Uncle Bob: something to read in the waiting room...

Death came to call on you
a few months ago.
He stayed for a pint
and a bite of pork pie,
and left feeling cheered
by your generosity.

You knew he'd be back;
probably called him a gobshite
as you waved goodbye,
and I hope he laughed
the way we used to.

Death does his rounds
in a baseball cap now,
he was that taken with you.

Like him, we admire your bravery

through all that was happening;

you taught me

that being a Boylan
means finding the joke
in everything.

 

Author's Note

I ended up not reading this at my uncle's funeral.

Reviews

[W.k.kortas]

If I'm reading this right, your uncle sounds like the type of man who wouldn't want wailing and hand-wringing at his funeral, and if that's truly the case, then I think the tone is spot-on--appreciative and wistful, but not turgid and blubbery. The third stanza had me scratching my head a little, but if the baseball cap is a personal reference, it's fine. To my eyes and ears, this is perfectly appropriate.

[F. Nazarov]

Aw, it made me smile! :D
I figure it's weird what death makes people
realize sometimes,
because I figure death is the most natural/strange
thing on this planet, and although it's viewed as completely
horrible there are things to be gained from it
that we sometimes didn't even relaize we could.
I hope that makes any sense.

[Jessica J]

It is inspiring that you can see your uncle's death in such a positive light. It is so hard to get past the overwhelming feeling of melancholy in poetry about death, but you lightly sprinkled some in, instead of dousing it. Thank you for this. The imagery I got from this was overwhelming, can't wait to read more of what you got!!!

[PianoandPage]

i love how you honor your uncle with this. he was obviously a character and had a contagious personality.

the fact that you write death as being eternally affected by your uncle is touching and humorous. i would love to have such a great poem dedicated to my passing.

thanks for sharing. you are such an amazing writer.

[Zatoichi]

well-written and touching

[zig]

first let me say that i am sorry to hear abut your uncle, from your poem i can tell you had a lot of admiration for him, and i am sorry for your loss.

i cant see anything wrong with this poem, its very personal and yet not so obscure, equally felt as is understood. great poem my friend

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

Personal poems such as this should stay personal critiquing it for prefection would take away form the meaning that the rest of the family that knows your uncle might miss with outsiders input. It's written from the heart it's clear and the emotions flow out of it with the emotions that we come to accept in the passing of time, and death becomes an accepted part of life. Done well.

[Emily Rose]

I'm a pretty harsh critic - really I am, but honestly I can't find anything even remotely wrong with this. The language that you use flows easily and your death metaphor, I must say, is brilliant. The langauge gives it this great air of retrospection - sad because of the passing, but cheered by the fact that the person lived at all. Oh, actually my first statement was a lie, now that I'm reading it for the third time. I'm sure that the phrase "through all that was happening" is intentionally vague, but that line seems to me to be the weakest in the poem. Maybe a little specificity would strengthen it; I'm not really sure.

This is quite well done and I'm sure it's an excellent tribute to your uncle.

[Michael Carr]

agree with kortas. your uncle would be proud of this ode you've given him to honor him in death.
hell, I'm sure my own grandfather is up in heaven, cursing me for my long hair (so he'd figure, it's over an inch) and listening to the beatles. they were damn hippies, he said, all of em.
loved this boylan, humorous and touching.
couldn't find any errors.

[JR]

Ok, dude, I would definitely say to read the bugger. It's a tear jerker, and yet very poignant and powerful. I think it would work like a catharsis at a funeral... read the mother. You gave me the courage to post "Gusty," which is a poem I wrote for a friend because I couldn't go to her funeral...

As for the poem...

I think the intro, the first two stanzas, are perfect in tone and approach. For that matter, I would change the "feel" of the poem one bit. From a technical standpoint, I'd trim off some of the placeholders. You can do it without losing the anecdotal feeling. Check it:

"Death came to call on you ("on you," do you need it?)
a few months ago.
Stayed for a pint
a bite of pork pie,
left feeling cheered
by your generosity."

Basically the same, just trimming off the fat a bit. I don't know about starting that line with "Stayed," but, eh, you're the artist, not me. Work with it. There are a few places you could trim... I've read your works, and I know you'll see the places with a little distance.

I find this stanza troubling:

"Death does his rounds
in a baseball cap now,
he was that taken with you."

Not the emotion, that's perfect... the concept of Death being so taken with someone as to emulate them after taking them away is freaking beautiful. Nope, that's not the problem... it's the flow, the way it reads. I think my problem is with "that" in the last line... it just doesn't catch, for me. The eyes skipped on it, and I was lost until two or three readings later. I would suggest a little bit different breakdown, maybe:

"Death was so taken with you
that he now does his rounds
in a baseball cap."

Something to take the "that" and move it to a more logical placement. Maybe I'm nuts... I don't know if other people had problems with it, or if it was just me.

In response to Hedra Helix, I really liked the "Boylan" section at the end... I don't know if you need to change it. If you do want to, my choice would be to chop off "being":

"a Boylan
finds the joke
in everything."

Good goodbye, man. Very good goodbye. I'll raise a toast of Jameson tonight.

[eli mercuree rue]

i think your family will
sit as you read and when you are finished
will either think
wtf is this girl talking about
and feel guilty
or sit their and laugh to their self as they remember his
old man humor and upbeat attitude

i personally wouldnt read it
'cos i wouldnt want to be vulnerable in front of my family

haha

but you're better than me so do it

[and record it]

the you taught me being a ...

line sticks out like some transition word is missing there
to make it work


anyway i like it
just fix the flow
or don't