast! The natural beauty of life on one hand, the despair of life on the other� I think most readers could identify with this. All of us have felt trapped from time to time, buried by the overwhelming way that time and life charges forward unrestrained. Hell, that's one of the reasons I took up Buddhism� the on-rush of life is so much, especially when you allow yourself to be caught up in the slide, rather than be aware of every breath, every decision.

The speaker implies someone else is the cause of their situation� "beneath your landslide changes." That intrigues me. Is it love? Or perhaps a former love? That's how I'm going to read it� the "other" is unaware of the impact of their sudden changes, the way they float through life, "in your mind, / harmless and natural." You've put this entire poem in a context that I've never looked at it before� Man, it's like a whole new way of thinking. That's why I like reading your stuff, C. Boylan. That's what draws me in.

Your line breaks, awesome, though I would suggest dropping the commas at the end of the lines unless you want an extra long line break (physiological response will put in the pause when the eye resets to the left, dig?). The pace, also, was perfect� you allowed me enough time to digest most of the ideas and images before you went on. Great.

"to me, devastating
as the rocks that follow the silt
that followed the echo
that buries the children."

Ineffable, man. Seriously. What that does to my emotional state, well, there just aren't words for it. None at all.

Because that line is so important (the emotional heart of the poem), I would suggest a line break after it. That's the turn, dig? Where everything changes for the reader, where they're forced to evaluate how they see life, and the things that would affect them in the same manner. Are they the "other," the one who is unaware, the one who experiences life as freedom? Or are they the one buried in the landslide of casual, thoughtless change? I don't know if you have to have it, but� if you're still looking to f**k around with changes in the poem, I would at least take a look at that and decide whether it's an enhancement or a hindrance, you know?

Damn fine little poem. Again, you prove what can be done with few words, what kind of impact those few words can have on the way I interpret life. I'm indebted.

[PianoandPage]

the analogy sort of works.

honestly i could have just taken the last line by itself. the idea of a landslide comprised of her choices that buries you is truly great poetry. the lines ahead of that while not bad really just sort of faded compared to that simply put but powerful last line.